Chapter 4 3. Bereavement

English, Tangerine, Obstacles, Lost Mother The new home is located at No. 125, Songjiang Road, Taipei City. It is a new dormitory built by the provincial government. It is a neat and uniform green duplex wooden house.The house covers an area of ​​100 ping, and the yard is not big, but it is enough to plant some flowers and plants.On the right is the famous general Bai Chongxi, on the left is the former Nanjing Garrison Commander Gong Qiguang, and at the other end of the same building as my house is the then Director of the Information Bureau Zhang Peter. Except for a few rows of dormitories, it is surrounded by rice fields.Looking north, the lush green hills stretch to the southeast corner.The urban area of ​​Taipei is on the river valley plain in the west, about a dozen miles away.

I remember that when my mother saw the new house, she said with emotion: We finally have our own home, and I hope I can die here. Since my mother moved into her new home, her condition has deteriorated sharply. She is lying in bed and can no longer get up. My pseudonym didn't come in handy, I didn't need any paperwork, and I entered the sixth grade of Zhongzheng Elementary School.Since then, the prelude to more than ten years of stability has begun.However, this kind of stability is only the external environment, and it is only the partial stability of the political situation.For me personally and for our family, the real ordeal was just beginning.Destiny is like a rock pressing down on the top, no matter how hard we struggle and struggle, we, the small ones, can never be freed.

In 1951, my father was ordered to organize the Design Committee of the Executive Yuan. Because the government valued it, the Communist Party took advantage of the conflicts in our big family and sent Erniang’s daughters Ning Sheng and Han Sheng to Hong Kong. They asked to come to Taiwan, but they were all severely criticized by my father. reject.In the end, the aunt's daughter, Minsheng, also arrived in Hong Kong and declared that if she could not go to Taiwan, she planned to die there. At this time, Peng Mengji was appointed as the commander-in-chief of the Taiwan Provincial Guard.Knowing that Sister Min has a mission, she came here to discuss with her father, intending to use Sister Min to catch all the spies involved.On the one hand, because of the benevolence of his mother and wife, he urged his father to bring Sister Min to Taiwan.On the other hand, the father also felt sorry for the aunt, so he agreed.

Since Sister Min came, for more than a year, there were often people wearing windbreakers near our house, wandering around the hidden place day and night, rain or shine.There were also many times when I was stopped by strangers to inquire about Sister Min's activities in detail.But no one thought that Sister Min was not a so-called political spy, she was just educated by the Communist Party, and she felt that her father was sorry for their mother and daughter, and she felt aggrieved.She is taking this opportunity to seek justice. Tragedy is often not deliberately arranged by people, it comes silently, and it disappears without a trace.Everyone who has experienced the situation is a victim, and the scary thing is that its hidden parts are closely linked with the selfish desires of human nature.From ancient times to the present, cause and effect follow each other, and they are constantly replayed under the sun, turning the world into a boundless hell.

I was assigned to Class 32 of the High School Attached to Normal University in junior high school, and I sat in the third row.Sitting on the right is Chen Luqing, and on the left is Qi Weiyi.Most of the students in the class are from the mainland, and some of them even have a difficult accent and are often teased by everyone. On the first day of English class, the teacher introduced himself that his name is Huang Peigen, which is the same name as the great philosopher Bacon. He said in the first chapter of the book: Not everyone can learn English. For example, people from Hubei can’t learn it. Are there any people from Hubei in your class?

After hearing this, I was quite unconvinced, because when I lived in Hong Kong, I often went to nearby schools to play.All schools in Hong Kong teach English, so if you listen a lot, you can understand a little bit.Why can't Hubei people learn?I found out afterwards that there were actually five people from Hubei in the same class.Just because I have a stubborn personality, I immediately raised my hand. Are you from Hubei? yes. Teacher Huang then turned around and wrote two English words on the blackboard: LINE and NINE, and then said to me: Read it carefully! I didn't learn pronunciation, of course not.

He said again: I will read it once first, and you will follow along.So he read each word twice, and then asked me to read it. To be honest, it is the responsibility of the teacher to distinguish the tongue and nasal sounds, and he should tell me first.Although I really couldn't tell the difference at the time, it had nothing to do with whether I was from Hubei or not. Teacher Huang listened to me finish reading and said with a smile: I said people from Hubei can’t learn English, right? For a while, the whole class burst into laughter, which made me feel ashamed.Filled with resentment, I gritted my teeth and made an oath that I would not learn English.One can imagine the consequences of using a mantis' arm as a cart. Before you know it, a cloud of dark clouds has gathered in the sky.

At the end of the semester, I failed in English. During the make-up exam, the teacher made an exception and barely passed. At this time, Sister Min had already arrived, and my father hired a distant cousin, Zhu Yingdou, to be the housekeeper.Because he used to be a platoon leader of the gendarmerie, he boasted in front of his father that it was easy to deal with a small bandit spy. Brother Yingdou has a distinctive personality, which is even worse than that of Ah Q in Lu Xun's works.He is upright and loyal, distinguishes right from wrong, has strong self-confidence, and is meticulous in his work.And his prejudice is so deep that he firmly believes that in the whole world, only his father is slightly better than him, and his father's words are the only truth.

