Chapter 12 Eleven, Sentimental

little sister, movie, strategy, military service During the summer vacation of my junior year, because my younger sister was going to take the university entrance exam, I occasionally went to help her with her homework.At this time, she already has the charm of a girl in bud, and a refreshing fragrance exudes from her body.The feelings in the past and the beautiful woman in front of us, this time it is not just a spiritual bond, but driven by our physiology, we have truly fallen in love. She has a lot of good points, probably based on understanding, and she never picked on my appearance.When the clothes are dirty, she will take the initiative to clean them for me.She also seemed to turn a blind eye to the pimples on my face and the stubborn ringworm on my neck.Her siblings in particular got along so well with me that they almost considered me part of her family.

Our past relationship is like a clear stream lying in the embrace of mountains.Calm and quiet, no waves, no torrents.It was pure and serene, a look or a word could cut through the water waves and cause waves of ripples, intertwined in each other's hearts.For me, even though she is separated by two ends of the world, it seems that there is an invisible and invisible wire that exists everywhere, tying my heart tightly to her. Once that kind of flawless love turns into a need between a man and a woman, it is like dry wood meeting a raging fire, and it can't be cleaned up immediately.She occupies every nerve in me, I think of her in the morning, and I think of her at night.When we met, an impulse forced me to approach her and touch her, wishing there were only the two of us in the world.

But her house is small and there are many children, our actions cannot hide from other people's eyes and ears.Aunt Gong stated again and again that because I did not get into National Taiwan University, she hoped that the relationship between me and my younger sister was just that of brother and sister.We had no choice but to sneak around, as long as we could touch and squeeze each other, we would never miss the opportunity. Gradually I became more courageous, and I began to ask her out. In the pastoral coffee shop next to the new park and on the grass in front of the National Taiwan University Hospital, we liberated each other's restraints and let the fire of youth burn our hungry flesh.

The most valuable thing about her and what I respect the most is that she strictly abides by principles and never allows me to behave excessively.At that time of extreme embarrassment, I also complained to her, thinking that she was very inconsiderate of me.However, seeing the same pain in her deep eyes, and she was also fighting between soul and flesh, I felt the real shudder. Why can't I control myself?Is she stronger than me?Physiology is just an inherent and innate need. If you can't even control your own physiological phenomena, how can you talk about lofty ambitions?Of course, we could be married, but there are various other factors that keep us from getting married.I cannot destroy her innocence, it is a virtue, since I adore and appreciate her, I should respect her.

However, she also disappointed me. I often argue with people. As long as it is a topic of truth, I will never stop until I reach a conclusion.This is my sole purpose, above all else.Unfortunately, no matter where I go or what kind of people I meet, they just repeat other people's opinions, and they don't seem to understand it. I firmly believe that reason itself must have a basic structure, and what we see and know are only the appearance of things.If you don't find the root cause, what you talk about is just a superficial image, and you can't get the real appearance.But limited to my concept at the time was still very vague, I only knew it existed, but I didn't know what it was.So whenever this kind of talk is caused, I will get to the bottom of it, and use the reasons given by the other party to refute and question again and again, and I must figure out a clue.

My younger sister is most against my aggressive attitude, she thinks I am competitive and like to argue.Although I repeatedly explained my beliefs and positions, she not only could not accept it, but even made her disgusted. Once, I remember that it was in the evening, and my fourth child and I were arguing about a truth.We quarreled so that everyone was uneasy, the fourth child refused to accept it, and I refused to give up.The younger sister persuaded me not to talk anymore, I just found a very strong foundation, and it is not so much that I am arguing with the fourth child, it is better to say that I am sorting out my thoughts.In this case, of course no one can stop me.

The younger sister repeatedly persuaded, and I also repeatedly argued.Finally, she got angry and yelled, "Stop arguing, both of you, it's so boring!" boring?This is a big reason.I'm surprised she didn't understand. What's the big deal?It's all nonsense! I seem to be showered with cold water, how could she have such a view?In this way, how can I stay with her forever in this life?I can give up on her, I can sacrifice everything, but in the pursuit of truth, I never want to take half a step back! After careful analysis, I was shocked to discover a fact that I already knew but was unwilling to accept that she was not a traveler on my road.How is a passerby who has no interest in the truth different from an animal?On the road of life, is there only physical survival and living?

Different road non-phase plan!Well, that's all for now.I decided not to talk to her anymore, and I just sat aside sullenly, ready to find a reason to leave.I decided to break up with her, she was not wrong, the fault was that we couldn't get along, but I couldn't leave right away, so as not to embarrass her. Soon she noticed my indifference, and deliberately found some words to tease me, but I was just obedient and dealt with it. She knew that the situation was serious, and regardless of her family's surprise, she sat tightly beside me and asked me softly: Did I hurt your self-esteem?

No, I just stick to my principles. in principle?What is your principle? Pursue the truth of life! What?Her eyes were wide open, with an embarrassment that she wanted to laugh but couldn't: the truth of life? I felt that she could not understand me, or would not understand me.Otherwise, why didn't she know such a simple principle? However, for a while, I really couldn't let go of her, and her smile always lingered in my heart.It's just that in my rational world, her brilliance is dimming day by day. One of my characteristics is that I can completely separate reason from emotion.Maybe psychologists think it's dual personality, but I think it's independent rationality.For ordinary people, rationality is just an attitude and method when doing things and thinking.And when getting along with people, since interpersonal relationships involve emotions, rationality is thrown aside.

I am not the same, regardless of people or things, I must think rationally, discover the truth, and investigate the cause.If I have to deal with it emotionally, I can do whatever I want, but that's only temporary.Because emotions are often like tropical storms, which come and go suddenly, without a certain pattern to follow, and there is no room for choice.Rationality is constant, it is the same today, and it will be the same tomorrow. Regardless of whether personal emotions are good or bad, rational cognition cannot be shaken at all. Most people live without any clear goals other than survival.Without goals, there will be no fundamental conditions for judging the interests of various possible consequences, so you will be at a loss.Although some people have goals, they are not clear enough, which is almost the same as none.Even though some goals are very clear, they are too short-term, and the gap between benefits and harms is not big. Although it is very difficult to determine clearly.

