Chapter 21 Seven, confused

Migration, Exile, Lost, Hippie In 1968, when I had just returned from Brazil, several students from the Agricultural College were invited by the Brazilian government to investigate the Amazon River.Before leaving, they came to ask for my opinion, and I think it is definitely worth a visit.With the support of the Brazilian government, we will have a bright future if we use our manpower and technology to develop there. In 1970, they came to me again, saying that they had received a promise from the Brazilian government.In the northern state of Manoryan, the Northeast Development Bureau allocated a tax-deductible development fund of 10 million U.S. dollars, and another 350,000 hectares of virgin forest for mining, and provided 100 hectares of construction in the state capital. Land, as the construction of Chinatown.The exchange conditions are only a feasible development plan, an initial start-up fee of hundreds of thousands of dollars, and the participation of technical personnel.

However, with such favorable conditions and such a rare opportunity, in the nearly two years since they returned to China, they have traveled all over the rich and wealthy, but they have not received any response. I analyzed the research carefully and found that they made three big mistakes.First, they only look for rich people. In Taiwan, rich people are not afraid of not making money, and they are absolutely unwilling to take risks.Secondly, if they do not provide strong evidence for these favorable conditions, it is difficult to accept the conservative personality of the Chinese people.Third, if this kind of plan does not get the approval of the government, there will be a lot of trouble in the future.Because several prestigious people have proposed a plan to immigrate to Brazil to relieve the pressure on the domestic population.In the end, it was all over because the government wanted to retain manpower and prepare for a counterattack to the mainland.

In principle, if the understanding of the government can be obtained, technicians are allowed to invest a small amount and become shareholders of the company.I believe that based on my knowledge of Brazil, it may not be a problem to persuade dozens of technicians to participate and raise a hundred thousand dollars.However, they objected to other technologists participating in the investment, fearing that it would distract the initial participants. It was not until the end of the year that they had no choice but to agree to my proposal and invite me to participate in the planning. Their actual person in charge is Mr. Zhang Yaoru, a few years older than me, very smart and capable, eloquent and tolerant.His only shortcoming is that he is not decisive enough and has too many worries.There are ten other members, and half of them are still in Brazil.The few people I saw in Taiwan were lackluster, some were too accidental, and some were arrogant.It gives people the feeling that the country has been set, and it is only waiting to build the platform high, and immediately crack the earth and enshrine the gods.

At that time, Brazil had an embassy in Taiwan, and Mr. Muller, the ambassador to China, was the initiator of this matter, and he fully supported it regardless of the stage or background.After his hard work and the efforts of Zhang Yaoru and others, the Overseas Chinese Affairs Committee agreed in principle to 2,000 peasant households to move to Brazil, but publicity was strictly prohibited. At the same time, I also found more than a dozen friends, and friends introduced friends. A total of more than forty people were willing to participate.Calculated at 2,500 yuan per person, the total amount is more than 100,000 US dollars.Their common doubt is, since there is a development fund of 10 million US dollars, why do they need such an insignificant investment?

As far as I know and the information provided by the Brazilian embassy, ​​the reason is that the Brazilian government listed the Amazon River Basin as a special zone and established the Northeast Development Bureau for the sake of average economic development.Those who are interested first submit the development plan and prepare their own start-up expenses. After the plan is approved, the company can be established.With a company, and then to raise funds throughout Brazil, these funds can be tax deductible.As long as the plan is good, everyone is willing to invest, and they don't want to pay the government for nothing.

One hundred thousand yuan is not much. If it can be used properly, once the company is established, it can raise a large amount of funds, and it will grow bigger and bigger like a snowball.Moreover, the land in northern Brazil is fertile and the climate is good. With the hardworking characteristics of Chinese farmers, there is land for farming and forests for mining.With the assistance of the Brazilian government, there is no need to worry about no market and no need to worry about funds.When there are more people, Chinatown can be built, and all kinds of industries are waiting to be flourished.As long as we work hard for a few years, these achievements will not only be enjoyed by dozens of us for a lifetime, but the more people there are, the greater the chances of success will be.

After we recruited all the people in Taipei, the sponsoring shareholders have been divided into two factions.Those who stayed in Brazil were unwilling to cede their vested rights and opposed newcomers joining the group; those in Taipei knew that the opportunity was no longer there, and tried their best to fight for it.Finally, the two parties compromised, and the new shareholders began to quarrel again, wanting to occupy more than half of the shares.Of course, the original shareholders do not agree, and I think it is too much. In order to be fair, both parties are based on the actual investment amount, and the new shares are worth about 20%.

Zhang Yaoru and I became peacemakers on both sides. Once I even knelt down and begged them to take care of the general situation.To put it bluntly, I don't think there is anything to dispute about the rights of this company. In Brazil, everyone has their own opportunities for development.At that time, no one may be willing to stay in the company to serve everyone. Now there is a lot of trouble, so why? If I hadn't been too meddlesome, I would have quit a long time ago if I found these friends, and I have no shirk in my responsibility.After much deliberation, it is inevitable to go through struggles to achieve great things. As long as the Brazilian company is established, these friends can show their talents.At that time, I must drop everything and drift away.

Based on this belief, we finally overcame all difficulties and established Zhongma Agriculture, Forestry, Industry and Commerce Co., Ltd. in Taipei, headquartered in the third section of Renai Road.In January of the following year, I brought a US dollar check of more than 30,000 yuan and went to Brazil for the first time to join the advance colleagues who had already been in Manorian State.My task is to immediately form a subsidiary in Brazil and handle the entry procedures for subsequent personnel.If it cannot be achieved, the money brought back to Taiwan will be brought back intact. Before leaving home, in order to settle the living expenses of her stepmother, she took great pains.In particular, the film department of TTV, which I used to work for, gave me dozens of films to translate in one go, and then entrusted colleagues to broadcast them on behalf of me.There is about 2,000 yuan of income per month, which lasts for half a year, and is sent to the home by TTV on a monthly basis.