He speaks in Huanggang dialect, and his speech is melodious and frustrating.Coupled with that serious attitude, it often makes people laugh.He called his father the fourth master, and often said: Needless to say, the fourth master, in this world, no one else can compare to me! At first we thought he was talking casually, but later we realized that the world he knew was limited to a radius of ten miles from his hometown.Because he went to school (studied in a private school) since he was a child, he is a figure with noble status in the village (that is, his humble words for the world).Too much goodness made his thinking solidified, closed and persistent, and he couldn't put a word in his ears that he didn't want to hear.

He is very much like a mummy stuck in a tunnel of time and space. Through the analysis of this living specimen, we can recognize the pattern of human nature.So I like to use him as the object of observation and analysis since I was a child, and I often gain a lot. Then you are underappreciated!I also often tease him. Everyone in the village calls me a saint, and he is very sure, saying solemnly: Everyone will shed tears when I read the sacrificial text!It seems that other people's bereavement pain is his fault. What's the point of reading sacrificial texts? well!What do you know?His disdainful look really made people feel ashamed, as if he had lived his whole life in vain: the knowledge of sacrificial literature is great, and that is the way of sages.

After he came, he was very dissatisfied with the furnishings of our house.It's not that the furniture is old or missing, but that it's placed in the wrong direction and Feng Shui is not good.For example, the dining table must never be placed in the center of the house, because the top and bottom are orderly.Behind the father's seat, there is a lot of space, and our child's seat is against the wall. This arrangement does not meet the requirements of the job, because it is my job as a servant to add food and serve food.However, there is not enough space behind the lower seat, and it is very inconvenient to squeeze in and out every time. He also said that once entering the living room, there must be some barriers, which is called not revealing wealth.Our living room is not big enough to fit the screen, but he insisted on at least some symbolic items.Even if it is a chair or a potted flower, as long as it can block a little, it will show less.This caused a lot of trouble. My father always felt that walking was in the way, and we often accidentally knocked over this and knocked over that.Only he, in order not to reveal the truth, worked hard to tidy up at any time. Later, he didn't know where to get some seeds, saying that they were eucalyptus, and he crushed the eucalyptus and spread it flat on the top of the cabinet.So, regardless of Lubai or not, he declared that my family was safe every year. His little tricks and some taboos that only he knows often confuse others.If someone unintentionally breaks his law and offends him, he will be blamed for his whole life. One year, on New Year's Day, he took some fruit and spent the whole morning in the living room.In the end, he seemed to have discovered a new world, and excitedly announced to his family that there was no more brilliant designer than him in the world. No one could see anything outstanding in the room, so he asked us to look at the fruit on the desk.Those were three plates, with four big oranges in the middle and melon seeds on both sides.Father shook his head and didn't speak. Others also felt bored and walked away.I'm the only one who still doesn't give up. I must see something. After watching it for a long time, except for the desire to eat the big red orange on the top, I really couldn't understand his humble words.I had to ask him for advice, and of course, I couldn't avoid having to endure his sense of superiority. He said proudly: "Of course you don't understand!"This is the quintessence of the country, only fourth master can see it. Just teach me! This is similar to Zhuge Liang's Eight Arrays.He walked around proudly, talking eloquently: the red and round orange on the top represents the beginning and end of one yuan. Why not eat it as soon as you see it? well!You children have no taste at all!The two plates of melon seeds, on both sides of the oranges, are called Erlong Zhengzhu: the three plates are three yuan and the first: four oranges, which means that the fourth master is famous all over the world: these five things refer to the five sons enrolling in the imperial examination: the six Where are five things?I was also counting, and couldn't help interrupting him at this moment. Are you not picky?Melon seeds, oranges and three plates, isn't that exactly five?What's more, there are seeds in the melon seeds.There are five and sons, and you put the melon seeds in your teeth and nibble, isn't it five sons who are admitted to the imperial examination? We don't talk speculatively, and we don't bother to listen to what he counts as perfect. I observed carefully, the guests at home, no matter the well-educated Confucianism or the dignitaries of the government, none of them can appreciate Brother Yingdou's masterpiece.Fortunately, Yingdou didn't take it seriously, every time he walked into the living room, he