Survival is only the goal of the creator, and all physiological functions are tools used to achieve the continuation of human beings and other species.For hundreds of millions of years, except for human beings, all kinds of creatures have lived silently, without sorrow or trouble, but faithfully implemented according to the original design. Perhaps because of the needs of environmental changes, human beings evolved differently from other creatures, developing an inner psychological feeling that is unique to subjective individuals.Because of being different from others and not reaching consensus, I feel sad and troubled, resulting in uneasiness and pain.At this time, the power of survival drives people to find ways to relieve their pain. The so-called idea is a unique behavior of human beings to build experience and expand cognition by trying, and it can also be said to be a short-term goal.Liberation is a realm, a kind of inner perception world that only the person involved can experience.One's own pain is the psychological condition that the person involved feels and needs to get rid of. Judging from this process, the development of human civilization began purely with perceptual feelings as the starting point.Over time, people have learned to use the characteristics of body organs to communicate with each other's inner feelings, and then have a common cognition.With common cognition and experience gradually accumulating into objective knowledge, individuals can better grasp the survival goals when the environment changes through the verification of knowledge and actual conditions. When human civilization has developed to a certain extent, people will inevitably expect a kind of eternal relief in the process of constant troubles and problem solving.With this long-term goal, human beings realize that blindly avoiding pain and self-anesthesia cannot really solve the problem, but to explore, recognize, and understand the problem. This is the so-called rationality, an eternal truth (at least for a person's lifetime) that is diametrically opposed to emotional instinct but compatible with objective reality, as a standpoint for judgment. Take me and my little sister as an example. I love her, need her, and suffer without her.In order to solve this emotional need, I must cater to her and satisfy her.Let her feel that with me, she is free from her pain, so she must need me and love me. Both needs and love are based on personal feelings of interest, psychologically formed experiential cognition. And whenever I cater to her and accommodate her, I am enduring pain. If it is only short-lived and temporary, of course it is not a big problem.Once the limit of endurance is exceeded, psychological and physical stimulation will cause the consciousness to lose control.As a result, the blood flow accelerated, the muscles tensed, and every move returned to the original animal instinct. My rationality has completely controlled my sensibility, and I know that unless I can make her understand my principles, there will always be disputes and troubles between us, and there will always be a day when the relationship will break down and it will be unbearable to look back. At that time, I was still groping for this so-called principle. Although I had an intuitive feeling, I couldn't explain it in words.Until I have absolute certainty and can completely convince her, we will not have the ideal result.As for the current needs, as long as it does not hinder the pursuit of your own goals, why not indulge your sensibility and enjoy it? So during that period of time, from an emotional standpoint, she was my lover, and we were up and down together.At the same time, in another dimension of rationality, there is a real master who is carefully observing the seven emotions and six desires produced by our two minds and bodies.For her, I can only make various assumptions and confirm my judgment based on the results.But for myself, this is a real laboratory, where I can understand myself 100% from experience.Going one step further, I can also infer others from her reaction and performance. I cannot deny that I have made the most of her affections, and I have proposed marriage to her in the hope of atonement, but it has been rejected.To this day, I still have infinite Qisi, a feeling of nostalgia.In the dream, she was still the same cuteness, the same passion, and mixed with a faint regret.We each have our own lives, and each of us fulfills our respective duties. After developing the habit of completely independent emotion and reason, I can observe the antecedents and consequences of various events very keenly, so as to reorganize the concepts I have formed, so that the ideas are often different. For example, a family is simply an environment in which different individuals live together.If there is only emotional involvement with each other and get along well, of course it will help everyone.But sensibility is self-centered, and among the several selves, there are always conflicts of interests, and only relying on endless self-control to endure each other will always reach the limit. If you regard family life as your goal, you should not use reason, do not pursue right and wrong, but only accommodate each other and treat each other as part of yourself.Forgive the other party in the same way as you forgive yourself, and use the other