In addition, the huge home is empty, and only the old lady is left alone. If something happens, there is no one to take care of it.But I have exhausted my words on this matter, no matter her relatives or friends, no one is willing to live with her in this free house.As a last resort, I approached Brother Jiang Shufan, who is also a shareholder of Zhongma Company, and offered to invite his whole family to live in my house.Of course, there is an attached condition, that is, to take care of my stepmother. In my luggage are eight volumes of diaries, precious records of my life.I don't feel at ease staying at home, and it's not a good idea to keep such a life of wandering here and there, not knowing where to go.Therefore, when passing through Los Angeles, I entrusted my old friend Sun Zhenxian to keep it on my behalf.Unfortunately, he was also busy with work, and in a move the next year, all my hard work was lost without a trace.

The capital of the state of Manolão is Saint-Louis, with a population of about 100,000.The whole city seems to be still sleeping in the nineteenth century. The colonial houses have not changed for a hundred years except for the layers of peeling coats. The city of Santos is located south of the equator, at the outlet of the Amazon River, facing the Atlantic Ocean, and has a typical tropical marine climate.The fertility of the local soil and the abundance of products are unbelievable.Babasu, a palm plant with high economic value, can extract 70% vegetable oil from its seeds, and its texture is far better than that of coconuts and peanuts.Not only edible, but also very important in industry.Babasu crops three times a year, and it grows in clusters everywhere. There is no need to plant it, just lean over and pick it up after the seeds mature and fall to the ground. Based on the urgent needs of the market, in the 1950s, the Germans first came here to develop, modern factories stood up, and the shipping network was far-reaching.However, it was only when the work started that the Babasu seeds were found all over the place, but there was no one to pick them up.The salary is low, and the Brazilians would rather pick up their own food than work.Wages were raised, and after workers earned enough to drink, they disappeared for days.After years of hard work, the situation remained the same. The Germans had no choice but to barely maintain a monthly output of 800 tons, which would only fill one ship a year. Americans do not believe in evil, use scientific analysis, adopt psychological strategies, and first set up purchasing stations in various places to facilitate picking up, but the situation has not improved.Furthermore, the Americans built houses in various places, with indoor water, electricity, refrigerators, TVs and other equipment.As long as the Brazilians pick up a few Babasu seeds, they can live in and enjoy the joy of civilization. At first, because of curiosity, the natives of Brazil did actively donate for a while, but when they were satisfied with the novelty, they found that this kind of life was not worth the loss, and went back to the jungle. In addition to the wild Babasu, there are many coconut gardens, and the owners only lie on the beach to bask in the sun all year round.When it's harvest time, as soon as the buyer arrives, the owner of the garden will estimate the price and let others go to pick it.As for the unowned coconut trees, the Brazilians are too lazy to do it themselves. They train the monkeys to climb the trees. As long as they make a gesture, the monkeys will pick off the coconuts and throw them on the ground.Some people complain about such an easy job, blaming the coconuts for being too heavy and the trees growing too tall. As soon as I arrived in Shengcheng, the humid and hot air made my breathing heavy.Looking at the dark clouds piled up on the face of the company's advance personnel who picked me up, I immediately fell into the abyss of despair, knowing that it was the beginning of another nightmare. The company is located in a temporarily rented residence with poor equipment, everyone sleeps on the floor, and there is not even a bed.The sweltering daylight makes people unable to lift up their spirits and cannot work.At night, due to the lack of electricity, the lights are like ghost fires, which are on and off from time to time.In order to do business, we had no choice but to light a gas lamp. The bluish-white flame illuminated the empty room, making the surroundings even more eerie and blurry. There are two local shareholders that I have met in Taipei. Mr. Wei is about fifty years old. He used to be an engineer of the Highway Bureau.Another Colonel Zhang once studied in Spain and met some South American military generals. Before retiring, he was General Jiang Weiguo's adjutant.Among the other three, Old Xiao is my senior. He has leadership skills and a clear mind, but he thinks too highly of himself.Xiao Yang is also a senior, he is extremely selfish, has many ideas, and never thinks of others.Xiao Liao is his junior, he rarely expresses his opinions, and only Lao Xiao obeys in everything. On my first night in Shengshi, Mr. Wei held the first meeting in a gloomy atmosphere.After I clarified the views of the Taipei side, a tragic war broke out in an instant, and there has been no peace since then. Mr. Wei, as the