would always stop, indulge himself, and count from one to ten.After counting everything perfectly, I walked away complacently. I've been thinking about that big orange, hoping that the dollar will stop there forever.At night, it can satisfy my desire to eat as soon as I see it.Unfortunately, a regular customer came, and while chatting with Yingdou, he acted first.He took the big red orange with one hand, peeled it two times and three times, and ate it up in four mouthfuls. Not only was I anxious and annoyed, but Yingdou's face turned pale with anger, and his two bell-like eyes stared straight at the guest.Apparently that orange was so delicious that the guest ate it full of praise and didn't even look at him.Later, Yingdou brother listed this regular customer as the most unpopular person, whenever this matter was mentioned, he would itch with hatred: What the hell!People are not old!It's really a wall of dung that cannot be crushed! Brother Yingdou's self-confidence is also amazing. Once his father came back from get off work, he said to his father: Fourth Master, the zoo called you, old man. My father was at a loss, and he couldn't figure out that someone from the zoo would call.Everyone was guessing wildly, but they couldn't make any sense. Finally, my father concluded: You must have heard wrong. Yingdou's eyes were red with grievance: Si Ye, I'm not a child, how could I mishear the word zoo? After a while, the phone rang again.Yingdou picked it up, and immediately said triumphantly to his father: Fourth Lord!I heard you right!The zoo is looking for you old man again. My father took the microphone inexplicably and listened for a while, oh oh repeatedly. After his father hung up the phone, Yingdou asked: Fourth master, is the zoo inviting you to give a lecture? Father was so angry: nonsense!It was just now that Member Dong, the political affairs committee member of the Executive Yuan, called! Commissar Dong is a native of Northeast China, he speaks a lot of Beijing movies, and his pronunciation is similar to that of Huanggang Tuqiang Zoo.People from the Northeast entered Jianghan Pass, who told him not to follow the customs when entering the country?How can you blame Yingdou for not being able to tell the difference! Yingdou is a person who absolutely sticks to his principles, but he has many principles, each of which is distinct from each other, independent of each other, and will never compromise.After his mother passed away, in order to relieve his father's grief, Yingdou often encouraged everyone to play hygienic mahjong with his father to relieve their worries. When I was in mainland China, my father was the most opposed to gambling. Everywhere he went, he always banned it.Maybe it's because I'm getting older, and I'm taking things out of the world.It may also be that the troubles in my heart are hard to get rid of, so I often sit down happily. Everyone knew that this was a pastime to accompany the old man, so they deliberately released water.Father won, but he laughed and pushed the cards away, the money was not counted, and everyone was happy. Once, because three were missing and one was missing, Yingdou went into battle and sat on top of his father. In a certain round, Yingdou played a piece of Qitong, and his father wanted to eat it.Yingdou hurriedly said: This one cannot be played.Immediately took back the cards and put them in front of him. Probably my father thought that Yingdou would play sooner or later, so he waited for the seven-barrel draw.But Yingdou just didn't fight, and as a result, others lost that round. Father then asked Yingdou: Don't you have Zhang Qitong?Why not? Yingdou said triumphantly: I know that your old man wants to fight Qitong, how can you fight? Father was furious, left his seat and stopped playing cards.Everyone blamed Yingdou, but he justified: How can this be fought?Once you hit the fourth master, you will be reconciled! The man asked him again: Why do we come to play cards? Spend time with fourth master!Yingdou's mind is obviously quite clear. Then why don't you call fourth master to make him happy? How can this be played?Yingdou has a good reason: as soon as he hits the fourth master, he will make peace! After more than ten years, every time we meet, the first topic is that card, and Yingdou's principle has not changed.No matter what reason or method we used to tell him, satirize him, that the theme at that time should be to make father happy.And he could never understand why the cards that Si Ye would draw as soon as he played could be played. I spent my youth under such a background and the intricate relationship between characters. I don't believe in chance. Every event that people think is accidental has already planted inevitable causes before the event happened. .I happened to grow up in the cracks of this era, and I believe that there must be many people who have experienced similar experiences in the same era.Unfortunately, under the combination of various probabilities, the people, things, time, and space I face happen to be at extremes. During the thousands of years of development in ancient China, all social forms, personalities, and values ​​have not only been solidified, but have become rigid.With the sudden arrival of the 20th century, under the violent impact of Western