party's ideas to handle your own affairs.The greater the similarity between each other, the more overlapping experience and the less conflict. Obviously, my purpose is not in the family, unless I find a like-minded object, I am not suitable for marriage.As for my children, they are even more contrary to my goals. They will occupy my time and energy and affect the direction of my efforts. At the beginning of the Creator's design of living things, survival and reproduction are the only goals of living things. With the success of survival, the interaction between ecology occurs.Up to now, the earth has been covered with all kinds of animals, especially human beings, which has almost reached the saturation point.In this case, the wise creator gave people a kind of cognitive awareness, that is, in order to survive, the instinct of breeding must be curbed.If you continue to reproduce blindly, one day it will evolve to the point of cannibalism. This is my rational concept. In today's knowledge-popular society, many people have this understanding.Therefore, the balance between population growth and production growth can be maintained, so survival is easy and society is stable.It's just that this concept is naturally formed under environmental pressure, and there is no theoretical basis yet. Therefore, the meaning of marriage to me is to meet the needs of my life so as to help me achieve my goals, and it is completely out of consideration for me to reproduce.However, there are many ways to solve the needs of life, and marriage is not necessarily necessary, and it is entirely based on the premise of achieving the goal.In China's closed society, this kind of concept is tantamount to a fallacy of treason and injustice.Because Chinese people's knowledge is still limited to survival techniques, and their vision has not reached decades or hundreds of years. This period of the most difficult passion, from the childhood of the childhood sweetheart, to the age of marriage, draws an end here.However, I can't forget it. I just turned the gorgeous clouds into endless thoughts and treasured them in my sensual heart. By the fourth grade, I only had five credits left. Since the two credits of the farm practice had to be taken for one year, I took four credits first, and only one farm practice was reserved for the fourth grade.In order to make some money, I want to find a job that can not only use my time, but also take into account my interests.I wanted to publish a manga publication, and after drawing an episode, my confidence grew day by day.At the same time, I invented a simple method of surfing the Internet by myself, which is far faster and better than the plate-making company, but because I have no capital, I must find someone to cooperate. Someone introduced me to a friend surnamed Chen, who graduated from the Fine Arts Department of Normal University and opened a small advertising agency.After seeing my work, he admired my sketches, but strongly opposed my publication.At that time, there was a famous saying in Taiwan: If you want to ruin someone's fortune, you'd better persuade him to run a magazine.After I explained my situation, he was very sympathetic. Whenever there was extra work, he would give me some background work. It was a boring job. First, the prototype photo was enlarged and drawn on the viewing board according to the grid.It was challenging at first, but once I got the hang of it, I wanted to improve it.The pursuit of efficiency and quality has always been the basic attitude of my work, but Lao Chen's view is not the same. We often argue about this. Once when I drew a movie poster, I felt that the picture was too cluttered and I couldn't see the theme of the expression. He said: You man!Find a theme for everything!Don't forget, this is just a business, I will do what others want me to do, don't come up with ideas! If the effect of our painting is good and the customers are satisfied, wouldn't your business be better? Do you know who this customer is? have no idea.I thought he was going to come up with something big. That's it, how do you know what he likes? Of course I like it. When he brought this photo, he already decided that it was the best, so he just copied it. Not necessarily, maybe he couldn't find a better one. That's just possibility, we can't do things by possibility. There is always a principle for good and bad in the world, right?You are an art student and should understand these principles. I understand that principles are useless?He doesn't understand! Slowly influencing him and educating him, isn't that the responsibility of you art learners? Dude, I think you're a bit out of your mind, number one, it's not our responsibility.Second, my client may only come to me for painting once in a lifetime, how can I influence him? How do you say this is not your responsibility to study art?Society is a whole, and culture is formed under mutual influence, and only in this way can there be progress! Brother, I am not talking about you, you are so naive and cute, culture is formed naturally, whether you can make progress or not depends on the whole society.We study art in order to learn a technique to make a living, but I just happened to choose art, which is no different from your study of farming to make a living.Since the same is to maintain survival, it is good to have money in hand, and the easier