Chapter 3 Second Codex

There are more than 20 wild cherry trees lined up on the coast near the seashore, with dark bark and quite magnificent. At the beginning of the new school year, the wild cherry blossoms, together with the young leaves with brown bodies tightly attached, bloom gorgeous flowers against the background of the blue ocean. Finally, in the season of falling petals, a large number of falling petals will scatter to the sea, float on the sea surface, ride the waves, and hit the seashore again. I seldom worked hard to prepare for the exam, but without knowing it, I successfully entered a middle school in the northeast where all the cherry blossoms on the beach were the campus.So on my middle school cap badge and uniform button, there are cherry blossoms blooming on it.

Since there is a distant relative living near this middle school, my father chose this middle school with sea water and cherry blossoms for me.I live here, very close to the school, I only run to the school after hearing the salute bell ringing in the morning, I am quite a lazy middle school student, but even so, by playing tricks and being funny, I get good results day after day The favorite of few people. Although this is the first time I have left my hometown since I was born, I think that a foreign land is a more relaxing place than staying in my hometown.The reason for this may also be explained by the fact that I have gradually perfected my funny skills, and I no longer need to work hard to deceive others as before.

But from another perspective, no matter what kind of genius or Jesus, who is the son of God, the indelible difference in the difficulty of acting in front of parents and outsiders, between hometown and foreign land, never existed. ?For an actor, the most difficult place to perform is the plot of his hometown, and when all the distant relatives and neighbors are sitting together in a room, no matter how famous an actor is, his acting skills will not be able to perform to the fullest! But I've been pretty successful along the way.Even if these old and cunning people leave their hometown, there is not even a one in ten thousand chance of making mistakes.

My fear of people is growing in my heart, but in reality, my acting skills are growing day by day. In the classroom, I always make my classmates laugh from ear to ear. Even the teacher sighed and said that if this class does not have Oba Yozo This character should be in a good class, but his hands are still pursed and smiling.Even the loud instructor, I can easily make him laugh. Haven't I already hidden my true face?Just as he was about to breathe a sigh of relief, he was unexpectedly stabbed in the back. He was just a boy who would pull people's legs behind his back. He was the thinnest boy in the class with a pale face. He was wearing what seemed to be old clothes left by his elder brother. His sleeves were too long like Prince Shotoku's. I can't even keep up with ordinary schoolwork, and I always stand by and watch in military training or gymnastics classes, like an idiot student.Even I carelessly think that there is no need to be wary and vigilant against such students.

One day, during the gymnastics class, this student (I can't remember his surname now, I only remember his name is Zhuyi.) This Zhuyi stood by as usual, and the rest of us were surrounded by the teacher. Ask for horizontal bar exercises.At that time, I put on a serious expression as much as possible, stared at the horizontal bar, jumped up with a loud cry, and then flew forward like a long jump, and fell down on the sand.Exactly, as I calculated.As a result, all the students burst into laughter. When I got up from the ground and wiped off the sand on my pants with a wry smile, Zhuyi came behind me at some point, and murmured in a low voice:

On purpose!on purpose. I was shocked.It's okay for others to see through the intentional failure and fall, but I never thought that Zhu Yi would see through. I seem to feel that the world in front of me is enveloped by hell-like evil flames and burns violently. It takes all my strength to suppress the desire to scream and go crazy. From then on, day after day, I was in anxiety and fear. On the surface, I am still so sad that I am acting funny and making everyone laugh, but in a flash, I will sigh inadvertently, no matter what I do, I will be seen through by Zhu Yi, and he will definitely show it to everyone. Bursts of cold sweat broke out, looking around from time to time with weird eyes like a lunatic.If possible, I really want to stay with Zhuyi all day morning, noon, and night, and monitor him all the time to see if he reveals my secret.When I'm around him, I want to work hard to keep my jokes from being so fake, make him think it's real, and if I get the chance, I want to be a unique friend.It even occurred to me that, if all else fails, all I can do is pray that he dies soon.However, I didn't have the slightest killing intent towards him.

Up to now, although I have thought of being killed by others several times, I have never thought about killing myself.Because for the objects of my fear, I only want to make them happy in my mind. In the beginning, in order to win over the other party, I often put on a hypocritical Christian-like friendly smile on my face, tilted my head slightly to the left at thirty degrees, and gently hugged his narrow shoulders to comfort the cat. With such a delicate voice, I invited him to my house to play, but he always showed blank eyes and remained silent. However, one day after school, it was probably early summer time!Suddenly there was a thunderstorm, and when my classmates were still worrying about how to go home, I was calmly preparing to run away because my house was close. Suddenly, I saw Zhuyi standing alone Clogs in the shade of the shoe cabinet.

let's go!I'll lend you an umbrella when I get home!As I said that, I took Zhuyi, who was shy with one hand, and ran together in the torrential rain. When I got home, I asked my aunt to dry our shirts, and then invited Zhuyi to come to my room on the second floor . This time, I succeeded. In this family there is an aunt in her fifties, and a tall, sick elder sister in her thirties who wears glasses. (The eldest sister was married at first, but later returned to her natal family. I, along with the family, called her eldest sister.) There is another one who has just graduated from high school. Unlike the eldest sister, she is short in stature and has a round face; There are three sisters called Ajie.Although there are some four treasures of the study and retail sports equipment in the store, the main income comes from the rent of the five or six longhouses built by the deceased old master.

Earache.Zhuyi stood up and said. If it rains, your ears will hurt!I took a closer look, and both ears were bleeding pus.Pus kept gushing out of the ear shell. This is terrible. It hurts, right?I showed an exaggerated look of surprise, I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have dragged you into the rain by force. I apologized cordially with female-like vocabulary, then went downstairs to get cotton and alcohol, let Zhuyi lie down on my knee, and carefully cleaned his ears.Zhuyi himself, it seems that he didn't realize my hypocritical plot, you, you will definitely fascinate those girls.He was lying on my lap, ignorantly saying some compliments.

However, it wasn't until later that I realized that this was probably Zhuyi's unconscious and terrifying prophecy of the devil.Be infatuated with, be obsessed with, this kind of words are quite obscene and indecent, there is always a feeling of elation, no matter how serious the occasion is, as long as there is any such words that are beyond words, it feels like looking at the deep noble barrier Since then, it has collapsed, leaving only a feeling of not knowing what is good or bad.However, if one uses literary words such as the uneasiness of being loved instead of using the vulgar words of the pain of being infatuated, the deep and dignified barrier may not be destroyed. This is really a wonderful thing.