chairman, ordered me to hand over the money immediately; Xiao Yang firmly opposed the entry procedures for new shareholders, and believed that Taipei’s equity should not exceed 10%; Lao Xiao believed that the Brazilian company should be the main body, and Taiwan It is a branch company, and everything should be decided by the head office. I can see that this is entirely a matter of power struggle. If the company is not established as soon as possible, the shareholders in Taiwan will not be able to come to Pakistan, and they will not be able to obtain legal status.People here have wishful thinking, thinking that the shareholders in Taipei are only responsible for providing funds, while the Brazilian company has full rights to operate. Of course I can't compromise, I can only hope that Mr. Wei can uphold justice, and Mr. Wei will not participate in other opinions except agreeing to establish the company immediately.Colonel Zhang watched from the sidelines. He was neither a new shareholder nor a member of the investigation team, but Zhang Yaoru specially invited him to do public relations.His position is very ambiguous, he always said to remain detached, and asked us to support him in private, hoping to replace Mr. Wei. I tried my best to deal with Xiao and Yang every day, but there was no progress.Several times I was so disappointed that I admitted failure and prepared to return to Taiwan, but I always felt that there was still a glimmer of hope.Later, Lao Xiao no longer insisted on the restriction of personnel coming to Brazil, and I also compromised and decided on my own, agreeing to focus on Brazil, supplemented by Taipei, and reduce the share of Taipei to 15%.Xiao Yang, however, refused to give in. He would rather all his plans go to waste than pick up a ready-made bargain for the recent participants in Taipei. Once, Lao Xiao and Xiao Yang expressed to me privately that our students from the Agricultural College were already in control and could accomplish extraordinary things. Why are they so stupid and willing to let people in Taipei take a share of the pie?I expressed my responsibilities and ideas. I think this kind of career cannot be accomplished by just a few students, and strength is strength when there are many people. Due to lack of experience and experience, I made a serious mistake, which is unforgivable.After talking with Xiao and Yang, I wrote a letter to my classmates in Taiwan and in the company. On the one hand, I talked about the current situation, and on the other hand, I was quite critical of the two seniors.As soon as the letter was sent, I felt it was inappropriate, but it was too late. At this time, everyone agreed to set up the company first, but because of the title and position, there was another turmoil.According to the regulations of the Brazilian government, the post of chairman should be held by a Brazilian citizen, and a retired general with great reputation has been appointed.Mr. Wei believed that the vice chairman was none other than himself, and Colonel Zhang, with his good relationship in South America, also felt that he should do his part. After a few days of arguing, Colonel Zhang threatened to expose our company to the Brazilian general because of our company's lack of financial resources and lack of personnel, and Mr. Wei gave in.Colonel Zhang is the vice chairman, he is the general manager and finance, the old Xiao is in charge of production, I am in charge of business, and another Brazilian is in charge of administration. Taipei agreed to pay after learning about the company's formation, so I handed over the US dollar check I brought.Unexpectedly, due to the lack of experience in Taipei, the homework was wrong, and the check could not be cashed.To make matters worse, that classmate in Taipei actually displayed my letter publicly as a reason for confrontation. For a while, both Taipei and Manoliang were indignant, and at the same time they exchanged letters and telegrams, blaming each other.Here it is said that Taipei has broken its promise, and Taipei insists on dismissing Lao Xiao, and the two sides are in trouble.Fortunately, Lao Xiao knew the general situation, resigned voluntarily, and the money was remitted in time, so there was a slight turning point. In March, because I couldn't complete the task, Zhang Yaoru came from Taipei in person to solve the key problem of personnel coming to Pakistan.After he arrived, he found that the positions of the two sides were difficult to compromise. He talked about the late April, and the interests were difficult to divide. At this time, the stone broke the sky, and US President Nixon started ping-pong diplomacy with the People's Republic of China.Based on political factors, the Brazilian government is planning to withdraw our land reclamation plan.So far, I have understood in my heart that if 2,000 peasant households cannot immigrate to Pakistan, it will be difficult to do things without land. Misfortunes never come singly. The Brazilian ambassador to China, Mr. Müller, who supported us the most, crashed in the Taiwan Strait while flying from Taiwan to Hong Kong. No one survived the plane.Without Muller's help, like a fish out of water, this plan is even more slim.We struggled repeatedly, and even went to Brasilia to seek help from Senator Shanai of Manoryan State.However, seeing his