it is, the better.If you think like you, you are doomed to suffer and suffer for the rest of your life. It was the first time I understood this concept, and he was right, at least in line with the pattern of most people's existence.What I am talking about is an ideal, only dreamed by a few people.These few people are often victims of the times, and their value is only affirmed after their death.The great artists I know, such as Van Gogh, Gauguin, Cézanne, Monet, etc., and even Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, etc. who were famous in their lifetimes, their original ideas were not accepted by the public at that time. His point of view is completely consistent with the various phenomena I saw in school. Everyone makes a living, and of course making a living is for oneself.From a short-sighted perspective, what kind of people society needs, they will become that kind of people.They are powerless to change the society, and they don't expect to change anything, because they have already become a part of this society, and they are more opposed to anyone's attempt to change. I am willing to sacrifice, not because sacrifice makes me happy, but because my past pains are based on these concepts of society.I empathize with other people when they are forced to take to the altar, because I don't want to feel pain again, so I have to stand up.However, mere opposition will not work, people will get tired, old, and one day they will be knocked down.Only by working hard to find a correct direction that can provide more benefits to the general public can there be hope. I have a taste of art, and it seems that art can only provide a little decoration of life.In this society, even this decoration is a cheap second-rate product.Later, the manga was also abandoned, and there was no money to publish it.The bigger factor is that after the first book was finished, facing the second book, I didn't find a theme to draw.If you can't even find the second book, what's the point of going on one by one? I watched a movie with absolutely no mental preparation.I have forgotten the title of the film, but the strong shocking power of the film has opened up another new world for me. In the past, I only watched movies for appreciation. Whether it was music, literature or art, I only used them as a window through which I could absorb the connotation of human life.But this time, I saw a statement of the ideal.The film describes the angry post-war generation in Britain and their dissatisfaction with the social conditions at that time. Many personal life issues are discussed in the film, but no answers are provided. Isn't this who I am today?Then it is vividly reflected on the screen, real and convincing.Most viewers seem to have experienced it.At the end of the show, I saw a lot of tear stains hidden under my eyelids, just like mine. Books have their strengths, they can describe all the details very delicately, but they are not as powerful as movies.Music and art have their own different categories, but if they are used as a foil for movies, they can play a good role in their value.Since these are all things I love, why don't I work in films? When I thought of this, I immediately became excited, looking for books and information everywhere, and wanted to learn screenwriting and directing.I want to use this comprehensive eighth art to integrate music, art, literature and my own ideas.It can not only entertain people, cultivate their temperament, but also export my ideas. It's a pity that there are not many such books in the market, and the contents of the few books I found are also very shallow, all of which I already know.But I was not discouraged, I thought of Zhuang Ling, he has a lot of experience in photography, maybe he can help me. Zhuang Ling is also a movie fan. We talked and talked, but before we knew the true face of Lushan movies, we decided to make it our career after graduation.No matter what, there must be a beginning, Zhuang Ling reminded me: Do you know how much it costs to make a movie? It’s money again, money is my worst enemy, I ignore it on purpose and say: Let’s shoot for fun first, borrow a camera, just buy a few rolls of negatives. easy to say!Leaving aside whether the camera can be borrowed or not, I usually take pictures, and there are only 24 photos in a roll. It would be good if I can shoot two rolls with my monthly pocket money.The movie is 24 frames per second, how many frames do you think we can shoot? I didn't expect this, but I was on fire and couldn't hold back.I boldly said: I will figure out how to do this, I just ask if you are interested? Are you interested?You just tell me what can be done, don't make another big turnaround of the people!We are old friends who know each other well. The reason why old friends are called old is that they know each other's details. What can I do?I don't even have enough pocket money!If you ask someone to borrow it, you can't say that the film is sold and then paid back, right?No way, go make money first. I found Lao Chen and told him that I was going to change my career to make movies. He almost smiled: Brother, you want to be Michelangelo.Do you know what kind of people are doing it now? Who cares?I fuck mine. Okay, even if you shoot it, and it's better than Gone with the Wind, who will you sell it to? If the filming is really good, why no one