Zhuyi asked me to take care of his pus-soothing ears, and he said that you would be a heartthrob and other stupid compliments. At that time, I just blushed and smiled, and couldn't answer anything, but In fact, a part of my heart agreed with his statement!However, if I write that I also agree with the complacent atmosphere derived from the rough words of those girls who are fascinated by them, this is almost not even the lines of the young husband in stand-up comedy, but expresses I was so stupidly moved, and I was so unscrupulous and triumphant, it was definitely not because some part of me agreed with his statement. For me, women are several times more difficult to understand than men.In my family, there are more women than men, and there are many girls in my relatives, as well as the aforementioned guilty maids, etc. Since I was a child, although I can’t say that I played with girls completely, but in fact Therefore, with the mood of walking on thin ice, I got along with them all the way.Sometimes I can’t figure it out at all, as if I’m trapped in a fog, I accidentally step on the tail of a tiger and get bitten, and this wound is almost whipped by a man, and it hits my heart like internal bleeding with extreme unhappiness, and it’s hard to heal. A woman will ignore you when she walks in front of you, or she will show contempt and cruelty in front of others; but when no one is around, she will hug you tightly again.Also, women will fall into a deep sleep as if they were dead. Do women live for sleep!All these observations of women I have acquired since I was a child.But also as human beings, women and men feel like two completely different creatures, and this incomprehensible, insignificant creature, wonderfully takes care of me.Whether it is the word being infatuated or being liked, it is not suitable for me at all. It is better to say being taken care of, which may be more able to explain the actual situation. Women take more jokes than men.Every time I joke, men don't always laugh their heads off, and with men, I also know that if you are too complacent and show too much, you will fail miserably, so I must pay attention to moderation.But women don't know what moderation is, and they keep asking me to perform a little more, and I cooperate with encore again and again until I'm sweating.In fact, they often laugh.In the end, women enjoy extra pleasure more than men. In this house, my elder sister or younger sister who has been taking care of me since middle school, no matter who they are, will come to my room on the second floor whenever they are free, and I will jump up every time. Then, keep feeling scared. Are you studying? No.I closed the book with a smile. At school today, a geography teacher named Hun Da Shao came.The sentences that came out of the mouth were just casual jokes. Ah Ye, wear these glasses. One night, my younger sister Ah Jie and my elder sister came to my room to play together, and after making me perform a lot of hilarious things, she ended up saying this. Why? Don't worry so much, just wear it!Sister, borrow your glasses.She always spoke in such a fiery command tone.I, a clown, had to put on my glasses obediently.Suddenly, the two burst into laughter. It seems! Like Lloyd. At that time there was a man named Halo.Lloyd (Harold Lloyd, 1893︱1971, a famous American mime comedian) is a foreign comedian who is quite popular in Japan. Guys, I stand up and raise one hand, This time, for all Japanese movie fans and friends I tried to say hello, which made them laugh even more.Afterwards, whenever there was a Lloyd movie in the town movie theater, I would watch it and secretly study his expressions. In addition, one autumn night, when I was lying down and reading a book, my elder sister flew to my room like a bird, and fell down beside my quilt and wept. Ah Ye, help me, you can do it, right?It's better to leave this house together!help me!help me! With excitement in her mouth, she began to cry again.But, as far as I’m concerned, it’s not the first time I’ve noticed this kind of attitude from women, so I’m not surprised by the overly excited words of my elder sister, but rather amazed by the banality of them. Climbed out, peeled off the persimmons on the table, and gave a piece to my elder sister.The elder sister choked on the persimmon and said: Are there any interesting books?Can you lend me? I picked a copy of "I Am a Cat" by Natsume Soseki from the bookshelf and gave it to her. Thank you very much. The eldest sister walked out of the room with a shy smile, but not only the eldest sister, a woman, what kind of mentality is she living with?For me, thinking about it feels more complicated, cumbersome, and nasty than searching through memories of the past.However, when I meet a girl who suddenly hides her face and runs out crying, from my experience since I was a child, I only know to give her some sweet things, and she will naturally feel happy after eating. Also, my younger sister A Jie will bring