thoughts, the situation in the mountains and rivers suddenly changed, but it could not shake the subjective consciousness hidden in people's hearts.Only us seedlings, with shallow roots and weak roots, are agitated by huge and irresistible forces.In order to survive and adapt, he gradually grows neither east nor west, both ancient and modern. When Sister Min first came, she got along well with everyone in the family, but her father strictly forbade her to go out in order to prevent her from making trouble.Before long, she couldn't bear it anymore, and she often made a lot of noise.We all still remember the past when she drank mercury red water and pretended to commit suicide in Huanggang, and her father was busy with work, so he asked Brother Yingdou to supervise. As soon as Yingdou arrived, he began to fight with sister Min.First of all, he checked Sister Min's letters, sometimes with hot water, sometimes with steam, the envelopes were opened, but none of them could be restored without any trace.He also bought iodine, which he smeared on the paper of the envelopes, making them so smeared that they were unrecognizable.According to him, this can break the secret. I dare not say anything else, but I can guarantee that if there is a secret in the letter, I guarantee that Sister Min will not be able to recognize it. Sister Min didn't seem to know about it, but there were more and more letters, and Yingdou was always so busy that she couldn't enjoy herself.But after several months, nothing was found.Until there was a quarrel between Sister Min and Yingdou, Sister Min was eloquent, and Yingdou was no match at all.But the two of them talked their own way, and although the volume of their voices became louder and louder, no one took advantage of it. It's okay to deceive children with your method, but it doesn't work here!Yingdou is complacent. ah?Are you Zhuge Liang? Not too much. I heard you had intelligence training, didn't you? Of course, otherwise, why would fourth master ask me to come here? Then you must check the mail? It's a trivial matter, how do you know?Engaging in intelligence is a big science. Am I not a spy?Did you break the secret on the letter? Don't talk nonsense!Where is the secret?If you want it, then you have to! Three letters a day, you have to work on each letter for an hour, enough for you to have fun, right?Sister Min said word by word. nonsense!Where does it take an hour?Three minutes is enough.Yingdou is still full of confidence. So how about I start tomorrow and send ten letters a day?Is it enough? After hearing this, Yingdou was stunned for a while, and the old god said: Whatever you want, what is ten letters?Anyway, no matter how many letters there are, don't even think about me. The hostility between them is getting deeper and deeper. Sister Min scolds people harshly, while Yingdou stands tall like a mountain, with a strong voice.The two often quarreled upside down, and the sound shook far and wide. This mother, who has suffered from me lying on the hospital bed, has to endure their fatigue bombardment day and night.In particular, sister Min's words were stinging, pointing at Sang and scolding Huai, either scolding a bitch, or scolding the little wife.Even I, a child who doesn't know anything about human affairs, can hear some clues, let alone my mother, so the frequency of hemoptysis is becoming more and more frequent. One Sunday, my father went to a meeting, and they resumed their usual yelling. My mother was in so much pain that she told me to get Yingdou, and said to him weakly: "Yingdou, just let her go and stop arguing." Si Niang, Ying Dou said angrily, "It's not that I'm arguing with her, she's really shameless, it's the fourth master who told me to teach her a lesson." Just ignore her, I'm not in good health, I hope the house will be quieter.Mother begged him. Yingdou said: I don't care about her!I will not know her in the same way! As soon as Yingdou went out, sister Min couldn't help teasing him again and again, only to hear him growl again. My mother shed tears and said to me: You go and pull Yingdou away, I really can't stand it. I was also very angry, so I rushed out and said loudly to Yingdou: "Mom is not in good health, please stop arguing!" When Sister Min heard this, she immediately flew into a rage, and her voice shook Kyushu: You little bastard born to a little wife, how dare you take care of me?Honestly, this home is mine.Your mother snatched my father away and caused our family to be separated. I'm here for revenge!Just to piss you off! This passage is so naked, telling the whole truth and truth.I will never forget that moment, I just heard my mother scream, and I ran in to have a look.The bed was covered with drips of blood, and the mother was pale and dying. Sister Min had vented, but also regretted it, crying and apologizing to her mother, and the whole family cried into a ball for a while. After my father came back, no one dared to mention this matter again.The next day, my mother was admitted to the Yangmingshan Pulmonary Nursing Home, and the family became quiet instead. I remember visiting my mother once. Surrounded by mountains, the sanatorium sits on a slope that slides down into a valley.Row upon row of buildings, hidden among dense trees and flowers, the environment is