wants it? Why?Let me tell you, making movies is a matter of making big money. The big money I mean is tens of thousands of times bigger than my small business.I serve these gentlemen every day, they spend money faster than I can use paint, and the young ladies who accompany me are all stars so bright that you can blind your eyes.Do you think they are vested interests and will let outsiders in?Especially you, an idealist, if you are allowed to disrupt the situation, what else can they play?You know, these movie theaters are their cash cows, will they buy your film? I can't bear to listen to these principles, I don't bother to do things that are too easy!I just said: I don't sell, I just have fun, right? He laughed enough, looked at me, had to shake his head and said: Do you want to earn some money to play movies?All right!Let me tell you honestly, there are two paths, it's up to you to choose. As soon as I heard that there was hope, I waited blankly for the next article. He lit a cigarette first, and said slowly: The first way is to make a small movie I can do it, no matter how young I am.I hastily interrupted him. He laughed again: "It's not what you think. Small movies refer to movies about goblin fights. You know goblin fights, right?" I nodded embarrassingly, knowing that it was a so-called pornographic film, he was right at all, I really couldn't do it. The second way is to find a movie tycoon and be his godson.If you're lucky, you can still be a son-in-law I knew he was entertaining me, so I hurriedly said: You just tell me, how much does it cost to make a ten-minute short film?How long will it take to pay off if I work for you? Are you really desperate?The last time I asked you to draw a kanban, you refused to die. How long have you been doing it now? Just for fun!It won't be too late to start a new life after I've survived until I'm as well-informed as you are.There was coming and going, and I kept him silent. He thought for a while and said: Well, I know a friend who has a 16cm camera, and I can borrow it for you, which can save a lot of money.As for the negatives, there is a kind of parallel import that costs 10,000 square feet and 1,000 yuan, including all processing, but the dubbing and editing need to be calculated separately. You can draw me a billboard to pay for it. It’s interesting! When I heard this, my heart almost jumped out, and I quickly asked again: How long can I shoot at 10,000 feet? It depends on how you shoot, 16mm, half an hour is always fine. I was so excited, I never thought that it would be solved so easily.But what to shoot?It is not difficult to find actors, and many students are willing to provide free services.I also need a script. I have never read a script, let alone write it? After calming down, I went to the library to borrow a play script, referring to the scenes, dialogues and character descriptions in it.First, I tried to write the first script in my life with the familiar things around me: boys' dormitory.When writing, I simulate the picture on the movie, the transition of the lens, and imagine the process of shooting.In my mind at the time, the so-called script was just a detailed record written on paper before filming. After finishing the script, I asked Zhuang Ling to read it.After all, it was clear to the bystanders, he watched a few episodes, and immediately said: This is like a drama, it's always in the dormitory, how to make a movie? I just remembered that what I was simulating was a drama script.At that time, I fell headfirst because I was a fan of the authorities, and I didn't even think about the difference between drama and film. Half a month of time was wasted, I was very discouraged, so I had to say: Anyway, we are practicing, and it is better to shoot indoors. You got it all wrong, we don't have mercury lamps, we don't have wide-angle lenses.Moreover, the interior space is small and there is a lack of props. How do you ask me to shoot? We are two laymen, each talking in different ways, but he at least has photography experience, we must respect him.Suddenly I came up with an idea, why don't we shoot some school scenery and give it to the school after the filming, such a script can be written in less than two days.He also thought it was the best way, so I went to the discipline office immediately, knowing that I had to get permission from the school first, otherwise there would be problems. As soon as the dean of students heard this, he immediately said happily: "It happens that the school has a budget for audio-visual education, but there are no such talents in the school, and no one knows how to use it. Will you make documentaries?" I quickly said: Of course. How much do you think the budget will be? I thought, for a movie worth 1,000 yuan, if you open it for 1,500 yuan, you can still earn 500 yuan, so I said: 1,500 yuan. Fifteen hundred yuan?The Dean of Students gave a cry and almost jumped up. This is too bad, if I had known it would only cost five hundred yuan.I blushed with embarrassment, so I had to confess: It costs 1,000 yuan to buy the film, but I want to earn 500 yuan. The dean of students laughed, and the laughter made me lean forward and back, which made me feel even more creepy.He said: Don't worry, as long as you can really shoot it with 1,500 yuan, I guarantee that the school will agree.To be honest, someone once came to talk, and