friends to my room, and I will be fair as usual, making them laugh happily. When my friends go back, A Jie will speak ill of those friends.That person is a bad girl, be careful!She keeps saying that to me.In this way, although it is quieter not to bring people here, thanks to her, almost all the guests who visit my room are girls. However, this is still not the realization of being infatuated in Zhuyi's polite words. In short, I am nothing more than a Lloyd from Tohoku.Zhuyi's ignorant and polite words will become an ominous prophecy, and it will be reversed to present an ominous appearance. This is all a few years later. Zhuyi gave me an important gift. This is a painting of monsters! At some point, when Zhu came to play in my room on the second floor, he took a colored version of the scroll in his hand, showed it to me proudly, and explained it to me. Huh?I thought so.At that moment, my end seemed to be decided, and I only thought about it after the fact. I know.I knew it was just an ordinary Van Gogh self-portrait.When we were teenagers, French so-called Impressionist paintings were very popular in Japan. The first step in the identification of Western paintings is probably from this part, so paintings by Van Gogh, Gauguin, Cézanne, Renoir, etc. are considered to be Middle school students in the countryside can probably recognize them by looking at the pictures.Like myself, I have seen many color versions of Van Gogh's works. The interesting writing and bright colors make me feel full of interest. However, the paintings of monsters are something I have never thought of. So, how about these?Could it be a monster too? I took Amedeo Modigliani out of the bookshelf (Amedeo Modigliani, 1884︱1920, was born in Italy in the Jewish middle class with a high reputation, and later went to France to start his art career, creating works for famous painters, sculptures, etc.) Home. Representative of Paris Cubism School. Depicts the character traits of the characters, most of which are slender necks and haggard faces. "Portrait of Alice", "Bride and Groom", "Lorot with a Necklace" and other works.) album , Let Zhuyi look at a painting of a nude girl with tanned skin. amazing!Zhuyi opened his eyes and sighed. Like hell horses. Is it really a monster? I also want to draw this kind of monster picture. People who are afraid of humans will wish to see terrifying monsters with their own eyes: neurotic, delicate and sensitive people will pray for a force stronger than the storm. ah!These painters, under the threat of harm from monsters called human beings, turned to believe in phantoms. In the daylight of nature, monsters are vivid in the eyes, and they deceive this with teasing gestures, trying to show the appearance in the eyes of others, Just as Takeichi said, he resolutely drew a picture of a monster, which implies his future partner!I almost shed tears of excitement. I want to draw too!I also want to draw pictures of monsters and horses from hell!For some reason, I suppressed my excited voice and said this to Zhuyi. Since elementary school, I have loved drawing and looking at pictures.But the paintings I draw are not as popular as the articles I write.Because I don't believe in people's words and words at all, composition is just a greeting to entertain everyone. From elementary school to middle school, I used it to amuse teachers. But for me, only painting (manga is another matter) can be done in a serious way with a young self-style, instilling painstaking efforts in the performance of the object. The copying models of paintings in school are not only boring, but also the teacher's paintings are clumsy, so I have to try various expression methods indiscriminately. After I entered middle school, I had a full set of oil painting tools, but no matter how much I pursued the impressionist painting style, the paintings I drew were all as flat as paper dolls folded by Chiyo-ki, not decent at all.However, from Zhuichi's words, I found that my psychological preparation for painting has been completely wrong. It is naive and stupid to try to express the things that are considered beautiful as they are intact and beautiful.Celebrities and masters create beautifully inconspicuous little things through subjective consciousness, or encounter disgustingly ugly things, and do not hide their own interests, immersed in the joy of expression, in a word, They will not be swayed by other people's thoughts. I learned this from Zhuyi.Little by little, I began to make self-portraits without telling the girls who usually came to visit. I also paint dark and scary paintings, but this is the true self hidden under the chest. On the surface, I smile vigorously, or make people laugh. In fact, I have such a dark heart, and there is nothing I can do about it. I am so certain in my heart.But I won't let anyone see this painting except Takeichi.I hate it when others see through the darkness behind my funnyness and suddenly become wary of myself. In addition, I