elegant and refined.The mother's ward is facing a tall century-old sweet-scented osmanthus tree in the courtyard, exuding a refreshing fragrance from a distance. Osmanthus fragrans, the golden millet, tremblingly scattered among the dense green leaves.Whenever the breeze blows, a rain of flowers with the fragrance of flowers falls on the hair tips and shoulders, as if after an ethereal shower. I remember that on the south bank of Chongqing, a spirit caller claimed that the mother was an osmanthus tree in the heavenly court of the Queen Mother, who was relegated to the world for some reason.At that time, my mother regarded this incident as a joke, but at this moment, the heavy heart made me stand under the tree, and I couldn't let go of it for a long time.It may be this kind of memory that will never return, which makes me have a special preference for sweet-scented osmanthus, which will never change for life. My mother knew that the cost of the nursing home was astonishingly high, and she clamored to go home when she got better. I remember she said to my father: My illness is impossible to get better. Rather than worrying about my family here, let me spend more time with you. The sooner you die, the less you suffer. Sister Min has also sincerely changed her past. Although it is inevitable to struggle with Ying, she has restrained herself a lot. My mother knew that she was going to die soon, so she followed the doctor's order so as not to infect me with lung disease.Every day when school was over, she asked me to stand at her door, look up and down, and then drive me away.It's not that I don't understand, it's just that I don't want to be reconciled. Why wait until today for the infection?So every time my mother told me to go, I immediately turned my head off and ran away angrily. On New Year's Eve that year, my father specially invited many guests in order to relieve his worries, and the house was very lively. Sister Min led the way and played with seven or eight of us in a room at half past ten.Sister Min lost and started to play tricks, which I unceremoniously exposed.She immediately lost her temper: You play tricks and blame me! Whoever cheats will die first!I retorted. You curse me to death?I am alone, and my mother is not by my side, so you still bully me?The more she cursed, the more angry she was, and she slapped me while crying. This crisp sound shocked the whole family, and my mother called me to scold me first.Then my father rushed over again, took a chicken feather whip, and beat me all over my body without thinking. Could it be my fault?Why is no one asking whether it is true?I was so angry that I ran to the street, curled up, and squatted in the corner, seeing the bright lights in every house, and freezing in self-pity until midnight. Unlucky things came one by one, the school report card came, and I failed in English. My father beat me until my whole body was bruised, and my mother, ignoring my illness, hugged me and wept bitterly, saying, "Son!Do you know why you suffer so much for your mother's life?It's just because your grandfather has no education and no ability to make a living.You haven't studied hard yet, and you are going to give your mother a sigh of relief. How can you be worthy of others?You have to remember, mother will die soon, you can only rely on yourself in the future, if you don't study hard, dad will never like you.However, I do not allow you to cheat or cheat. There are gods three feet above your head. Only when you are a good person will the Bodhisattva bless you. This was my mother’s last words to me. After the Chinese New Year, not long after school started, one afternoon, I was playing on the playground when my uncle came to school in military uniform.As soon as I saw him, I knew immediately that my mother had finally gone. Looking back now, my mother has always been just a shadow lying on the hospital bed, coughing up blood all the year round.She never fondled me, never cared for me, except when I was a child.But when she was alive, I knew that someone would protect me, so I don’t have to worry about anything. If the sky falls, someone will take care of me, and I will have a share of food and clothing. After my mother passed away, not only was there a shadow missing on the hospital bed, but what was missing was a cohesive strength of the family and a center of gravity for balance and harmony.The house was deserted, and my father often locked himself in the room with a serious face.The struggle between Yingdou and sister Min turned into a cold war, and the noisy voice disappeared without a trace. After losing the protection of my mother, I realized that a peaceful life is precious and rare, and it is by no means a matter of course.No one cares about me anymore, laughter and warmth become the footsteps of the valley.At the young age of thirteen, I take care of myself, and my basic necessities are in short supply.The wind was blowing, it was bitingly cold, and the rain was pouring down, and the whole body was drenched.A full meal and a hungry meal have never been heard.Even if one gets sick, it drags on day after day, whether good or bad, until later on, nothing is normal from head to toe.And it dragged on for a long time, and it became a chronic disease, so that I struggled with the disease