they asked for 100,000 yuan before they would shoot. One hundred thousand yuan?Afterwards, everyone said I was stupid, but I was overjoyed.Do what you like, and you can still make money. Where can you find such a cheap thing in the world? It took more than a month, and Zhuang Ling and I walked around the school for the first time with a camera on our backs.And holding the school's official documents, there is no so-called forbidden area, and even the mysterious atmosphere of the girls' dormitory is also captured in the camera. After it was developed, it was carefully edited by myself, and the voice-over was added.Due to Zhuang Ling's extraordinary photography skills (I believe it will be helpful for him to enter Taiwan TV later), as long as the film and the tape can be synchronized during the screening (in fact, it is not easy), it is quite a thing.I thought with all my heart that Chinese movies were about to take off. In the second semester of the fourth grade, I only have the last credit left.The farm practice is a class taught by a good old professor, who just takes the students around to visit, without remembering their names and without taking exams.After I register, it means that I have paid my job.Finally, the four years of college passed like this.Changed from wanting to ride a horse to planting rice, but the rice didn't recognize it at all.For a while it was various activities, for a while it was painting, and finally decided to make a movie.It is conceivable what I have learned in school in the past four years. Military service followed, and I was assigned to the field government affairs class of the Fuxinggang Political Work Cadre School.No one knows what battlefield government is, but it must be relaxing and enjoyable to think that you don't have to fight in the wild.Just as I was about to register, a notice came from the school asking me to register.I'm confused, I've clearly graduated, so why register? Strange people, so strange things often happen, Mo Naihe asked his classmates, no one knew the reason.Because of that credit, no one has been accepted since the establishment of the Agricultural College.However, there will always be someone who doesn't get out, and halfway through the course, the head of my department automatically asks to substitute. When I heard it, bad!It is the so-called gentleman's revenge, three years is not too late.I pretended to have a good understanding with him. If he had been me in the battle of thermal neutrons in the second grade, it would be too cheap to retake it in the third year.Graduation is imminent now, being a guy like me is equivalent to staying in school for a year, this is called ruthless! After all, China has a long and profound culture, and there are too many strategies and strategies left in history, which can be used casually, which is enough to punish people without knowing whether they are alive or alive.It's no wonder that Chinese people have no intention of innovating, and they can't use up all the tricks of copying and imitating their ancestors.The head of our department can indeed be called a master in this way. In the past three years, Qianlong has not been used. Now that a dragon is in the field, another dragon will wag its tail.He insisted on waiting until Kanglong regretted me, my disliked opponent, and then beat me back to my original form (if I become another two times, I will not be able to graduate)! But what about military service?Can I not be a soldier?Can I not register?No matter what, there must be a way out for me.I went to the Military Service Section of Taipei City to inquire, and they said that if you do not report to Fuxinggang, you will be charged with serious crimes of obstructing military service, and you must serve in the army first.I rushed to the school again, but the Academic Affairs Office insisted that I hadn't graduated at all, and if I didn't register for classes, I would be expelled from school, and I would be given four years for nothing! The gentlemen of the training department got along well with me and told me an insider tip.It turned out that in the previous semester, the Office of Academic Affairs and the Office of Discipline had a lot of headaches because of my problem student.The Academic Affairs Office said that I had too little class time and should be expelled. But after checking the records, I have never been absent from class, and all absences are public holidays.The Academic Affairs Office also blamed the Discipline Office for not strictly approving official leave, and the Discipline Office took out the official leave slip and compared it carefully.In the past four years, I have organized more than 100 activities for the school. Each activity is well-founded and fully complies with the school's regulations. Can the Discipline Office not approve it? In fact, I am not the one with the highest public holiday record in the school.There is a female classmate surnamed Ren who is three years older than me. She is a youth representative of the National Salvation Corps and often participates in various domestic and foreign celebrations and activities.Her official leave was one year, and she took more than three years of official leave within four years. After arguing for a long time in the meeting, our department head finally came forward.He said that he already had a good plan, so he might as