am also worried that maybe others don't realize that this is the real me, and laugh out loud thinking it is some new funny content. Everything comes painfully and embarrassingly, so this painting is always quickly put away in the back of the drawer. Also, during art class at school, I also concealed my monster-style techniques, and painted the usual beautiful things with beautiful and mediocre brushstrokes. Not only can I show my fragile nerves indifferently only to Zhuyi, but I can also let Zhuyi see my latest self-portrait with peace of mind. I was greatly praised and continued to draw two or three more The painting of monsters, I got another prophecy from Takeichi again. You, make great paintings. The prophecy of being obsessed and the prophecy of drawing a great work, through the stupid Takeichi-san, these two prophecies were deeply engraved on me, and soon I came to Tokyo. Although I wanted to go to art school, my father intended me to go to high school and eventually become an official.He once said such things to me, and I, who could not give an excuse, could only listen blankly.Let's take the exam in the fourth grade!He told me so, plus I was already tired of the school of Sakura and the Ocean, before I entered the fifth grade, after finishing the fourth grade, I was admitted to a high school in Tokyo, and soon started my live-out life .But because I succumbed to the mess and rudeness there, I seriously asked the doctor to help me write a diagnosis of lung disease, moved out of the dormitory, and moved to my father's other hospital in Sakuragi Town, Ueno. I can't do anything about group life.Moreover, words such as the touch of youth, the pride of young people, etc., will arouse chills in my ears. I have absolutely nothing to do with this kind of college spirit.I even felt that classrooms and dormitories looked like distorted sexual garbage dumps, and my near-perfect funny skills were completely useless there. When my father is not in meetings, he only lives in this house for about one to two weeks a month. Therefore, when my father is away, there are only an old servant couple and me in this rather spacious home.I often ask for leave from school, and I am not in the mood to see places of interest in Tokyo (I seem to have ended my Tokyo life without visiting the Meiji Jingu Shrine, the bronze statue of Masanari Kusu, and the Tomb of the Forty-Seven Soldiers at Sengakuji). You can stay at home all day, sometimes read books, sometimes draw some pictures.If my father came to Tokyo, I would rush to school every morning, but I would go to the painting school of Shintaro Yasuda, a western painter in Sendagi Town, Hongo, and spend three to four hours practicing sketching.Ever since I left the student dormitory in high school, even if I go to school, I always feel like a special auditor, maybe it's my own prejudice!But I became more and more lazy to go to school pretending to know nothing.For me, all the way through elementary school, middle school, and high school, I can't understand what it means to live a student life with honor, and I don't even remember the school song once. Not long after, I learned about tobacco, alcohol, prostitutes, pawnshops, and leftist ideas from a certain student in the painting school.It's a coincidence, but that's how it is. The student was Masao Horiki, born in Shitamachi, Tokyo, six years older than me. I heard that he graduated from a private art school. Since there was no studio at home, he came to the painting school to continue learning Western painting. Can you lend me five yuan? We just met each other face to face, so far we haven't spoken a word.I quickly took out five dollars. Great, let's go have a drink!I invite you!Good luck to you. I couldn't refuse, so he forced me to take him to the Xicha shop in Horaicho near the painting school. This was the beginning of my acquaintance with Horiki. I've seen you before, nah!Your shy smile is just a special expression that a promising artist will have!Let's drink to our acquaintance!That guy Ajuan is a handsome man, right?Don't be fascinated by him, it's all because of that guy, I can only be the second most handsome man unfortunately. Horiki's complexion was dark, and he was well-proportioned. He was rarely seen among painters in a neat suit, with a tie of plain design and color, and his hair was parted in the middle with pomade. In unfamiliar places, I would always fold my hands on my chest in fear for a while, and put them down again for a while, with a shy smile on my face, but after two or three cups of yellow soup, I felt wonderfully liberated easy. I always wanted to go to art school Don't go, it's boring.That kind of place is very boring.Well, school is boring.Our teacher is in nature!Be passionate about nature! However, I don't feel any respect for what he said.The fool must be terrible at drawing, but he might be a good playmate!I thought so.In short, for the first time in my life, I saw real urban waste.Even though