perfunctory attitude, I was completely desperate. The Taipei company was very dissatisfied with my performance, and I also felt extremely discouraged, so I resigned sadly at the end of July.What should we do in the future?Are you going back to Taiwan?How to face those shareholders?The mistake in this matter was entirely my fault. I was overthinking my own abilities and failed to see the truth clearly, so I recruited these innocent friends into the group.After arriving in Brazil, I knew that there was nothing I could do, and I couldn't make a quick decision, so that my feet got deeper and deeper, and I fell to where I am today. Later, I heard that Taipei still wanted to save it, and invested a lot of money, and the struggle for rights became more intense.I knew it was a pit of fire, but because everyone lost confidence in me, no matter how much I tried to dissuade me, all I got was sneering ridicule.These helpless sufferings have all turned into Abi Purgatory, which keeps reappearing in nightmares every night when people are quiet. A calm review, this matter is entirely my own fault: First, running a business is not my ambition. I have neither received professional training nor worked hard to think and research. I just invested in it rashly for profit. Second, I think I understand human nature. There are so many people involved in such a huge project.Everyone has their own plans, but I want to whitewash their appearance with ideals, neither fish nor fowl. Third, in this kind of transnational business, the personnel are located at the two poles of the earth, so communication is not easy.In addition, most of the participants on both sides have never met, how can we expect everyone to work together and help each other? Fourth, with only a small amount of capital, how can the investors who joined us later try to take advantage of others' dangers and share the vested interests of those who were originally involved? All in all, I was wrong, I should not force myself to pull some innocent friends into this circle of right and wrong.My original goal was to take a shortcut this time, to form a company and immigrate to Brazil in large numbers.I thought that with the help of everyone, I could not only solve the problem of my stepmother, but also be able to live comfortably, and then pursue my ideal. The achievement of the goal has its inevitable process and inevitable consequences.It would be a fantasy without a thorough understanding of these inevitability in advance.In the end, when the reality appeared in front of my eyes, I realized that it was not what I wanted. Looking back, the time has passed and the mistake has already been made. At the beginning, I didn't know the inevitability of this incident. I despised money and hated struggle, but I put myself at the center of the power storm.Of course, without going through these processes, how can we understand the inevitable consequences?If you are lucky, you can easily overcome many difficulties and everything will be resolved smoothly.In the next step, the career will be gradually promoted. In the dynamic changes of people and things, new situations will appear from time to time. What will be my goal? Obviously, I was only chasing fantasies, and basing my fantasies on other people's fantasies.Looking at what I have done in the past, although I have no selfish intentions, I think I have the ability to solve all problems, and I always try to force myself to stand out and make indiscriminate claims. What is the difference between this and selfishness?The ancients once said: Blowing up a pool of spring water, what is the bottom line?How can I start making trouble when I still don't know right and wrong, and can't distinguish between black and white? After learning from the pain, I know I was wrong, but the mistake has been made.Now I can only hide my name, avoid the world, and let time wash away my sinful karma. Where are you going?Death can't solve the problem, the remaining responsibility is to make the mistakes I made public to the world.In addition, I have to investigate further, what are the factors that make mistakes spread in the world again and again? Let's go back to Salvador, at least there is still music there, although I was a deserter, see if I can escape back.As for Eloisa, I dare not think about it, nor am I qualified to think about it.I am already covered in sins, and I have no reason to talk about those high-sounding principles.At the same time, I am also afraid of seeing her, no matter what she is today, when I think about the past, how can we be so embarrassing for each other? I used the remaining money to buy an old-fashioned car, the price of which was about the same as a long-distance bus ticket to Shashi.A car can be that cheap, and its situation matches mine.In fact, this kind of car is quite popular in Brazil. It is called Cotini. It was originally produced in France and assembled in Brazil.It’s just that my car is too old, it’s more than 20 years old, and the original owner has left it for many years, and no one has heard of it, so I gave it to me at a low price. This car is extremely small, about one or two feet shorter than the Beetle, and six inches shorter.It looks like she is as small as a toy, but it has four doors and four seats, and the interior design is quite economical.Some experts told me that