all my life. No one would have thought of buying me a dress other than the school-mandated uniform, and the old uniform was getting smaller and smaller every day as my body grew older.I thought of a lot of ways, and found that if I cut the trousers a little, it could barely stretch on my legs.But when I arrived at school, the instructor said I was a Taibao.The clothes were torn and I managed to connect them with wire, and every time the maid did the laundry, I cursed.I simply didn't let her wash it, and wore it until every piece of clothing was shiny with oil. When my mother was there, she was sick in bed and couldn't take care of herself. I was lazy and ignorant, and always regarded bathing and brushing my teeth as chores.Now it happens that no one cares about me, and I am happy to go to the bathroom every day without going in, making my body dirty and smelly, and my family is used to it, and they are used to it.Once a stranger came to the house, sniffed around the house, and insisted that the house smelled of dead rats. We searched the house all over, but no one thought it was a live mouse. There is a lot of rain in Taiwan, especially during the typhoon season, and there is not a single day when I have done anything to my body.Because I didn’t have a raincoat or umbrella, and I never dared to ask my father for anything. My father was always waited on and had a car when he came in and out.As soon as I opened my mouth, he decided that I didn't care about it, and either broke it or lost it.Although this is often one of the reasons, when my father finishes his education and is busy with his business, everything is forgotten.This kind of fixed procedure repeats over and over again. Since I can't get it, why should I ask for it? Getting wet in the rain has become a habit, and because of his youth, he actually likes the cold stimulation.Especially during the summer vacation, the weather was hot and stuffy. Whenever it rained heavily, I would sit in the air-raid shelter.There is a protruding gutter on the top. When it rains heavily, the torrent rushes down like a waterfall, and it just hits my head, which makes me feel very happy.After a while, I often feel itchy scalp, and it feels very weird to scratch, as if something is separated.It wasn't until the barber lifted a thin film on my head during the haircut that I realized that it was the dirt accumulated over a long period of time when the dirty water washed down the roof while enjoying it on the air-raid shelter. At that time, I was young and didn't feel anything, but the cause had already been planted. Later, I was plagued by skin diseases and bronchitis all my life, which could not be cured by any medicine.From the age of sixteen, for ten years, I had stubborn ringworm on my neck. Electrotherapy, skin burns, dog skin plasters, and antibiotics were all tried.And because I never brushed my teeth, I often suffered from dental diseases. Later, I had four fillings and four extractions, and my teeth were shaken at a young age. But the worst thing was my stomach, and I would sneak off to school every morning at dawn.Because sister Min would read English aloud before her father got up, and she would always read the same paragraph.But my father didn't understand. As soon as he heard her reading, he scolded me for not being up to date and forced me to read.Why do you have to read English?I hate English, and I don't want to be fake, so I have to sneak out. It doesn’t matter if you don’t eat breakfast. You can bring your own bento for lunch. If you have leftovers from the day before, it’s okay. If you don’t, you have to bring rice.And if I get up late, when I hear my father's cry, I would rather not take it, and leave with my schoolbag on my back.Since I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, I often went to the kitchen as soon as I got home after being hungry for a day, stuffing my fill first whether it was raw or cooked.When it was dinner time, according to my father's rules, I had to eat regularly and quantitatively, and I would be scolded if I ate less, so I was full again. There are many bereaved students in the High School Attached to Normal University. They have no father or mother, but they have a big patriarch, President Jiang, as their backer.I envy them very much. Not only are they free, but they are better than me in everything they eat and wear.Sometimes I really wish that I am also a survivor, and even plan to run away from home and be a beggar willingly. At home, I was just a mouse, not only afraid of my father, but also my sister Min, and even my younger sister.I often remind myself that my mother told me to take care of her.But this is just my wishful thinking.Her father regarded her as his sweetheart. When guests came, she lay in his arms;Although her father seldom buys clothes for her, but from the guest's perspective, her father is a celebrity in front of Chen Cheng. In order to please her father, the guest has to do what he likes first.Therefore, her new clothes and new toys have never been broken. As for me, not many customers even know that I exist. I'm jealous, I'm resentful.When the children played together, there were always quarrels. My sister complained to my father every now and then, but I always ended up getting beaten.In the end I learned to be