they have different bodies from themselves, from the point of view that they are completely out of the world and lose their way, they are really the same kind!He amuses others without realizing it, and is totally unaware of the misery of the joke, which is something alien to my essence. As long as we play together, we can treat each other as friends with wine and meat!I thought so in my heart, despised him, and even felt ashamed to make friends with him!But in the process of walking with him, in the end, he was defeated by him. At the beginning, I felt that this man was a good man, a rare good man. Even I, who was afraid of humans, completely let go of my guard, thinking that it was rare to meet a friend who was familiar with Tokyo.To be honest, if I take the tram alone, I feel terrible; even if I go to the Kabukicho seat, standing at the front entrance with a crimson velvet carpet, and the ladies on both sides of the stairs are greeting me, I feel terrible; walking into the restaurant , I feel that the male waiter standing silently behind me, waiting for the empty plate I finished eating, is terrible; especially when paying the bill, ah!How clumsy my own gestures are!When you have to pay for something, it’s not out of stinginess, but because of too much tension, too much shame, too much anxiety and fear, you feel dizzy, the world is suddenly dark, and you feel almost crazy, let alone haggling , Sometimes I forget to take back the change, and often even forget to take the purchased items.Therefore, I couldn't walk alone on the streets of Tokyo. I had no choice but to stay at home day after day. If you hand over the purse to Horiki and go on a trip together, Horiki will bargain a lot, and he is also a master of fun, and he can make the most of the meager money.In addition, he will stay away from expensive things, use trams, buses, small steamboats, etc., to show the way to reach the destination in the shortest time. On the way home from the brothel early in the morning, he would stop by a certain Japanese restaurant to take a morning bath, eat tofu soup and drink a few cups. It was cheap, but he enjoyed it very much. He taught me through practical exercises.He also told me that although the beef rice and roasted birds at the roadside stalls are cheap, they are nutritious, and he also assured me that the best way to quickly get rid of drunkenness is to hang upside down.In short, he made me feel no anxiety or fear about paying money. What is saved by dealing with Horiki is that Horiki completely ignores the troubles of the listener, keeps pouring out enthusiasm (or it can be said that his enthusiasm is ignoring the position of the other party), and keeps talking about boring things all day long. There has never been a time when two people were tired of walking and had nothing to say, and fell into the fear of silence in embarrassment.When I talk to people, I am always wary of the terrible silence, and I, who is naturally reticent, will be the first to tell jokes desperately, but now this fool Horiki has played the role of the clown unconsciously, and I can't even answer. No, just listen to it with your ears, and answer a few words with a smile once in a while. Alcohol, cigarettes, whores, it's a good way for everyone to hide their horrible humanity, if only for a while.Before long, even I realized something.In order to pursue these methods, I even had the idea that I would lose my entire family. To me, the character of the prostitute, who is neither human nor female, looks like a lunatic, and in her breast, I can fall asleep with complete peace of mind.In fact, there is no desire at all, which is very sad.I don't know if it's because of a similar kind of intimacy, those prostitutes always show a lot of natural affection for me.Love without calculation, love without coercion, love that may be parted, and I have seen the light of the Virgin Mary on some nights, in these stupid and crazy whores Woolen cloth! However, I went to them in order to escape the fear of people and pray for a good night's sleep. While having fun with the same kind of prostitutes, unconsciously, there was always a certain ominous atmosphere around me. There was a completely unexpected appendix, but gradually this appendix surfaced slowly and vividly, and was pointed out by Horiki, a sense of astonishment and disgust welled up in my heart.Outwardly, in vulgar terms, it was through these prostitutes that I conducted my studies of women, and lately I have made a marked effort. I heard that learning to get along with women through prostitutes is the most difficult and the only effective way, but I already have the breath of a female expert, and women will follow the line by instinct.Such an atmosphere of obscenity and infamy came to me in the form of an accompanying appendix, which seemed more noticeable than my good night's sleep. Horiki had also said this kind of thing half-complimentarily, but even I was depressed by it.For example, not only do