the quality of Keding Ni cars was the best in the early years, but later it became worse and worse, so that it was robbed of the market by Beetle cars. Before leaving, the little black man who worked part-time in the company found out, and he said that he also wanted to hitch a ride south to join his friends.I think about it, why not?It would be nice to have an extra driver.It's just that I don't have much left in my pocket, just enough for fuel, and I have already bought bread and water for the rest.Estimated by two people, it should be enough to eat for three days, so we must arrive in Shashi within three days. It is about 2,000 kilometers from here to Shashi. The road is rough and difficult, and 800 kilometers of it are either mud or stones.What's more frightening is that this section is sparsely populated and infested with insects and snakes. It is a completely wild area.The Brazilians almost burst out laughing when they heard I was going to drive that old car.My colleagues also tried to persuade me, but my determination was unshakable, so let’s take it as an adventure. If God really wants to call me back, I have no excuses. We set off at night, because this section is a high-grade asphalt road, and the little black man just learned to drive in the company, so I just slept first and asked him to drive. In the blur, I woke up in a weird situation, the car was leaning to the right, shaking and roaring.I saw that the asphalt road was about ten centimeters higher than the ground level. The little black man drove the two wheels on the right side under the shoulder of the road. The tires happened to rub against the raised edge of the asphalt road, and the entire tire and steel rim were worn out.Not to mention, because of too much friction, the engine load is too heavy, and the water tank and circulating leather pipe are also cracked! I haven't walked fifty kilometers yet, what should I do?Life and death are trivial matters, and living halfway within a few hundred miles of no human habitation would make life worse than death!The little black man turned pale with fright when he saw that he had caused a catastrophe. I asked him: Do you want to go back? He shook his head desperately, and I said again: You have to know, we might die on the way! He was still shaking his head and said very generously: Anyway, he will starve to death when he goes back! I changed the spare tire to the front and adjusted the front and back of the rear tire, and it seemed to work.As for the water tank, there is no way to fill it now, let it leak, just add water from time to time.The leather tube is broken, so I wrap it with plastic wrap, and then wrap it tightly with rags layer after layer, as long as it can survive to the repair station. I don't dare to drive it for him anymore, the asphalt road is more than 1,000 kilometers, and at a speed of 80 kilometers per hour, driving for 16 hours a day, I should be able to handle it alone.I plan to drive the most difficult 800-kilometer stone road in two days. Although it will be slower, it is still expected.It's just that I'm not sure about the condition of the car. I drove carefully and slowly until dawn.About 200 kilometers away from St. Louis, there is a small town hidden among the hills. It seems that there are only a few families.As soon as our little car arrived, it was like a UFO from outer space. In an instant, dozens of men, women and children appeared in the town. Their clothes can only be described as covering their bodies. Most of the children were naked, with their eyes wide open. While looking at this strange car, they thought about me as a Chinese. Luckily there was a garage, the only store in town, that sold everything, but had nothing on the shelves. I asked the boss to look at the car, but there was no need to look for it, he had already started researching it there.I believe that it is very rare to see this kind of small car in this kind of backcountry, and if it is such an old one, it may be difficult to see it even in a big city. Of course, I mean except for museums. He looked at it for a long time and asked me: Where are you going?He was thin and weather-beaten, but his eyes were bright. bahia. Bahia!He smiled so cutely, turned his head and said loudly to the onlookers: He is going to Bahia! Everyone laughed so hard that even the little black man who came with me couldn't help it, and everyone laughed together. It's just that the tank is broken.I explained. His water tank is broken.He laughed so hard that he bent over. Can you fix it?I waited for him to finish laughing and asked him patiently. Can I fix it?He laughed again. I got angry and said to the little black man: He can't fix it, let's go. This time, he stopped laughing, looked at me strangely and said: Are you crazy?I have never seen such a rotten thing in my life, and I can walk this gravel road! There is always a first time! Are you really going to Bahia?He still doesn't believe it. In the end, he finally believed it, repaired the water tank and water pipes seriously, and even treated us to a big meal at the tree department. I had agreed with him in advance that I had no money with me, so he accepted my watch and a folding parasol for women. When we left, he held the umbrella for women in broad daylight and said to me: When you arrive in Bahia, tell the fellow over there