well leave it to him, and believed that his good plan was this move.Education should be a sacred responsibility. Students make mistakes, and teachers should guide them to make progress.Even if punishment is needed, it should be acted according to the law. How can one use schoolwork as a sharp weapon for revenge because of the power?It's no wonder that the surly spirit in the society is rampant, and everyone repays their grievances endlessly. How can the education sector be careless? Because some people deliberately did not graduate in order to avoid military service.Therefore, the military service law stipulates that any college male must serve in the military after finishing his fourth year of study, regardless of whether he graduates or not.The discipline offices of each school will compile and report in a unified way in the second semester of the four years.This particular situation has never happened since the Agricultural College.The discipline office thought that I should go to the army first, and the school would automatically handle the suspension procedures.But the Academic Affairs Office disagreed and asked me to get a certificate from the military service class. I went back to Taipei again, and the military service department said that no proof could be issued. Serving as a soldier is an obligation of citizens, and the school should know.If the school deliberately makes things difficult for me and prevents me from serving in the military, no matter who it is, it will be charged with obstructing military service and brought to justice. I am patient, the outcome of a war is often decided at the last second.Between the country's laws and the will of the Academic Affairs Office, I'm sure I can win.But I don't want to go to class after completing my military service. Who knows what the head of the department will do next time?So use Sun Tzu's Art of War to win a beautiful battle. I went back to school and said I decided to enroll. Meanwhile, the military service department was investigating who was obstructing the military service law.After hearing this, the Academic Affairs Office realized that the problem was serious, and immediately signed a report to the principal, agreeing that I should serve in the military first.I firmly opposed it. I said that I didn't want to serve in the military and would rather study for one more year, or even a few more years. In the end, the principal summoned me, admitted that the schoolwork was wrong, agreed to my registration, and agreed to my military service at the same time.As for exams and classes, the principal only said, go serve the country, and don't worry about family affairs. Others suffered from military service, but I found it much better than my previous life. Breakfast was steamed buns with soy milk, or porridge and delicious side dishes.For lunch and dinner, there are fish and meat, especially some big fat meat, which is fragrant and delicious. Others frown, but I can grab it with my hands.Eat well, don't have to worry about clothes, don't have to worry about exams, don't have to be afraid of getting sick, it's almost like my ideal paradise.However, there is always a price to pay, that is, actions and thoughts are restricted. The class we took was to learn how to take over the political and economic affairs of various places after the counterattack to the mainland.At that time, it was rumored that a counter-offensive might be possible at any time, so this year we set up a special field government affairs team and expanded the staff.There are five levels in total, with more than 800 students.It's well-intentioned, and it's going to allow us to make up for it in order to take over millions of square kilometers of landmass.It's just that few of us students really take it seriously.I eat and drink a lot every day, and I am glad that I have been assigned a relaxed unit, where I don’t have to go out to exercise, and I am not afraid of the sun and rain. All the students from the previous sessions felt that it was a blessing and an honor to be assigned to the Political Work Cadre School.And only those who join the Kuomintang can have this kind of opportunity, because political workers must serve the party. This kind of concept disgusts the students the most.But when things came to an end, those who were not assigned to the political work cadre school felt jealous and hated instead. Classmates of political cadres often have a sense of superiority. They have many privileges, and sometimes they are more airy than company commanders.Every time the senior students return to school during their military service, those with political badges must show their performance.I often brag that when other students who are platoon leaders are getting dizzy from doing exercises every day, I can still blow on the electric fan, read novels, or read English diligently. 我知道有好幾位同學，都是為了想進政工幹校受訓，才加入國民黨的。想不到這次因為擴大編制，凡是家住台北的，不論是否為黨員，一概納入。 對我而言，不出操唯一的好處是可以大睡其覺。教官對我們非常客氣，稱我們這些預備軍官活老百姓。這可是有典可考的，據說以前曾有位長官，對一位學生預官的表現甚為光火，罵了一聲死老百姓。不料該死老百姓背景深厚，這句話因此引起了很大的糾紛。自從那次以後，部隊上一律尊稱我們為活老百姓。 有些活老百姓上課睡覺尚嫌不足，還要大打其鼾，鬧得教官很沒有面子，說也不是，不說也不是。有位教官的粉筆神功非常厲害，他把粉筆頭夾在兩根指頭中，老遠地對準目標一彈，十有八中。中彈的那位老兄，經常被彈得鼾聲驟斷，兩眼惺忪，驚惶四顧。也有些教官很懂得一點心理學，常常夾帶一些有趣的笑話。眼看有人作釣魚狀，上下眼皮親密得難分難捨之際，各色笑話便紛紛出籠。釣翁們莫不棄魚拋竿，急急追問笑得前仰後翻的會心人：何事精采？ 我很能入境隨俗，學會了閉目養神的淺睡法，兩眼一闔，便迷迷糊糊的不知何往。稍有動靜，則眼一睜，仍在教室中。既未挨彈，又不錯過精采情節。開闔之間，全憑耳朵的自由意志，所以三個月的訓練，樂在其中。 有堂課我聽得津津有味，大有收穫。