good and tried to avoid her and everyone.Fortunately, my father was too busy, and our family meeting was only limited to ten minutes for dinner.Having survived the critical moment of fear, I was relieved and immediately fled to my own little world. There are four upper rooms in my family, one for my father, one for sister Min and my younger sister, and two for friends who defected to my father.I have no impression of one, and the other is Cao. We call him Uncle Cao. He is very upright and a standard Taoist.He is also my nemesis, often forcing me to study, and telling my father all my bad deeds. In addition, there are two lower rooms built next to the garage, which are occupied by Yingdou and servants respectively.So I had to sleep in the living room and do my homework at the dinner table.At that time, there were a lot of poker games in the family, and my father went from opposing to watching, and finally became the leading protagonist. When it comes to playing cards, I immediately run away. I have a secret cave, which is an air-raid shelter built outside the garage.It was ordered by the government to build for fear of being bombed by the communist army.Inside the hole was a horizontal cement cylinder, which was so cloudy and damp that no one dared to go in, and it was just for me to take refuge.I know from experience that no one suddenly thinks of me as long as I don't show up. Even so, the chances of me being beaten were high.My father only hit the head, and he used to use his backhand. As soon as he knocked down with four knuckles, a row of hillocks immediately appeared on my head.All middle school students at that time had to shave their heads, and every victory brought me a lot of humiliation at school.In order to cover up, I often put a red scout scarf on my head when I was out of class, and played a game of chasing the red scarf thief. At first, when my classmates watched the protrusions on Zhuo Zhuo Tong Mountain, it really made me very sad.After I gradually got used to it, if there were no new achievements on my head and no attention from everyone, it would make me feel left out.So subconsciously, I always want to find an opportunity to be beaten, and a delicate balance has been created between the comfort of the soul and the torture of the body. There are only three girls in our class, and one is Ma Xiangjun.Ashamed of myself, I never saw her face face to face, but secretly admired her.Only because I caught a glimpse of her casting a look full of sympathy and pity under the scars on her head, that is the maternal sentiment that anyone can understand.In an instant, a warm current floated from the soles of my feet to my cheeks. I blushed and fled to the toilet, letting the tears flow smoothly. At that moment, I suddenly thought of Sister E, this is the first time since I can remember.If she was still alive, what happened to me would not be so unbearable.Of course, these assumptions are completely untenable, but another expectation arises spontaneously.Ma Xiangjun is probably the incarnation of Sister E, at least, in the bottom of my heart, I regard her as my patron saint. Besides English, my homework is not too bad, and I like algebra best.As long as you follow a certain method of reasoning, you can get the correct result.It's just that I was careless and too sure.I can solve any problem, but the answer is often wrong. Every time the teacher shook his head at my test paper, he said: Zhu Bangfu, how do you ask me to score?You are right about the calculation process, and it is often creative.But the answer is ridiculously wrong, why? By the time I know why, the time to learn has passed.In the learning process, first of all, it is to understand, and then to practice repeatedly, so as to turn what you know into an intuitive reaction.It is impossible for the brain center to handle more than two problems at the same time unless it is assisted by intuitive reactions.When the brain is dealing with a problem, the shallow memory area must use some relevant information, and at this time, other problems that were originally temporarily stored are automatically cleared.If we barely remember all kinds of problems, we will be distracted at any time while thinking about the problems, which will cause an extremely heavy load. If the load on the superficial memory nerve is too heavy, it is easy to get tired.When you are tired, your brain function is reduced and you are prone to mistakes.If it is forced to continue working, the physiological instinct will provide a message to prevent the organ from being damaged by excessive fatigue.This kind of information is the so-called pain for people's psychology.People hate pain, so they intuitively reject thinking, and lose interest in the problems they think about. The biggest disadvantage of young people is that they think that knowing is enough, and they don't like to practice repeatedly.Intuitive responses cannot be developed without practice.When it comes to dealing with problems, you either lose sight of the other, or you have no clue and no way to start. Because of the environment and atmosphere at home, I could only hide and hide.The homework in school is very simple, since you know how to do it, why bother to do it?Since I seldom do homework, I lose opportunities to practice and apply what I