that I repaired this car. Although there are endless Babasu in the countryside, most people stay in the city and don't want to go back to the countryside.The little black man has never had a meal since he was a child, and it is rare for him to be full.Even if he came to our company to do odd jobs, it was nothing more than giving him some leftovers, a little bit of money.The Chinese have always been lenient towards themselves and strict with others. Colleagues think that if they give him food, he will be lucky. He is willing to come out with me because I often secretly give him some money. Although it is not much, he has already made him grateful.He is very sincere and eager to learn. I taught driving. I originally planned to hire him as a driver after the company has income. Unexpectedly, just as I was on the road, I found that there was no bread.I asked the little black man to look for it, and he admitted that he ate them all. God, you are not dead? He rubbed his belly with satisfaction, and said with a smile: "Fortunately, if there is butter, I can eat more." I really couldn't laugh or cry, and asked him: Do you know that this is our food for three days? I know. Then there will be nothing to eat for the next few days! I know.He is quite confident. Will starve. I know. Then what do I eat?I know it's a dog barking at a cat, he's been starving for a long time. He shook his head honestly, with a look full of compassion: I don't know. On the second day, we kept bending back and forth in the chaotic mountains, so we had to empty our stomachs, otherwise, we would even vomit out our stomachs and intestines in that way.I didn't see a car or a house along the way. Fortunately, the fuel was already ready.At a speed of fifty kilometers, I was bouncing and bouncing on large and small rocks, and the yellow dust was often rolled up in the places where the car passed. This section of road just runs through the wasteland in the north and central part, with an area of ​​more than 10,000 square kilometers and an annual rainfall of less than 100 millimeters.All the mountains are bare, and the exposed stones are dark brown or yellow. There is not a little greenery around, and the car is hot during the day, but the windows cannot be opened.Even so, our bodies and faces have already been covered with a fine layer of dust.The carburetor clogged several times and the dust cover turned into a lime wall.Because I couldn't find any shade, I had to clean the carburetor under the scorching sun against the cushion of the car seat. It was so easy to look forward to the night, and wandering around in the mountains in the dark seemed to be a never-ending journey.I'm exhausted, and I've already walked more than 600 kilometers, and the suffering will only last for a few hours at most, so let's hold on! The night is as cool as water, which is not bad at all, but it can keep your mind clear.For those who are surrounded by darkness, there is only a bright light in front of their eyes, as if they are peeping through the pipe.Except for the land a few feet away, the rest of the world seemed to be swallowed up by darkness. His stomach was terribly hungry, not to mention that he had no food, not even much water.The little black man next to him was sleeping soundly, and even started snoring! There should be only a few hundred kilometers of suffering left. People say: half a hundred miles away, the most difficult part is often the last part.Even if I just set off, what's the point of driving for a few more hours?I will be back in El Salvador soon, the beautiful Eloisa, she should get married, who will the groom be? It's like waking up in a dream in the middle of the night, the surroundings are dark, I sit upright, and I'm about to turn on the light No, what am I doing?The mind is also black Where is this?Is it in a hotel? I remember I was still driving just now!Why does it seem to be in El Salvador?impossible! Never mind!I'm too tired, stop the car first, get some sleep, and think about it tomorrow. When I woke up with a chill, it felt like a dream, and I dreamed of Eloisa. The sky is twilight, and there are endless loess hills in front of you. Where is this?Suddenly I was shocked, no, I was driving yesterday, but there was no road ahead!Are you still dreaming? I stuck my head out of the car window and looked down, and the continuous mountain peaks stretched endlessly to the horizon!I hurriedly looked sideways to the rear left, and it turned out that the road was behind me! I was so scared that I broke out in a cold sweat, I understand.Last night I fell asleep and the car was off the road.Fortunately, I stopped the car unknowingly, otherwise I would have been smashed to pieces if I kept rushing down. Am I already dead?Is that moment of darkness the feeling before death? I cautiously opened the car door and saw solid ground.Get out of the car and take a look, as expected!My car just stopped at the tip of a hanging rock, only a meter away, and life and death were at stake. I am not dead, the suffering is not over, there is nothing to be thankful for, and there is nothing to be sad about, the power of life and death is beyond my control. On the third day, I was hungry, thirsty and tired. It can be said that I have gone through thousands of mountains and rivers.After going through life and death, finally, Salvador's