I remember receiving childish love letters from the girl in the coffee shop; I also remember the twenty-year-old daughter of the neighbor Shogun’s mansion next to my residence in Sakuragicho. Every morning when I was going to school, it was obviously nothing Even if I didn’t say anything when I went to eat beef rice, the waitress there would take special care of me; the cigarette shop I often patronized, the cigarette box that the girl handed me Also, the woman sitting next to me when I went to see a kabuki, when I fell asleep drunk on the train late at night, I suddenly received a love letter from the daughter of a relative in my hometown, and I didn’t know it was when I was not at home. Some girl sent me a custom made doll, but because of my extreme negativity, whoever it was, it just stopped there and didn't go further, but there was an atmosphere that made girls dream about me. In a certain place, this is not bragging about her love history, but a fact that cannot be denied. Being pointed out by someone like Horiki made me feel humiliated and bitter, and even the pleasure of going to a prostitute became dull because of it. Horiki once again out of love for vanity and pursuit of new trends. (I can't think of Horiki's other reasons besides this) One day, he took me to a communist reading club (it seemed to be called RS or something, I can't remember clearly). Secret Research Society. For people like Horiki, the secret gathering of communism is probably just one of the Tokyo guides as usual!I was introduced by a so-called comrade, bought a handbook, and took a lecture note on Marxist economics from an ugly young man sitting in the upper seat. For me, the content is about simple and clear things.Although the content is correct, there should be something more incomprehensible and terrifying in the human heart. It's not enough to say it's lust; it's not enough to say it's vanity; it's not enough to say it's lust.Even I don't know what it is, but the basics of the world are not just economics. I always feel that there is something weird and treacherous, and my heart trembles in that treacherous self. Like water flowing downhill, I am naturally affirmed by the so-called materialism, but I cannot be liberated from the fear of human beings. Whenever I open my eyes and face the fresh green leaves, I still feel a sense of hope joy. However, I have never been absent from R. S (the club name says so, but it may not be necessarily my mistake), comrades look serious and serious, and one plus one equals two is immersed in the research of elementary arithmetic theory. In my eyes, it seemed really ridiculous. I used my usual joking skills to try my best to make the participants feel at ease, which also eased the rigid and restrained atmosphere in many seminars. I even became an indispensable person in the party Man of the hour. These seemingly innocent people may also think that I am very innocent, and even think that I am an optimist and joke-loving comrade!If this is the case, then I have kept those people in the dark from the beginning to the end.I am not their comrade, but I am never absent, and I am here to entertain everyone. because I like it.Because I care about these people.But this is not necessarily the kind of intimacy that comes together based on Marx. Not legal, kind of fun for me.To put it more clearly, it puts me in a good mood. The so-called legality in the world is scary instead (I always feel that there is a deep and unknown powerful force). In this kind of room full of organs, no windows, and icy cold, it makes me feel like sitting on pins and needles, I might as well jump to Out there, even if it's an illegal sea, and you die after a short swim, it seems to me a lot easier. There is a term for a marginal person, which means a miserable loser and a morally corrupt person in the world.But I feel that I am born a marginal person. If I really meet a stranger who is considered a marginal person in the crowd, I will definitely be kind to him.This kind of kindness even made me fascinated. In addition, there is also the term criminal consciousness.In the human world, although I have been suffering from this consciousness all my life, I am a good partner like a wife in a mess, and only the two of us will make lonely jokes together. This is probably already one of my attitudes in life. As the saying goes: I have a wound on my calf, and I have a ghost in my heart, but this wound naturally appeared on one calf when I was a baby. Not only did it not heal with time, but it became deeper and deeper, and the pain penetrated into the bone marrow. It is painful every night It is a metaphor for the ever-changing hell.However (it may be strange to say this) the wound has gradually become more intimate than one's own flesh and blood, and one will feel that the pain of the wound is an expression of the growing emotions of the wound, or even a passionate whisper. For a man like me, the atmosphere of the underground movement was