have learned.If you do not use it frequently, over time, you will gradually forget it, and you will never return to no. In my opinion, the real purpose of education is not just to fill students' minds with dead knowledge.Instead, it provides some necessary tools. After people master the tools, they can flexibly apply them in various situations that occur at any time.Learning knowledge is actually learning to face a new situation.The accumulation of knowledge can strengthen the function of tools and make people more adaptable to various unforeseen situations in the future. The tool is knowing why, not what.Without understanding why, what is rigid, dead knowledge.The mystery of Chinese characters can be seen in the word "knowledge". Knowledge means understanding, and "knowledge" refers to things that are perceived and felt.Knowing what is perceived can be regarded as a result statically, that is what it is. Most people regard what is knowledge, but I think what is just static, dead information.Because all kinds of things are dynamic, people must constantly observe and combine static data if they want to understand.What is understood in this way is why, which can also be said to be the truth of things. The brilliance and greatness of Chinese culture is the result of the tireless pursuit of truth accumulation by many sages.People today mistakenly think that static knowledge itself is the truth, as long as it is put into the mind.Therefore, although knowledge increases with time, space and day, it is far from the truth. I don't remember who taught me a method of checking the answer. When multiplication is applied, the product will have an equal relationship, which can be reduced to single digits.方法是把數字皆視為個位值，凡超過個位值時，則將數字相加，其結果必然有一全等的個位數值。我試了又試，的確完全符合，這件事不禁引發了我的好奇心，為什麼運算數值會與其最終之個位數值有關係呢？ 我開始潛心研究，才知道所謂十進位就是十個數值的延伸。任何一數值在化成個位數以後，只有十種基本值。乘法只是將數值成等差級數倍增，而其基本關係不變。在這種做法下，數字的順位毫無關係，故其精確性並不高，只能供我這種懶人參考。 我想找出比較精確的方法來，比如說，僅憑個位值可以看出是單數或雙數，說不定能根據所有基本值，找出一切數的關係。於是我列了一張大表，由個位數之乘值，一直做到百位數之平方值。當然我找到了一些關係，但都很麻煩，不如重新計算一遍簡單。 此外我發現如果不用十個數，只取九個、八個，也可以進位，只是不如十進位方便。why?想來想去，我的結論是因為我們有十隻手指，習慣了而已。 這種進位的觀念，就是數系，一般人僅把數系當作不同的運算方式。可是對我卻不然，在我找到的數系關係中，每種都有其各自的重複規律。這些規律是不是有其他的意義呢？否則彼此不同的數系，為什麼能共用其中一些較小的數字呢？ 我把這篇不成熟的研究給父親看，滿心希望得到誇贊，但父親只淡淡地說了聲：很好。這已是我從未得到過的贊美了。我志得意滿，又拿到學校，趁著下課時的空檔，戰戰兢兢的請代數老師指導。 老師一看，不耐煩地說：誰叫你做這個的？ 我的一顆心早已跳到了喉頭，再看看他的臉色，一句話也說不出。 我教的是代數，不是小學生的玩意！ 碰了一鼻子灰，我懊惱不已，連帶著對數學也失去了興趣。 這件事一直擱置了四十多年，後來在我研究《易經》時，才發現數系是一種同中有異的分類方式。在數學上用處不大，因為數學在運算時，必須有統一的單位。單位是一種相同的分類限制，同一的單位就意味著相同的性質。 在真實世界裏，是沒有獨立存在的單一性質的。事實上，任何事物都具有各種不同的性質。比如說，蘋果是個完整的個體，適用於任何數系，其性質的介定，可以用個，也可以用堆、塊、片等不同的單位。 不同的單位代表不同的自然性質，個、堆、塊、片等可以介定蘋果的屬性，與數字無關。但是，人所認知的自然界中，有些本身就帶有數值的定義。如一個星期有七天，每一天可分別以星期一到星期日代表之；一年有四季，各以春夏秋冬表示；一年又有十二個月，分別訂為一月到十二月。 數字只是數系中先後序位，在同一數系中，數系即是最大的序位。當序位最大時，就代表進位，即該數系的一次完整循環。十進位的十三，代表一次循環後，另一次開始的第三位。也就是說，循環一次為十，十三等於十進位的一次循環後，再加三。 在十進位數系下，數字十三意味著什麼呢？對蘋果而言，若以個為屬性，則有十三個。以片為屬性是十三片。星期十三呢？由於我們沒有採用七進位，所以需要轉換。十三除以七相當於一個循環後的星期六。同理，季十三為第三年後的春季；月十三為第二年的一月。 這樣轉換太麻煩了，但是我們必須如此，以便清楚地分辨。人們為了解決這類問題，其中一條路是學習很多不同的數系運算，另一條路則是統一採用十進位數系。 我當時只能瞭解到這裏，但是這個問題一直縈繞在心中。直到學《易經》時，我突然大惑得解，原來這就是宇宙的真實結構！（有興趣的讀者，請參閱第四集<金秋>第九章中有關《易經》的說明。） 不妨在此先舉一個例子說明，假定有一數甲，在二進位時代表電性正、負的性質（當然還可以代表其他不同的性質，但為易於瞭解起見，僅介紹一種）。在三進位時代表大、中、小，在四進位時代表春、夏、秋、冬，在五進位為金、木、水、火、土。（請注意，這些進位都應以零為始值。） 再假設我們有一數11，在前面的假設下，此數分別象徵： 二進位除以二，相當於第五循環的負。（正為始，為零。） 三進位除以三，相當於第三循環的中。 四進位除以四，相當於第二循環的秋。 五進位除以五，相當於第二循環的金。 由此可見，此一數字在不同的數系中，有不同的象徵意義。這真是一種奇妙無比的方法，以最簡單的結構來代表最複雜的現象。中國的老祖先居然在五千年前就發現了，這種象徵對追求人世真實的人，意義重大。但對日常生活，卻毫無助益。 學期終了，我知道英文一定不會及格，代數也可能有問題。 How to do it?我想到母親曾經說過，只要我做個好人，不逃學，不作弊，菩薩自然會保佑。早在母親歿後，我就自設了個小小的靈位，每天膜拜。現在我不僅拜母親，還拜觀世音菩薩，燒香外加叩頭，乞求神明保佑。 一個暑假都在提心吊膽中度過，為了怕父親看到學校的成績單，我主動地拿信拿報。早上敏姐一讀英文，我也跟著大聲唸，父親一上班，我們同時丟下書本。 敏姐高明之處在於她不論做什麼，很少會被父親抓到把柄。當映斗及另一位客人搬離我們家後，曹叔叔也不大管她，家裡大權就落到她手中，大大小小完全聽她指揮。於是，父親前腳走，她後腳溜；父親下班回家時，老遠司機就開始按喇叭，通知她趕快回家，並且在父親進門之前拿起書本來。 後來她膽子越來越大，晚上不到八點就要睡覺。父親老拿她作我的榜樣，說她早睡早起，隨時在讀書。實際上她只是把蚊帳放下，床前放雙鞋子。煙幕佈置妥當後，她便越窗而出，往往要到天亮了才回來。 我不願向父親告密，但心有未甘，便常在她晚上進門的入口，佈置了各種障礙。她一進來，不是摔倒便是雜物紛飛。可是，人人都醒了，只有父親安眠如常。 敏姐開始帶些糖果回來給我，吃得口裡甜甜的。為了貪圖下次的小惠，我居然也變成了她的小佣人。幫她掩飾，為她開門，當然再也不捉弄她了。 有次，她道了晚安進房後，父親突然想到一件事，卻叫她不應。 父親叫妹妹去叫，妹妹不肯。父親便親自去敲門，半響無人。待把門打開一看，床前拖鞋平排，蚊帳高掛，被中有物墳起。顯然是敏姐好夢方酣，父親連忙閃身退出，把門一關。 父親羞愧不已，大聲叫著：妳是病了還是死了？為什麼不起來？ 妹妹忍不住說：姐姐出去了。 父親恍然大悟，氣得暴跳如雷，把家裡每個人都痛罵了一番。然後搬了張椅子，放在敏姐門口，就在那裡批閱起公文來。 我連眼也不敢闔，等到父親在椅子上睡熟了，忙溜到馬路上去等敏姐。當然是希望能討個大賞，但主要的還是怕父親怒火高升時，拿我來出氣。 敏姐悠哉遊哉的回來了，我把情形告訴她以後，她卻胸有成竹，說：沒關係，我爬窗子進去就是，保証沒事。 Where's dad?他還睡在椅子上呢？ deserve it!讓他睡到天亮。 我覺得不應該這樣對待父親，建議敏姐到朋友家去住，打個電話回來就是。敏姐理都不理，只催我快蹲下，她便踩著我的背，從窗子爬進屋裡。 見到父親彎著身體，一隻臂膀掛在椅背上的樣子，心中很不是滋味，可是我自顧不暇，又能怎樣？ 一夜我都沒睡好，常爬起來偷看，最後父親竟然踡縮在地上。好在天氣炎熱，不蓋被也沒關係，相信還不至於生病。 第二天早上，一聽到聲音，我就醒了，這時父親又睡回椅子上了。一直挨到八點，敏姐身著一件薄紗睡衣，一面開門，一面故意對妹妹大聲說：立立，妳也該起來了！ 只見父親霍然躍起，敏姐忙用手遮住身子，驚叫道：爸爸，你在這裡做什麼？ 父親頭腦清醒了些，這才發覺道高一尺，魔高一丈。他鐵青著臉，一句話也沒說，進房去了。 事後，父親買了一把大鎖，向全家宣告：從今以後，誰不想呆在這裡，可以自己走路。如果要出去玩，晚上十點鐘以前回來。十點鐘鎖門，鎖完門，鑰匙交給我，誰也不許開。 這並沒有難到敏姐，因防空洞在牆邊，洞頂是斜的，從外面可以走到頂上。而牆內防空洞的木門，上面有格子，可以當做雲梯，敏姐依舊來去自如。 總算父親認清了一個事實，把敏姐關在家裡不是上策。這時警總已對敏姐做了詳細調查，發覺她並沒有從事任何政治活動，所以同意讓敏姐去讀書。 敏姐當然想上大學，但礙於沒有文憑，只好報考市立台北商職。據悉父親與某方面已有了默契，只要成績不太差，便可以通融過關。 放榜時，父親不放心，叫映斗陪她去看。 一回來，只見姐姐興高采烈的說：我考了備取第六名。映斗也在一旁証明無誤。 父親立刻打電話去問，對方說備取已決定錄取十名，所以絕無問題。 一直到快開學了，學校還沒來通知，父親又去問。對方一查，十名之內並沒有敏姐的名字。父親不相信，追究之下，才發覺原來她是備取第卅一名。 我絕對沒有看錯，是第六名，而且就在頂頭第一行。敏姐指天發誓。 Siye!一定是學校搞錯了，我怎麼會連第六名都看不出來？映斗也振振有詞。 其實看過榜的都知道，榜單的順序是由上而下，由右而左，一般每行有六名。如果是第六名，就應該在最下面。而在頂上的第六行，其實是第卅一名。 最後，當局找了一個冠冕堂皇的理由。因敏姐的國文考得比較好，學校宣布為了發揚中華文化，特在後補名額中，加收一班國文成績最優者。這一來不僅敏姐的學籍解決了，不少名落孫山的學子也沾了光，敏姐大出風頭，當選為班代表。