logo, like a savior (Salvador means savior), appeared in front of his eyes.I was about to get out of the sea of ​​suffering, so I got up my spirits and sent the little black man to a friend's house to rest for a while, then went to find the old horse. Lao Ma is a friend I made when I was studying music. He is also an extraordinary person, and he is worthy of special mention.He graduated from Zhongyuan Institute of Technology. His father was a Wannian Guodai. He was diligent and frugal all his life. He rode a bicycle to work and invested all his life savings in his son. The unborn son is handsome and suave, except for making girlfriends, he doesn't care about everything.In the end, he actually captured the heart of the school girl that everyone in the Central Plains envied.After getting married, he took his lovely wife and went to Brazil to reclaim wasteland. The first time I met Lao Ma was at a Chinese gathering in Sao Paulo.A friend who was unruly and full of jealousy pointed to a dignified and beautiful lady in the field and said: You should get to know this amazing woman. If it wasn't for her, I would have lost confidence in Chinese tradition.It happened to be her, who made me unable to find a wife in my life! I took a closer look. She was well-proportioned and well-dressed.The most fascinating thing is her soft, serene, slightly upturned corners of her mouth.With a delicate face and correct facial features, not only is it beautiful but not glamorous, but also solemn and generous.An unspeakable warmth, as if it is a model of nature, which makes people feel admiration and admiration. He went on to say: The most annoying thing is that a flower is stuck on the cow dung!She used to be the school belle of the Central Plains, but for some unknown reason, she was tricked by one of the most shameless bastards in the world.He pointed to a man talking loudly in the crowd and said: Here, that is his husband, old horse!In addition to being able to speak well, I really don't know what other benefits are there? I became friends with Lao Ma after we arrived in Shashi. Mrs. Ma is very attractive to me, but Lao Ma also has advantages over others.Yes, he has a widow's disease, but his good point is absolute honesty. People often joked about him, saying that he was going to make a small report, but Ma always smiled and said: Go!go!I was looking for someone to inform my wife! There were really people who wanted to see the joke, but no one would have guessed it. Mrs. Ma listened quietly and said with a smile: Yes, this is the old horse. how?You pamper him like this? What's wrong?How many exceptions are there for you men? Lao Ma also likes to gamble, but he is very self-controlled. They have an imported goods store, and Mrs. Ma is in charge of all matters.He wandered around all day, not doing his job, but what he said was not unreasonable. We eat this bowl of rice, and the customers are all Brazilian girls who are about to marry. Can I hang out with them all day long? However, friends would always tease him intentionally or unintentionally, and the old horse would not take it for granted. He often said: I don’t understand why my life is so good. Save the money for my business.I found a good wife again. Everyone was jealous and hoped that I would get a divorce soon, but she treated me very well.Now, I have a good son who hasn't bothered me once since the first day he was born, so what can I do?In the world, some people suffer while others enjoy happiness. I am a living specimen! However, he also has a hidden worry, that is, he believes too much in his own good fate. From smoking marijuana to heroin, he gradually becomes addicted to drugs.Mrs. Ma didn't say anything, but she was very anxious in her heart. Once she said to me: "Xiao Zhu, I can't trust others. Can you help me persuade Lao Ma?"The color is not terrible, at worst he will divorce me.There is nothing wrong with gambling, the money can be earned back, even if there is no money, it is just a bit bitter.I am most worried about drug addiction. Addiction can change people's temperament, especially for people like Lao Ma who have never suffered in their life. It is very difficult for him to stop. Of course, I also tried my best, and I took the trouble to persuade him. Lao Ma is always full of confidence and has the virtue of not caring. I will be addicted?Just kidding, just wait and see. I promised Mrs. Ma that I would never allow you to take drugs in front of me. Don't worry, tell me someday when you see me smoking, I'll let you beat me, let you scold me, that's fine! I like to chat with Mrs. Ma, but I never deliberately talk to her.It is precisely because Lao Ma trusts me very much, and Mrs. Ma is worthy of respect and love, I have always treated her as a big sister. Once, Lao Ma invited many guests and arranged two tables of mahjong.I didn't want to call at first, but seeing Mrs. Ma rushing in and out by herself, I didn't feel at ease, so I went to the kitchen to help out. While I was working, I asked her curiously: I believe that many people have asked you. For my theory, I still want to ask again. I don't know if she heard clearly, but I feel that after a long time, she didn't speak.I didn't pay attention at first because I was so absorbed in the work at hand.Looking up inadvertently, she was quietly wiping tears. I was panicked, knowing that I had accidentally stabbed her, and I didn't know what to do for a while. You are a music student, you should know.She calmed down and said calmly: How can there be happiness in life?Beautiful music is always sad. Unexpectedly, she turned out to be a philosopher, and I admired her even more. My mother believes in Buddhism and often teaches me not to care about it, which I think makes sense.