那是某教授的哲學導論，講得扼要精闢，我有很多原本半通不懂的觀念，在他的講解下，一一原形畢露。這時才知道哲學原來並不只是咬文嚼字，雖然不盡是我想要知道的真理，卻是許許多多的大師們在追求真理過程中，所遺留下來的忠實記錄。 還有一門課，幾幾乎被我睡過去了，那是李廉教授的政治作戰。一聽到這個名稱，我的瞌睡蟲就爬了出來。我特別選了最後一個座位，從上課到下課，如同置身峻山叢林，在喃喃的禪唱中，老僧入定去也。 有一次，幾個同官聊起天來，莫不認定這裡的教學水準比一般大學為高。再談及科目，我最推崇那位哲學教授，他們則公舉李廉教授。我當然不服氣，政治作戰？特別揮走了睡蟲，專門應戰一番。 不料，這一聽令我大感後悔。李教授口才之佳，思路之敏捷，不僅是我前所未見，直到如今，我歷遍天下找不到任何一個人能望其項背。 我立刻由最後一個位子，鑽到第一排，恨不得把他所說所講的都給記在紙上，以便回去後細細揣摩。他所說的完全是方法，然後把方法用在實例上，靈活而生動，讓人一聽就懂。我追尋多年的，就是這樣一位老師，為什麼當年我不進政工幹校呢？再多的不甘願，只要能聽他一堂課，就遠勝我苦思經年。 他那時有六十多歲了，灰白的鋼髮，瘦削的身材，臉孔輪廓分明。他前額寬廣，目光炯炯有神，而最具威嚴的，還是他那兩道濃眉，尾端翹起，似飛未飛。 他說話的聲音穩定而柔和，字字清晰，恰是我最理想的催眠曲，以致我坐失良機，沒有聽到前一半的課程。因此我這個沉睡多日後的醒獅，下課後總是問東問西。有時他笑而不答，即使回答也多言簡意賅，足供我想上幾天。 收穫最大的是他提出事物正反的觀念，萬物有正反，萬事有矛盾，把正反合起來，把矛盾統一了就是力量。如果正反及矛盾對立，則是戰亂、鬥爭。這種簡單的論點，聽來似乎毫無新意，可是整個中國大陸就完全丟在這套矛盾鬥爭裡。 他不是哲學家，他的理論也非新猷。但他卻能將理論當作一種詮釋事實的工具，用這種方法分析錯綜複雜的問題，最後歸出一個必然的結果。很多人雖不同意他的結論，可是一步一步的追究，卻又找不到漏洞，不相信也不行。 在他以前，我沒聽過任何一個人對共產黨有正面的評價。因此我始終不能瞭解，為什麼那樣壞，那麼無能的極少數人，能在短短的三個月中，席捲數百萬平方公里的廣大國土，推翻一個又親民又愛民，且受全國擁戴的國民政府？不論從哪個角度來看，這種說法絲毫沒有說服力，徒令聽者心生反感。 李教授則認為共產黨是一個極有紀律、訓練良好的組織，他們有理想、有明確的目的，很清楚地知道要做什麼以及如何去做。他們之間的矛盾較少，力量集中，做事也有效率。相對的，國民黨太龐大，人多意見多，彼此之間的矛盾深，力量相互抵消。這是兩黨鬥爭中，國民黨最後失敗的根本原因。 不僅如此，共產黨知道如何應用這種優點，專事挑撥、製造國民黨內部的矛盾、擴大已有的矛盾。而在內部則利用矛盾的鬥爭，去統一矛盾，將彼此間之矛盾面減小。即使他們最後也變成了龐大的組織，但矛盾並沒有增加，反而力量更為強大。 他每講一段就舉出實例詳細分析，把一個錯綜複雜的國共兩黨鬥爭史，說得簡單明瞭，所有過程無不合情合理（我現在無法提出一些精采的細節，因為我苦心記錄的日記，不幸早已全部遺失了。） 這是一種方法的應用，相當於一種概念公式。只要將各種變數代入公式中，就能導出必然的答案來。如果能找到一種公式，依此一一推出人生的各種現象，那豈不正是我苦苦追求的人生真理嗎？ 在受訓的最後一天，我們聽完他的課後，無不覺得毛骨聳然。果真如此，有誰能對抗具備這種思維力量的共產黨呢？我立刻問道：李教授，這樣說來，我們憑什麼能打敗共產黨呢？ 王道，他笑笑，意味深長地說：王道。 在我進入戰地訓練班的第一天，就立刻有同官、指導員、隊長等紛紛來說服我參加國民黨。我表示分發到這裡受訓，原非我的志願。我對政治沒興趣，對入黨更沒有興趣，如果怕我影響到他們的工作，大可馬上把我調走。 我的小隊長是當年香港邵氏公司在台錄取的電影小生，名叫鹿瑜。我們很談得來，因為我很醉心電影，我們的話題大都也只限於編導技術。他畢業於國立藝專，但似乎對編導毫無概念，反而是我大發謬論的時間居多。 快結業時，有一天，鹿瑜苦著臉對我說：我們算不算是好朋友？ You can say that.我很奇怪他突然提出這個問題。 那我能不能請你幫個忙？ 當然可以，只要我辦得到。我只希望他別找我借錢就好。 只是舉手之勞，就怕你不願意。 What words?舉手之勞，為了朋友還會不願意？我特別強調舉手之勞。 那不一定，我怕他那副吞吞吐吐的樣子，很像做戲。 別囉唆，只要不是借錢，我都答應，一定算話。 為了我，請你參加國民黨！他乘機一口吐出。 原來如此，的確是舉手之勞，我又失算了。我之不願參加國民黨，並非有什麼政治因素，只是沒有興趣，而且骨頭又硬又臭，不願接受威脅利誘。現在看他一臉苦相，用這種方法要我入黨，我又有言在先，如何能拒絕？ 我只問你一個問題，什麼叫為了你？ 因為我們做黨員的，每個人至少要推薦一個人入黨，我一個都找不到。小組組織告訴我，只剩下你一個人還未入黨，所以要我來找你。他很誠懇地說了實話。 好吧，可是我有個條件。 What conditions?他很緊張，深怕煮熟的鴨子還會飛。 我要在結業那天才參加。這只能算是一種心理補償，至少可以多兩天的自由。 我發現不止是我，最後一天宣誓入黨的，還有三個人。 結業後，我被分發到陸軍裝甲部隊第一師，要到湖口報到。那是北部的一個小高原，遍地黃色沙土，寒風凜凜。我所分發的部隊是炮兵第四營，由於連指導員出缺，我以幹事身分代理其職務。 可能是我在復興崗睡得太多，不知道指導員該做什麼事。上任後，又單獨有個小房間，比誰都舒服，既不出操也不做實戰演習，每天晃來晃去，不知如何是好。 不得已，只好到團部去，向政戰處請教，這才知道我主要的工作是負責全營官兵的政治意識與思想行為。我們有一本最機密的小冊子，上面記載了官兵們每天的言行。如果有高級長官來營巡視，則哪些人該注意，哪些人該隔離等，都該由我來負責。 老天，這正是我最怕的工作，難怪非要我入黨不可。 我可以想像那種電影上的鏡頭，我每天拉長了耳朵，偷聽別人的談話，隨時隨地在生死簿上畫一筆。我可以很神氣地乜斜著眼，看誰不順眼，或誰對我不敬，都給他記上一筆。只要我一掏出小本子，人人戰慄。即使我只是掏掏口袋哼！ 我辦得到嗎？在農學院時，曾有位同學警告過我，說有兩位黨員奉命參加了我創立的學社，專門負責記載我的言行，原來就是今天我要幹的這種事。 我好奇之心又發作了，想要看看那生死簿上寫的是些什麼？為什麼小小的一隻筆會有那麼大的威力？ 古人說：不經一事，不長一智。真是不看則已，看後怵目驚心，令我整個人生的理念，都起了化學變化。 我立刻下了決心，不論如何，向父親叩頭都可以，一定要利用各種特權，助我脫離這個是非之地！ 那本本子上，密密麻麻地有很多不同人的筆跡，顯然是集體創作。其中任一句話都足以致人死地，使人永世不得翻身。 我們隊上有老士官十來個人，都是早年從軍，隨政府來台。迄今猶是孤家寡人，無親無故，以部隊為家。人心人性，古今皆然，他們把青春都獻給了國家，現在步入中年，來日不多，難免有時會回憶兒時，或嘆吁未來。然而這些事情在有意的渲染下，只要換上幾個字眼，在當時的高壓統治下，立刻成了滔天罪行！ 而今僅憑記憶中的印象，略舉數例。其中略去了人名和時地，並將文字簡化。 譭謗元首：有反叛性，危險人物，應隨時隔離。 私下批評長官：有反叛性，其人危險，應隔離。 發牢騷：思想有問題，危險，應隔離。 想家：思想不穩定，危險傾向，應隔離。 想要兒女：思想不穩定，危險傾向。 打架：危險人物，應隔離。 青年黨員：危險人物，應隔離。 說夢話：心理不正常，有危險傾向，應隔離。 吃菜太多：自私自利，需要再教育。 工作不力：思想不正確。 有一位士官，曾自殺兩次皆未成功，他的記載是： 危險份子：不怕死，應隨時隔離。 應隔離的意思是說，當大人物來巡視時，應把他關起來，以防危險。部隊上的嚴格要求是有必要的，但為了表示負責而到吹毛求疵的地步，那就太過分了。 這種記錄終生如影隨形，當事人到哪裡，資料就跟到那裡。那些記錄有的可能只是當事人一時無心之言，甚至有些分明是記錄者的主觀意見，但白紙寫上黑字後，便成了永遠無從洗刷的污點。 尤其是那位青年黨員，在我們民主、自由的國家中，為什麼會被視為危險人物呢？記得在師大附中時，我所敬愛的導師蕭輝楷先生，也因為是青年黨而被迫離校，害得我們全班四五十個無辜的青年學子，在心理以及學業上都受到了很大的影響。而其中受害最深的，正是我這個如今負責思想的幹事。 如果青年黨不合法，國家可以明令取締，如果我們不標榜民主自由，參與其他黨派的，也不妨格殺勿論。既然要設立幾個花瓶政黨，以顯示櫥窗式民主，偏偏私下又對絲毫起不了作用的青年黨員戕賊迫害，這究竟是為什麼呢？ 我從不關心政治，這時卻對青年黨產生了興趣，特別找了這位士官一談。 他姓章，年紀比我約大十多歲，但已兩霜飛白，滿臉皺紋，顯得出奇的蒼老。他拘謹地進來後，身體站得筆直。我請他坐下，開口就問道：你是青年黨員嗎？ 他聽了，臉上立刻顯出痛苦不堪的表情，淚珠奪眶而出，搶著說：真是天大的冤枉，少尉，你剛來，叫我怎麼說都說不清..說著他竟哭出聲來。 我大為詫異，聽他的口氣，好像否認是青年黨員，那為什麼本子上那樣寫呢？ 他發覺失態了，忙揩乾眼淚說：少尉，我可以走了罷？ 我留他坐下，誠懇地說：我歷世不深，今天來這裡，明年就退役了，你是什麼黨本來與我一點關係都沒有。只是因為過去的一件事，使我想瞭解一下青年黨是怎麼回事。剛才看了些文件，上面說你是青年黨員，所以找你來聊聊。 他沉默了一會，慨然說：好吧，請先聽我解釋，我並沒有參加任何黨派。十多年前，我還在家鄉讀中學，因為恨日本鬼子，便參加了青年軍隨著孫總司令來台灣時，我是少尉排長。只因為孫總司令的案子發生了，凡是被孫將軍帶出來的，一概降級改敘，我便被分到裝甲師來，並降為士官。後來我一直不能升少尉，我自命不比別人差，常發牢騷。有位指導員說因為我不是國民黨，所以升不了官。我氣不過，說了一句：寧願進青年黨，也不進國民黨！從此以後，他們就認定我是青年黨了。 我並不瞭解他說的經過，想想自己過去的行為，只因沾了父親的光，否則今天恐怕也不知道在哪裡受罪。我突然天真地問他：現在你想不想參加國民黨呢？ 當然想，可是申請了幾次，都被打了回票。老實說，我一隻腳已經進了棺材，什麼都不重要了，只想賴著多活幾天，好回家去看看爹娘！說著說著，他眼睛又紅了。 我以為進國民黨很容易，便自願擔任他的保証人，填了單子，報上營部。想不到第二天就被退了回來，我不死心，親自到營部，向營指導員解釋。 營指導員聽我說完，好心叫我不要管閒事。 我問道：這不是我的責任嗎？他入了黨，黨就增加一分力量。 可是他是問題人物呀！ 我信任他，我可以保証。 What's the use of that?他出了事，你還不是跟著倒霉？ That's my problem.My attitude is very firm. 如果我同意了，就變成我的問題！他見我很頑固，大為震怒：你明年退伍走了，我還在這裡，找不到你，可還找得到我！我不能為了他毀掉自己的前途！ 那麼，我們黨員只應該為自己考慮囉？我當然不服氣。 joke!你入黨居然不是為你自己考慮？你想救國救民？ what can i say坦白交待，說是被迫入黨的？我只好另做努力，很誠懇地說：能不能讓我呈到師部去呢？ 他冷笑了一下，隨手在申請單上蓋個章，寫上保留意見四個字，然後對我說：瞧你的吧！ 師部是一位上校接見我，首先把我訓了一頓，又說：今天還好是我，換個人可能先把你辦了，憑你入黨還不到一個月，自身難保，還想來保個危險份子！ 我忍著性子聽他訓完，才說：請教長官，我的責任應該是什麼？ 你連你的責任是什麼都不知道？ 我以為是負責連上官兵的思想，教他們信仰三民主義，擁護國民黨。 That's right. 現在，這位士官接受了我的指導，願意參加本黨，難道是我的錯嗎？ 他勃然大怒：你這個死東西，我告訴你他是危險份子，你還跟我狡辯？ 難道人不能改過自新嗎？我自恃有理，打算豁出去了。 他怒眼圓睜，高高地拿起桌上一本冊子，狠狠地對我說：這是你的記錄！告訴你，你思想有問題！你想利用離心份子來破壞我們的黨！ 我知道這個帽子的分量，思想有問題的歸宿是綠島，一個專門囚禁無須經過法律審判程序，而已經定罪的犯人。再爭下去，顯然我也只有去唱綠島小夜曲了。 我能不低頭嗎？至少我努力過，而力量只有這麼大。今天如果不自量力，暴虎憑河，我今生真正的目標就永遠無法達成了。 想到這裡，我才知道自己錯了，這一類悲慘的事件絕不止此一樁，我的責任並非勸人加入國民黨。於是我行個軍禮，像演戲一般，說：報告長官，屬下知道自己錯了，原案請予撤消。 所謂識實務者為俊傑，我若再不轉彎，這本自傳很可能早就存檔待查了。 我決定設法調走，我從未求過父親，但若是再待下去，遲早還會有其他的問題發生。正想找父親說項，卻碰到師部的捷豹康樂隊正在找小喇叭手。我先去應試，演奏通過後，再經由一位當軍長的親戚打聲招呼，我便脫離苦海，正式進了康樂隊。