surprisingly reassuring and relaxing.In short, compared to the original purpose of this sports organization, its appearance and atmosphere are more suitable for me! Horiki just mocked me like an idiot and introduced me to the party. He said some kind of Marxist in his mouth. While studying the production side, it is necessary to observe the consumption situation and other clumsy superficial words. It is not close to the party. , but always want to ask me to do consumption observation.So hypothetical, there were actually various Marxists at that time. Like Horiki, who claim to be a Marxist out of vanity chasing fashion; and there are people like me who just join in because of the illicit atmosphere.If these entities are seen through by true believers in Marxism, whether it is Horiki or I, they will be reprimanded immediately and dismissed as despicable traitors! However, I, and even Horiki, have not been expelled, especially since I am more at ease in this illegal world than in the legal world of gentlemen and gentlemen, and can act healthily, as a Promising comrades, I will also be entrusted with all kinds of absurd and uninhibited things semi-secretly. As a matter of fact, I never once refused these tasks and agreed to them all as if nothing had happened. I have never had the experience of being suspected and interrogated by the dog officer (comrades call the police) because of my poor actions.我笑著自娛娛人，正確出色地完成他們口中的危險工作（這些組織運動的夥伴們，像要做一番大事般地緊張，還笨拙地模仿偵探小說，保持高度警戒，拜託我的工作也是無聊到讓人目瞪口呆的地步，儘管如此，他們還是大力地支持著這些活動）。當時，我心想就算成為黨員而被逮捕、終身都要在牢獄中渡過也無所謂。我甚至認為，比起恐懼著人世間的實際生活而每夜在無眠的地獄中呻吟，還不如在鐵牢裡生活比較快樂呢！ 父親在櫻木町的別院來來去去，就算是同住一個屋簷下，也是三、四天才會見上一面。對父親的恐懼與害怕，讓我儘管心裡再怎麼思索著要離開家，搬到外頭住，卻怎麼也說不出口，正當此際，我從別院幫傭的老先生那兒得知父親打算將這棟宅第變賣的消息。 雖說是因父親議員的任期即將屆滿等等理由，父親看來也沒有繼續參選的意願，加上在故鄉已蓋了個隱居之地，似乎對東京沒什麼留戀處，再說，不知道是不是父親覺得，若只是為了高中生的我而徒留宅第與僕役很浪費（我對父親的心思，就像對世上其他人一樣，老覺得摸不透）。 總之，這棟房子不久後就要轉手他人，我則搬到位於本鄉森川町一個名叫仙遊館陳舊宿舍裡的陰暗房間，沒多久便陷入經濟拮据的窘況。 之前，父親每個月都會給我定額的零用錢，就算兩、三天花光了，家中的香菸、酒、奶酪、水果總是不缺，而且書本、文具、還有衣服什麼的，全都可以向附近的店家用所謂賒帳的方式求得，就算請堀木吃蕎麥麵或是炸蝦飯之類，若是到鎮內有父親作後台的店裡，我可以拍拍屁股就走都沒關係。 但是現在一下子搬到外頭一個人住，就算想做些什麼，都變得一定得配合每個月固定寄來的生活費量入為出才行，這讓我慌了手腳。寄來的錢，仍是兩、三天就揮霍殆盡了。我害怕、擔心到幾乎發狂。 父親、大哥、姊姊，我輪流地向他們三人不斷地拍電報請他們寄錢來，並寄上報告近況的書信（信裡所寫的全是虛構的爆笑內容，我當時覺得要拜會他人前得先討對方歡心才是上策），另一方面經由堀木的調教，我開始一個勁地上當鋪，儘管如此，還是覺得手頭緊。 終究，我無法在沒有任何親友幫助下獨自在宿舍過活。當我獨自一人在房裡動也不動時，便有種悚然要被誰所襲擊的感覺。出門上街時，不是幫忙例行的組織活動，就是跑去和堀木一起暢飲廉價酒，我幾乎沒去上學，連學畫這檔事都放棄了。 進入高中後第二年的十一月，我和年歲比我大的有夫之婦一起殉情，這件事使得我的人生從此有了極大轉變。 即使逃課，連書都沒唸，但奇怪的是我對考試作答一事卻頗得要領，因此就算再怎麼荒唐，也都還瞞得住故鄉的雙親。不過，紙終究包不住火，聽說學校秘密地向故鄉的父親報告我曠課日數過多一事，於是大哥代表父親寄給我一份內文嚴厲的長信。然而，比起這一點，最直接讓我感到痛苦的，卻是金錢上的匱乏，以及例行組織運動的工作已變得激烈，忙碌到無法再以半玩票的心情看待。不知算是中央地區還是某某地區，總之，我已成為本鄉、小石川、下谷、神田附近所有學校的馬克思學生行動隊隊長。我聽聞武裝暴動而買了一把小刀（現在想起，那小刀連用來削鉛筆都不行，中看不中用），並把它放進雨衣的口袋裡，四處奔走，進行所謂的聯絡。 我好想喝一杯，讓自己有一夜好眠，但身上沒有半毛錢。而且從Ｐ那裡（我依稀記得是用這個密語當作黨的代稱，但可能有誤也不一定）獲得的工作量逐漸多到連喘口氣的餘裕都沒有。自己孱弱的身子也愈來愈無法勝任了。從一開始，我只是單憑對非法的憧憬而幫忙組織事務，而半開玩笑地成為他們的手下之一，就這樣頓時忙碌了起來，讓我忍不住對那些Ｐ的人隱隱感到厭惡，你們找錯人了吧！怎麼不交給你們自己下手去做呢？因此我逃了出來。 逃出來，但心情卻沒有好轉，反而走上絕路。 當時，有三位女孩對我很有好感。 一位是住在我外宿的仙遊館。這女孩總會在我忙完組織活動，疲憊地回到房間，連飯都沒吃地倒在床上後，拿著信紙和鋼筆到我房門口，說道： 抱歉，我家樓下的弟妹太吵了，害我連在家好好地寫上一封信都不行。 她怎麼樣都有辦法在我的桌上寫上一個小時以上的時間。 我明明可以佯裝什麼都不知地睡著，但那女孩老是一副要我開口的模樣，於是我發揮了以往那種被動奉獻的精神，即使一句話也不想說，還是拖著筋疲力竭的身軀，吁了一聲轉身趴在床上，抽著香菸道： 聽說有男生會把女生寫來的情書拿來燒洗澡水喔！ 唉呀，真討厭，不會是你吧？ 我是用來熱牛奶的。 很光榮嘛，用喝的。 這人怎麼不快點回去啊？信的內容明明都讓人看透了，寫得不過是些芝麻綠豆的小事罷了。 讓我看吧！ 我在完全不想看的心情下還說出這種話。 Oops!No!人家不來了啦！said the girl. 原本值得高興的一件事，頓時變得醜陋丟人而興致全失。 於是此時，我覺得該編派些差事給她。 很抱歉，能不能請你到鐵路旁的藥鋪幫我買點安眠藥呢？我好累，臉又發燙，這樣反而睡不著，真是抱歉，錢的話 沒關係，這點小錢。她高興地出門。 分派事情給她絕不會讓她感到頹喪，女孩子反而會因男人對自己有所請託而感到愉悅，這種事我清楚得很。 還有另外一位，是女子高等師範的文科生，她是我們的同志。為了組織的活動，我和她每天都會見面。每次討論結束後，那女孩總會跟著我，然後擅自買東西送給我。 你把我當親姊姊也好。 我裝模作樣地道：我也打算這樣。我作出略帶哀愁的微笑回答著。 總之，若激怒她可就不好了，非得騙騙她才行，出自於這樣的想法，我漸漸開始迎合這個醜陋又討厭的女人，請她買東西給我讓她露出愉悅的表情（那些東西其實我一點都沒興趣，收到之後都很快地轉送給烤雞串店的老闆），或是說些玩笑話讓她咯咯笑。 某個夏夜，怎麼也擺脫不了她，一心只想把這女人趕快打發走的我，便在街道暗處親吻了她，她如癡如狂興奮不已，叫了部汽車，帶我到一棟像是為秘密活動而租用的大樓事務所裡狹小的房間內，大鬧了一整夜。什麼姊姊嘛，我暗自苦笑。 不論是宿舍的女孩或認真的同志，都變得每天非見面不可，我就像一直以來對待其他女孩子一樣，未曾加以迴避，漸漸地，出於往常一樣不安的心情，讓我拼命地討她們倆歡心，很快地，我倒成了作繭自縛，就像受到金錢羈絆一般。 同一時間，我從銀座某家大咖啡廳的女侍那兒，得到了意想不到的恩惠，雖然只打過一次照面，但拘泥於那股恩惠，我感到一股不知該擔心還是空虛的害怕，讓我全身動彈不得。 當時，我已經敢在沒有堀木的帶領下一個人搭電車，還可以一個人去歌舞妓町，更甚者，我還會穿著碎白道花紋布的和服，裝的一副厚顏無恥的模樣，連大咖啡廳都敢走進去。但在內心深處，我完全沒變。 疑惑、恐懼、煩惱於人類的自信與暴力，只是表面上，我會略帶真誠地與他人打招呼不、不是這樣，我仍屬於那種沒有在失敗搞笑的苦澀笑容陪伴下，無法出聲打招呼的人。 總之，就算是個熱衷忘我的荒亂招呼，我能使出怎麼看都辦得到的伎倆，這是託了四處奔波於組織運動的福吧？加上女人吧？還有酒精呢？但主要卻是託金錢不自由的福才得以修得的。 不論身處何方，反而是大咖啡廳中令人害怕的眾多酒客與女侍，若能混入這種對男孩來說也難得一見的地方，自己這顆不斷被追逐的心就能從此平靜吧！我拿了十塊錢，獨自走進銀座的大咖啡廳裡，笑著對女侍道： 我只有十塊錢，你看著辦吧！ Don't worry.她講話帶個關西口音。 這句話奇妙地讓我震盪不已的心平靜了下來。不，這不是起因於對金錢狀況的不需掛慮，而是因為感覺到自己可以無所牽掛地待在這個人身旁。 我喝了酒。由於對這女人感到安心，反而讓我沒有一絲想要說笑耍寶的念頭，而能毫不隱瞞自己本性中寡言陰霾的一面，沉默地喝著酒。 這些您喜不喜歡？那女人拿了各種菜餚擺在我面前，我搖著頭。 只要酒就好了嗎？那到我家喝吧！ 那是一個秋天的寒夜。 我照著常子的吩咐（我記得當時我是叫她常子，但記憶朦朧，連我也不太清楚。我啊！竟連殉情的對象名字都快忘了。）待在銀座一家壽司攤前，吃著一點也不可口的壽司等著她。（雖然忘了她名字，但當時壽司的難吃，卻不知怎地清清楚楚殘留在腦海中。還有表情如黃頷蛇般，禿著頭的壽司店大叔，他那搖頭晃腦，掩人耳目而看似順手地捏著壽司的模樣，也能如映入眼簾般鮮明地回想起來。多年後的我在電車裡看見眼熟的臉龐，搜尋記憶時，驚覺其竟與當時的大叔有幾分神似，這事竟讓我苦笑再三。 在她的姓名，甚至臉龐都從記憶中褪去的現在，能記得正確無誤可以清楚畫出那位壽司店大叔的長相，我想可能是因當時壽司難吃得讓我感到寒冷與痛苦的關係吧！原本，就算是別人帶我到美味可口的壽司店，我也從未覺得好吃過。壽司大過頭了，難道就不能捏得像大姆指一般大小嗎？我老是這麼想。 ) 她在本所（舊時的東京地名，現為錦系町）的工匠店二樓租屋而住。在那層二樓裡，我絲毫未曾隱藏自己白天陰鬱的心，彷彿像是被強烈的牙疼襲來一般，單手托著腮幫子，啜飲著茶。自己這種模樣，相反地，在那女人身上也感覺得到。