她接著又說：我父親也一天到晚教我三從四德，別人怎麼講我不管，我只是覺得我應該這樣做。像你，我很佩服你的勇氣，你不也是在做你認為應該做的事嗎？ 我們之間單獨的談話並不多，但是語言有時反而是多餘的。我一看到她慈悲的情懷，包容的度量，就覺得自己相當渺小。人世之可貴，正是因為有著無數偉大的靈魂，讓人嚮往、珍惜，以至於追尋、效法。 多年未見，老馬消瘦了許多，然而馬大嫂卻一如往昔，見到他們，真有隔世之感。他們一再的安慰我，留我住下來，鼓勵我重新出發。並在當地幫我找到一個中國餐館的工作，有時做做侍者，有時幫大師傅燒燒菜。 這就是我的歸宿嗎？麻木不仁的生存下去並不難，難的是當第二天由惡夢中醒來時，發現自己還要面對這無盡的未來，那一剎才真是心驚神顫。我可以欺騙任何人，但卻騙不了自己，三十多歲了，真理尚未找到，卻惹了一身俗世的腥羶。 為了解除內心的壓力，我開始作畫。每天清晨在餐館工作尚未開始時，我便到海邊，支起了畫架，調好色彩，去捕捉那唯一能讓我忘卻煩惱的、大自然的傑作。 露西亞從醫學院畢業後，開了一間私人診所，我只是在門外張望了一陣，並沒有進去拜訪。彼此都是人間過客，知道她們生活有了改善，我放心了。 音樂院人事已非，威德曼退休了，瑞納多去巴西里亞教課了。昔日的樂友們早已物換星移，看到的都是一個一個的新面孔。福利社的老黑人倒還認識我，他說： 中國人，這幾天你怎麼沒來光顧？ 意料中的是，艾洛伊莎嫁了，想不到的是，竟然嫁給她的鋼琴教授。我的心情蒼老了許多，把過去埋葬吧。曲終夢迴，撫今追昔，真令人有著說不出的感慨。 振作起精神，我每天抱著畫具，走到海邊。但回來時，畫面始終是一片空白，心中更堆滿了迷惑、彷徨與懷疑。 一九七一年就在自作自受的痛苦中掙扎逝去，我求生的本能還堅持著，一天混過一天，不折不扣地一具行屍走肉！以往的理想與抱負，難道這樣輕易地就無影無蹤了？ 令我不能釋懷的是對不起那些朋友，是我害他們把錢拿出來，害他們血本無歸。如果我能原諒自己，那麼天下人的過失，又有什麼不能原諒的？我既然錯了，就應該自食惡果！不能讓時間沖淡它，更不能讓良知放過自己！人生本是一場惡夢，既然不能死，活著再說吧！ 二月中旬是巴西的狂歡節，對巴西人說來，這是他們天天期待的、一年之中最興奮的日子。記得在那段埋首音樂、無憂無慮的學校生活中，每逢狂歡節到來，我也曾盡情地投入。如今我只是個殘存的行屍，青春消逝了，理想破滅了，希望不再了，也不知道自己為什麼依然苟且偷生。 在狂歡節期間，巴西人紛紛擁向街頭，一個個隨著森巴樂隊，不住地唱著跳著。累了，不論男女，隨地一倒。觸目所及處處是人，歡樂的聲浪洋溢在每個角落。 餐館的生意也很忙碌，來吃飯的不多，都只是喝些飲料、趁便休息的客人。 一個下午，店中擠滿了人，汗酸夾雜著狐騷味，悶得我透不過氣來。我溜了出去，在人堆中找到一個安靜的地方，那裡已經坐滿了形形色色的男男女女。有的化了裝，有的索性脫了上衣，橫七豎八的躺在地上。 在一棵樹下，有幾個嬉皮靜靜地盤坐在那裡。他們像是遙遠的族類，抽著煙，呆滯而茫然地凝望著那些聲嘶力竭的人們以及不停蠕動的肢體。 其中有兩位我曾在餐館見過，男的名叫尼奧，是義大利人。女的是琉球出生的日本人秀子，他們都是從阿根廷專程來此，想見識一下本地狂歡節的風光。 見到我，他們邀我坐下。 尼奧打扮成妖嬈的女人，以濃重的西班牙口音的葡萄牙語對我說：你覺得我美嗎？ 不，我覺得噁心。 化裝只是為了增加情趣，不要認真。 我不想多說，沒有理他。秀子沒有化裝，卻穿著比基尼泳衣，她問我：你不喜歡化裝？ 我不習慣這種偽裝。 你生了病不吃藥嗎？尼奧問我。 當然要。 化裝是為了調節生活上的枯燥病。 可是我沒有這種病。我有的是生活絕望症，而不是枯燥。 不錯，你們東方人平常就很重視精神的調劑。尼奧很感慨地說：中國人很了不起，是用思想的民族。不像巴西人，他們沒有深厚的文化，沒有可資寄托的傳統，所以必須藉著這種原始的形式，以擺脫現代文明的桎梏。 想不到他能說出這種話來，我反問道：你認為現代文明是種桎梏，為什麼中國文化又不是呢？ 所謂的現代文明，只是貨品與金錢累進的循環，機器大量生產貨物，貨物刺激人們消費，消費又驅使著人再去生產。人類只是這種循環過程中的勞動力，說穿了，是推動這個系統的奴隸。如果人類覺醒了，返身追求自己存在的價值，就會發現這些貨物實在毫無必要。這樣一來，整個系統就會崩潰，所以我說現代文明是一種人性的桎梏。但是你們的文化不一樣，你們所追求的本來就是人與大自然間的和諧關係。 那只是古老的中國，現在的中國已經變了。 他說的不錯，我很有同感，可是人自願套上桎梏，又有什麼辦法？ why?西方已經走到了盡頭，你們為什麼還要步我們的後塵呢？ who knows?地球是圓的，一直走下去，總有一天會碰頭的。 晚上，餐館的生意更好，一直忙到午夜，客人才漸漸散去。我正想休息一會兒，好準備打烊。誰知門開了，又進來一對客人。 我認識那位大鬍子東尼，尼奧與秀子就是他帶來的。他是店中的常客，每次來都有不同的漂亮女伴陪著，這次也不例外。那位女郎立刻引起了我的注意，她有著脫俗的神采，清俏的面龐，配上短短的褐髮，一件運動衫，一條短褲，腳上踩著一雙拖鞋。 東尼點了菜，用英文向我介紹他的女伴。 這是我的未婚妻，凱洛琳。 我問了好，她微微笑笑，沒有開口。 東尼又指著我對她說：他是中國人，去過美國，妳可以跟他說英語。 我不能不服氣，東尼雖然其貌不揚，卻能說會道，滿口流暢的英語，自不難獲得這位美國女郎的歡心。她看來很年輕，眉宇之間有著一種獨特的甜美，也有著自然無邪的純真。相比之下，東尼這個花花公子，一身奇特的衣著，身材矮小，腦袋微禿，連腮的大鬍子亂蓬蓬的佔了半個面龐，她怎麼會是他的未婚妻呢？ 飯畢，我送上茶，見凱洛琳低著頭，東尼把她的手按在桌上，好似在溫言相勸。等我走近時，凱洛琳忙把手抽回，頭則扭向一邊。在燈光的照映下，我瞥見她睫毛上閃著晶瑩的淚珠，泫然欲滴。東尼倒是落落大方，順勢用手指敲著桌面，對我笑笑。 他們走時，東尼伸手去摟她的纖腰，她很技巧的閃開，直接走出門口。我的妒念加上懷疑，想到平日對東尼的瞭解，更難免對眼前的景像多了一分印象。 日夜不休的幾天下來，狂歡節到了尾聲。人人都筋疲力竭，興奮變成了掙扎，快樂只是掛在臉上的裝飾。地上躺著的人，比用兩腳移動的還多。可是，彷彿大旱之將至，人人都拼著本能、想要喝光這已經見底的歡樂之泉。 我想到尼奧與東尼相識，出於好奇，便打算找尼奧聊聊。結果尼奧沒有找到，卻在嬉皮口中，得到了一條周遊世界的明路。 這些嬉皮身上不名分文，卻終年四出遊蕩。運氣好時，可以搭便車打零工，睡車房、馬廄。他們多半時間徒步而行，飽一餐餓一餐，草根野果，什麼都吃。入夜，用毯子把身體一包，以天為帳，以草為蓆，露宿一宵。 這些我自信都能甘之如飴，但卻有簽証的困擾，無法隨意所之。嬉皮聽了，教我一個方法，去參加聖本托修道院的修練。結訓後可以持用他們的証件，住他們的招待所，旅行世界。 如果我早年生長在中國大陸，說不定如今也已經出家做了和尚，雲遊五嶽八荒、天池雪海去了。這樣說來，聖本托教會也有著與佛教一樣的規矩，可以自在地漫游。至於天主教，我早已不再排斥，只要能得到解脫，信奉真理原是我夢寐以求的，什麼教有什麼分別？ 又燃起了一絲對人生的期望，我振作起精神，回到餐館，愉快地做完晚班。正打算結帳，突然眼前一亮，凱洛琳出現在門口。她帶著甜美的笑容，像陣春風，我沉寂已久的心池立刻吹起片片漣漪。 東尼、尼奧、秀子尾隨著她走進來，我忙過去招呼，一切侍候得妥妥當當。上菜完畢，東尼對我說：坐下來，陪我們聊聊。 不行，我還要招呼客人。 還有什麼客人？他指著空蕩蕩的桌椅，笑說：難道你還要侍候它們？ 我正想向他們探聽聖本托教會的事，便老實不客氣的坐下。趁他們在吃飯時，我詳細地說明了前因，並問是否真有此事。 尼奧一直注意的聽，等我說完，他問道：你是想去修道，還是想去旅行？ 都想，最主要的是想擺脫過去，尋找未來。 東尼也放下了筷子，插口問道：你對宗教有什麼看法？ 到目前為止，我還是個無神論者，我絕對相信宇宙中有個至上的、超然的力量，但卻不能同意一般宗教的看法。 東尼興奮地搓著雙手，用英語對凱洛琳說：妳看，我說得不錯吧？連中國人都這樣想。他又回過頭來，對我說：你知道我們在做什麼嗎？ have no idea. 我們在追求人生的真理。 What?我不大相信，尤其是從這位花花公子口中出來的話。 我們幾個人在一起，研究宇宙的真相。尼奧解釋說。 What are you studying?這些人是在諷刺我吧！可是他們不認識我呀！ 你是中國人，應該知道寒山與拾得吧？這句話其實是猜了半天才聽懂的，因為他們把寒山、拾得四個音，拚得非常怪異。後來尼奧乾脆拿出一本小冊子，上面寫了這兩個人的中文名字，我才驀然想起。 這兩人據傳是江蘇寒山寺的和尚，很有文才，道行高深，經常遊戲人間，行為驚世駭俗。最初人們對他們很不諒解，後來有另一位僧人豐干，向信眾宣稱，兩位竟是文殊與普賢菩薩轉世。 寒山與拾得知道了，說聲：豐干饒舌！隨即飄然而去，不知所終。 可是他們研究寒山與拾得，又與宇宙真相有什麼關係呢？ 我們是寒山與拾得的追隨者，你是中國人，一定對中國文化有研究。尼奧見到我的神情，特別加以解釋。 你們怎麼研究呢？我還是不懂。 你要是真有興趣，等一下到我們那裡去看看就知道了。尼奧很誠懇地說。 多年後我才知道，嬉皮以反對社會現況為訴求。有一位美國學者很推崇寒山與拾得的風格，認為他們是社會反叛者的先驅。因此，嬉皮就把他們兩人奉為鼻祖。 他們吃完已是十二點多，打了烊，我隨著他們，走到上城與下城交界的斜坡旁、一棟約有百年歷史的樓房前。那樓房年久失修，磚土殘破不堪，左右雙拼，各有三層。在夜色中陰陰森森的，看上去有如鬼域。 大家魚貫上樓，我走在最後，凱洛琳在我之前，她一再提醒我要小心。黑暗裡只感覺到那樓梯角度奇陡，且木板都已腐朽，踏上去搖搖欲墮，令人走來不禁捏把冷汗。 到了三樓，東尼燃起蠟燭，打開門，進入左側房間。一進門就是一條走道，牆壁上畫的竟是一個太極圖，陰陽兩面各以一個箭頭分別指向前後方。其中陰指向後，有個葡文愛字；陽向前，則是工作。 凱洛琳和秀子走到黑暗的後間去了，東尼則把我帶到前間。在微弱的燭光下，牆上畫著不少圖案，其中有八卦、卍形、猶太的六角形標誌、基督教的十字架，以及許多我不認得的符號。正當中寫的是個斗大的葡文靜字，不論圖、文，畫得很見功力。 東尼壓低聲音，對我說：這裡是我們的聖壇，一般人不許進來，你是例外。 房中沒有任何家具，牆邊堆著不少書籍，正中央有一個典雅的小香案，上面放了兩個碗，一個空著，一個裝滿清水。 待我看完，他們又帶我到後面的娛樂間。凱洛琳和秀子圍著一支蠟燭，正坐在一張大地毯的中央。靠牆還有兩個嬉皮，正垂目打坐。房間不大，環堵蕭然，什麼都沒有。 屋頂沒有天花板，屋瓦也年久失修。這時月亮當頭，月光點點滴滴的，漏了一地。 我們就地坐下，幢幢人影在四壁上游移晃動，連東尼的聲音也顯得神秘起來。 我們這裡有很多特別的規定，要請你原諒，白天是我們神修的時間，只有日落以後才能會客，歡迎你常來玩。 接著，秀子在她身旁取出一些畫來。她的畫都是超現實派的風格，尤其在燭光和月光交錯之下，用色和線條都顯得非常的怪異。而且主題總脫不開獸頭和人的軀體，我完全看不出有什麼特殊的意境。 我順口敷衍了一回，便問道：由妳的畫風看來，壁上的畫該是另外一個人畫的了。 是我畫的。東尼說。 想不到他們都是些藝術家，我又問：你們的畫賣嗎？ 尼奧的手工下次再給你看，我們就靠這些維生。東尼說。 我本來還想多問一些，但見凱洛琳靜靜地坐在一旁，已經打了兩個呵欠。我知道時間太晚，只好告辭，約好過兩天再來。 我一向對嬉皮有些誤解，認為他們都是些好吃懶做，或是逃家出走的年輕人，但這次所得到的印象卻與以往大不相同。尼奧很深沉，但是言必有物；東尼很有才氣，又有語言天分；連秀子的畫都有一手，只是不知凱洛琳會什麼？這些人說來都不是泛泛之輩，我倒不能不相信他們真的是在追求人生真理了。