這也是個讓我感到渾身縈繞著沁骨寒風，徒留落葉隨風狂舞而全然孤絕獨立的女人。 同榻而眠時，女人雜絮地說道她比我還大上兩歲，故鄉在廣島，結了婚，先生在廣島是個理髮師，去年春天一起私奔到東京，但先生在東京幹不了正經的差事而以詐欺罪被起訴，關進大牢裡，每天她都會送些東西到監獄去，不過明天開始就要撒手不管了。沒來由地，我對那女人的身世毫無興趣，不知是因她講故事的技巧太差，還是搞錯了話題的重點？總之，許多時候，在我耳裡聽來都是馬耳東風。 lonely! 對我來說，比起那女人談論身世的千言萬語，一句低喃肯定就能喚起自身的感同身受。儘管我是這麼期待著，但從這名世間女子的身上，我卻完全聽不到這種話，這讓我感到既奇怪、又不可思議。不過，這人不會從嘴裡說出孤寂兩字，而有種無言的強烈孤寂感，如氣流般流竄在身體外圍，只要一靠近她，自己的身體也會被那股氣流所包圍，與自己原本那帶刺的陰鬱氣流交會融合，如同靜靜地躺在水底石頭下的枯葉一般，我可以從恐懼與不安中脫離出來。 這與想要在那些白癡妓女們懷裡安心沉睡的想法完全不同（第一，這些娼妓都是生氣蓬勃），和欺詐犯的老婆共渡一夜，對我而言，可說是幸福（如此毫不猶豫，確實肯定地使用這種叛經離道的字眼，是我不打算在這份手札裡再度看到的）的解放之夜。 然而，僅只一夜。 早晨睜開雙眼驚醒時，我又變回原本那個輕浮、裝模作樣的丑角了。 膽小鬼，連幸福都怕！ 輕柔如棉也能傷人，被幸福所傷自然不奇怪了。在還沒受傷前，焦慮地想要儘早保持原狀地分開，並散佈著如往常一般自娛娛人的煙霧。 財盡情亦絕這句話啊，它解釋錯了，並不是一沒錢就會被女人拋棄之意。男人只要一沒錢，就會自然而然意氣消沉、一蹶不振，連笑出聲的力氣都沒有，莫名其妙地性格就乖僻了起來！在這個裂痕的影響下，男人就會把女人拋棄，半瘋狂似狠狠地甩掉。若是按照金澤大辭典這麼說，那還真是可憐呢！me!很瞭解這種感受。我還依稀記得曾說過這種蠢話，讓常子笑得花枝亂顫。 久留無用，擔心之餘，我連臉也沒洗便匆匆離去，但當時那句財盡情亦絕的胡言亂語，卻在後來造成了意外的糾葛。 後來，整整一個月，我都沒有再碰到那一夜的恩人了。分別後，隨著日子流逝，喜悅之情轉淡，我反而連受到一些微不足道的恩情都會感到害怕，逕自感受到強烈的束縛，甚至逐漸開始在意起當時讓常子獨自負擔自己上大咖啡廳的費用，果然，常子也和宿舍的女孩、那位女師範生一樣，淨是威脅著我的女孩子，我這麼想著。 雖然遠隔兩地，但對常子源源不絕的恐懼，加上自己老覺得若是再度遇上曾經共渡春宵過的女人，肯定會被突如其來的怒火所包圍，真的碰上倒成了一件麻煩事，因此，逐漸地，我對銀座敬而遠之。 然而，這種怕麻煩的性質，決不是因為自己的狡猾。共渡春宵與清早起床後，這兩者間是不帶一絲瓜葛的，要如同完全忘卻一般，完美地將世界劃分為二地活著，對於這種怪異的現象，女人這種動物，仍然無法完全理解。 十一月末，我與堀木在神田的路邊攤喝著廉價酒，這名損友，從路邊攤出來後，還一直要求再上哪兒再喝第二輪，明明我倆身上都沒錢了，還堅持要喝。此時，我仗著酒意大膽地說： All right!那我帶你去夢之國！那個嚇死人的酒池肉林 咖啡廳嗎？ right! Walk! 兩人上了電車，堀木雀躍地道： 今晚我好興奮，我能親女侍嗎？ 我並不喜歡堀木藉酒裝瘋。堀木自己也知道，因此事先對我做了那樣的提醒。 OK!親一下。我一定要親親坐在我旁邊的女孩。okay? 無所謂啊！ Thank u!我快等不及了！ 在銀座四丁目下車，身無分文地走進那個酒池肉林的大咖啡廳，我把常子當成唯一的靠山，和堀木面對面坐在一間空著的包廂，此時，常子與另一名女侍走過來，那另一名女應侍坐到我身旁，常子則在堀木身旁倏地坐下，這讓我嚇了一跳。常子正在被親吻著。 我一點也不覺得惋惜。我原本就沒什麼佔有慾，就算隱隱覺得有點不捨，我也沒有大膽主張所有權，與人相爭的氣力。後來，我甚至還會默默地坐視自己的妻子被他人侵犯。 只有與人有所糾紛這一回事，是我完全不想觸碰的。 捲入那股漩渦會很可怕的。常子與我不過是一夜春宵的關係而已。常子，不是我的。可惜，這種驕傲自大的慾念，是我不該擁有的。但我，仍嚇了一大跳。 因為對於眼前承受著堀木猛烈親吻的常子，我有一種不平的感覺。被堀木蹂躪的常子是一定得與我分開不可！況且，我連挽留常子的實際熱情都沒有。well!enough!就這樣結束吧！雖然一瞬間驚於常子的不幸，但我很快地就放棄了，看著堀木與常子的臉，我不懷好意地笑著。 但事態卻意外地朝更糟的情況發展下去。 never mind! 堀木歪著嘴道：難道連我也對這種寒酸的女人沒興趣 堀木閉嘴不語，雙手交疊在胸前、眼睛盯著常子轉而苦笑著。 拿酒來，我沒錢。我小小聲地對常子道。 我想喝個爛醉。若從庸俗的角度看來，常子連得到醉漢親吻的價值都沒有，不過是個難看寒酸的女人罷了。伴隨著錯愕與意外，我竟有種晴天霹靂的感覺。我反常地大口大口灌著酒，喝得爛醉，和常子眼光交會時，交換著悲哀的微笑，無論如何，她都不過是個疲憊而寒酸的女人而已，我這麼想的同時，窮人與窮人之間的親近感這玩意兒（縱然貧富間的不和諧聽來陳腐，但卻是永遠的連續劇戲碼之一，至今我仍這麼認為著），這股親近感湧上胸口，有生以來頭一遭，我覺得常子好令人憐惜，而我也極端地感覺到一直以來的微弱愛戀之情正鼓動著。 我吐了，然後不省人事。 第一次，我喝酒喝得如此失態。 悠悠醒來時，枕頭邊坐著常子。我躺在那位於本所工匠店二樓的房間裡。 財盡情亦絕，你說這句話時我還以為是開玩笑，你是認真的？難怪你都不來找我了。管它什麼複雜的恩斷義絕，我賺錢養你也不行嗎？ no. 然後，她也躺下了，兩人一夜未眠。 她口中首次吐露出死這一字，她說她已經對於身為人類的汲汲營營感到疲累了。而我，一想到自己對於人世間的恐懼、麻煩、金錢、組織運動、女人、學業覺得忍無可忍，再也活不下去，因此我輕鬆地同意了她的提議。 但是當時的我，還無法對死亡的實際感受有所覺悟。內心深處仍潛藏著玩情的心情。 這天早上，兩人在淺草的六區徘徊遊蕩，走進咖啡店裡，喝了杯牛奶。 你付錢吧！ 我站起來，從和服袖口裡掏出錢包，打開一看銅錢三枚。比起羞愧，更有一股淒慘的感覺迎面襲來。突然間，浮現在我腦海裡的，是我在仙遊館的房間，那間只剩下制服與坐墊，連個可以拿來當抵押品的東西都沒有的荒涼房間，另外，就是現在身上穿的這套碎白道花紋布和服和斗篷。 這就是我的現實生活，活不下去了，我清楚明白這一點。 我彷徨失措地，她也站起來，瞄了一眼我的錢包。 唉呀，只有這些啊？ 無心的一句話，卻讓我痛得錐心刺骨。 第一次，只聽到心上人的聲音便感到疼痛不已。事情不單單如此。 銅錢三枚，根本連錢都不算。這是我完全不曾體驗過的奇恥大辱，讓我活不下去的屈辱。終究，當時的我仍沒有脫離有錢人家少爺的心態吧！那時，我實際體會到再怎麼樣都得死的決心。 這一夜，我們來到鐮倉海濱。她說腰帶是向店裡的朋友借的，所以將腰帶解下，交疊放在石頭上，而我也脫下斗篷，放在同一處，兩人一同跳進水裡。 她死了，只有我獲救。 我是高中生，加上不知是否因父親的大名多少還有點炒新聞的價值，報紙也當成大事件般地大大炒作了一番。 我在海邊的醫院休養著，故鄉跑來一位親戚，告訴我所有始末。還說到以故鄉的父親大人為首，全家都震驚爆怒不已，可能會從此切斷父子關係云云。 但比起這回事，我卻心繫死去的常子，淨是一個勁地暗自哭泣。真的，截至目前為止的所有人當中，我只喜歡那個寒酸的常子。 宿舍的女孩接連寫了五十首短歌式的長信過來。 好好活著喔！短歌開頭全是這種莫名其妙的字眼，長達五十首。 此外，護士們也會笑瞇瞇地來到我的病房，有的還會緊緊握住我的手後再回去。那間醫院檢查出我的左肺有問題，這對我來說倒是件好事。不久後，我以協助自殺罪遭警方提押，但警方卻把我當成病患，特別讓我在保護室裡靜養。 深夜，保護室隔壁的值班室，值夜班的年長警員偷偷打開中間門扉， Hello! 他對我說道：很冷吧？過來這兒暖暖身子。 我故意無精打采地走向值班室，坐在椅子上偎著火爐。 果然，你還是愛著那個死去的女人吧？ Yes.我以近似消失的細微聲音響應著。 這也是人之常情啊！ 他逐漸大幅行動。 一開始是在哪兒和這女人結識的？ 他像個法官似地，裝模作樣詢問著。他侮蔑我是個孩子，在無聊的秋夜裡，假裝自己是問訊的長官，企圖從我這裡挖出一些帶點情色的追述。 我早就查覺這一點了，盡力地忍住笑意。這種警員的非正式訊問，我知道自己就算拒絕回答也無所謂，然而為了要在這秋夜裡增添興致，我如此表現出對這警員的深信不移，這位就是問口訊的長官，責罰輕重全繫於這位長官的一念之間，我表面上做出一副充滿誠意的樣子，且多多少少滿足他的好奇心進行適度的陳述。 嗯，這樣我大概瞭解了。你若是老實回答，我們會衡量輕重，手下留情的。 多謝，拜託您了。相當精湛的演技。對我來說，這根本算不上什麼。 Its daybreak.我從署長叫了出去。這次是正式的訊問。 推開門，我進入署長的辦公室的同時。 oh!長得挺不錯嘛，這也不是你的錯啦，是你母親不該把你生得這麼俊美。 膚色微黑，感覺上大學畢業沒多久，是個年輕的署長。突然聽到這席話，我覺得自己半邊臉像是長滿了紅痣，醜陋的傷殘一般，有種悲慘的感覺。 這位像是柔道，還是劍道選手的署長，問起訊來其實相當清楚乾脆，與深夜老警員偷偷固執且好色地訊問有著天壤之別。訊問結束，署長寫著要送交檢察廳的公文，一面道： 好好保重身子啊！你是不是咳出血來了？ 早上一陣猛咳，雖然咳的時候有用手帕摀住，但卻在手帕上留下點點紅斑似的血跡。不過，這不是從喉頭咳出來的血跡，而是昨夜我搔弄耳朵下方長出的小腫瘡時所流出的血。但我突然覺得還是不要明說的好。 Yes. 我只是低眉斂目且語帶敬佩地回答。 署長寫完公文說： 會不會被起訴還要看檢察官大人怎麼決定，你今天最好能打電報或掛個電話請你的監護人來一趟橫濱的檢察廳，你應該有吧？什麼監護人或保證人之類的。 有個經常出入父親東京別院的字畫骨董商人名叫涉田，是我們家的同鄉，也是父親底下的奉承者之一，有著胖嘟嘟的五短身材，是個四十歲左右的單身男子，我想到他是我學校的保證人。那男人的表情，特別是那眼神，與比目魚十分神似，父親總是稱他為比目魚，我也跟著這麼叫。 我借來警局的電話簿，尋找著比目魚他家的電話號碼，然後致電過去，請他到橫濱的檢察廳一趟，比目魚變了個人似地語帶傲慢，但他總算還是接受了。 喂，那具電話最好消一下毒，他先前才剛咳過血。 我被帶回保護室後，署長對其他警員大聲叮嚀著，聲音傳進坐在保護室裡的我耳裡。 過了中午，我的雙手被細麻繩縛著，雖然他們允許我可以用斗篷遮著，但是麻繩的另一端卻緊緊地握在一名年輕巡警手裡，我們兩人一起搭電車前往橫濱。 但我卻沒有絲毫不安，那個保護室，還有老警員都讓我覺得懷念。ah!What is wrong with me? 以罪人的身份受縛，反而鬆了一口氣，心情平靜，就算現在提筆寫出對當時的追憶，還是能感受到那股舒坦與愉快。 然而，當時讓人懷念的回憶，卻有個讓人冷汗直流，一生都忘不了的悲慘記錄。 我在檢察廳幽暗的房間裡接受檢察官簡單的訊問。檢察官看起來四十歲左右、穩重（若我稱得上美貌，那肯定也只是邪氣荒淫的美罷了，可是那名檢察官的臉卻讓人想用剛正不阿的美來形容，帶有一股聰黠靜謐的氣質）、為人不會斤斤計較的樣子，讓我完全撤下心防地呆呆招供著，忽然間，一陣猛咳襲來，我從和服袖口掏出手帕，突然，看到上頭的血跡，搞不好這個咳嗽能有什麼幫助也不一定，我心生一記無聊的策略，咳咳地再添兩聲，誇張地空咳著，我用手帕摀著看向檢察官的那一瞬間 is that true?他靜靜地微笑著。 我冷汗涔涔，不，就算現在回想起來仍覺得天旋地轉。這比起中學時代那個傻瓜竹一倏地從背後說我故意，將我一腳踹入地獄的感覺，絕對是有過之而無不及。那次與這次，是我一生中唯一兩次演技大失敗的記錄。我甚至還覺得，比起遭到檢察官沉靜的侮辱，當場判我個十年徒刑還好過一些。 我被暫緩起訴。但我卻一點也不高興，帶著淒慘無比的心情，坐在檢察廳的會客室長椅上等著保證人比目魚。 從背後高掛的窗頭看得到滿天夕陽，海鷗呈女字形排列，在天際翱翔著。