Chapter 19 nineteen

Separation is ordained.Nothing can change this fate.She could not leave Tomsk or Russia.I also couldn't stay in Tomsk or Russia any longer.Before this fate, human power seemed pitifully fragile. I lay on the bed, trembling all over. My body is asleep, my mind is awake. Several times, I wanted to run to Aurelia immediately and tell her the truth.The thought was so strong that I wanted to rush out almost immediately.However, I immediately restrain myself.It's not that I didn't dare to see her, but I didn't have the courage to destroy her dream.Goodness, this morning, we were still talking silly things by the pillows in the guest house: She smiled and asked me: Love, if we have a child, what should we name him?I smiled and said: If it is a man, it will be called Tomsk.If it's a girl, let's call it Aurelie, okay?She smiled and asked: Do you want to be a man or a woman?I said: I would like to be a girl.If it's a girl, she must be as beautiful as you.In this way, I have two Aurelias by my side: one big and one small.She said: As long as you want, I will bring you two Aurelia, three Aurelia, or even four Aurelia, okay?I said: good!good!The more the merrier.I wish all the nineteen million people in the world would become Aurelia!She laughed out loud and fell into my arms, laughing with tears.

God is sorry, she must still be reviewing these good dreams at this moment.In her heart, full of roses and fantasy, spring and sunshine.This heart is as pure and soft as a lamb, how can I bear to pierce it immediately with the spear?I can't bear to cut it piece by piece with a knife. Let her have another good dream tonight! I thought again: It's better not to tell her the news and go away quietly, that's fine. But I quickly condemned myself: it was just selfish to hide her.Even if I couldn't witness her pain, the torment I imagined her pain would give me must be more terrible.Two people are together, although it is more likely to cause pain, but after all, they can be shared together.If she were alone, this sudden stimulation and tremendous pain would drive her crazy.

I finally decided: to see her tomorrow afternoon. At noon and night that day, I didn't eat a single thing, nor did I drink any water. I couldn't close my eyes all night and kept crying.An indescribable fire burns me, I feel my nerves bursting little by little, When it was almost dawn, my mind was as tired as a pile of mud, and I finally fell asleep for an hour.This is actually not sleep, but a continuation of neurotic nightmares, and I wake up from time to time for no reason. The next day, I only drank a little water and still didn't eat anything.It was very strange, my stomach seemed to be full, like a ball full of air, and I couldn't squeeze any more things into it.

At around four o'clock in the afternoon, I made up my mind to see her. Oh, my friend, how can I describe to you how I got to Aurelia? I myself did not seem to be walking, but was propelled forward by a very small and very mysterious force.My demeanor at this moment is completely that of a sleepwalker; my mood is also purely that of a sleepwalker.This, others may not see it, but I know it clearly. I arrived at Aurelia's place in a half-dream and half-awake state. The door was not closed, but I pushed it open, but her mother was not there.Upstairs there was the sound of the guitar, and she was playing a lively waltz: it seemed as if thousands of larks were flying and singing.

Hearing this piece of happy music, my tears flowed down like a spring. But as I went up the stairs, I suddenly had a resolution: I must be calm, I must be awake, not for myself but for Aurelia; otherwise she would be destroyed. I wiped away my tears and cheered up immediately, and I was much more sober and firm. As soon as I walked upstairs, the guitar sound was gone.Aurelia flew over like a butterfly, threw herself into my arms, hugged me tightly, and kissed me passionately.She pressed close to my face, smiled and said: I was thinking foolishly for a day today, if we have a girl, the name O'Reilly is still not good.I thought of a good name, and guess what?

Unexpectedly, I was a little choked up and couldn't speak. Silly boy, why can't you guess?It's your own name!Forest!Yes, I must call her Lin! !This way: she symbolizes our union!Are you okay? After finishing speaking, she smiled and kissed me again. Just after kissing her, she suddenly said in a daze: Ah, why are your lips so cold? She suddenly relaxed me, stood in front of me, stared wide-eyed, looked at me in detail, and was taken aback. Ah, why is your face so pale?you lost weight!You were fine yesterday, why did you lose weight one day?are you uncomfortable? I shook my head, I couldn't speak, I wanted to restrain myself as much as possible, but I couldn't.A crystal clear teardrop flowed down her cheek, and then slowly dripped down to the ground.God knows, it took all my strength to hold back, but I finally gave it away.

She hugged me, hugged me into her arms, pressed her hot face to my cold face, like a sister treating a little brother, and comforted me with the most gentle voice: Love, have you been wronged?Do you feel sad about anything?tell me!Tell Aurelia who loves you the most!As long as she can do her best for you, she will do her best, even her life!She is your mother and also your wife, shouldn't you tell your wife everything in your heart?Oh, tell me!tell me! As she spoke, she gently stroked my shoulder. I couldn't speak, I could only let the tears flow down drop by drop.My previous decision was completely reversed, and I couldn't control myself anymore.

She kept touching me, asking me questions, and seeing that I didn't answer, she couldn't help being anxious.She said angrily: Lin, if you don't say anything, I'm really angry! Then, she regretted being angry again, hugged me tightly, and apologized to me in the most gentle voice: Love, forgive me, I was in a hurry to say such unreasonable words to you, forgive me, don't blame me!O love!What happened to you?Why do you only cry and not speak?You are like this, what do you want me to say?Oh dear, my dear, I beg you, tell me!tell me! As she spoke, she also burst into tears.

The flash flood finally broke out, and I couldn't restrain myself anymore, so I burst into tears. Seeing me like this, she stopped talking.She helped me to a chair and sat down, and stood aside blankly, looking at me, and then lowered her head in thought.A new revelation slowly crept into her mind like a snake.Like a knight who finds herself on the edge of a precipice, suddenly an unexpected abyss opens before her. She looked at me, thinking; thinking; looking; looking, looking, suddenly as if she had discovered a big secret, she laughed wildly: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, I see!

This laughter is terrible and frightening, just like the sad laugh of the legendary ghost in the middle of the night.Hearing it, it is almost impossible for a person not to go berserk. In this way, her wild laughter and my bitter cry are in harmony, It was strange to hear her laugh, and gradually, my crying stopped. I stood up quietly, hugged her to my side, and begged: Oh, you probably understand by now.I beg you: stop laughing!You broke my heart. She turned around, no longer smiling, and her face was full of tears.There was a strange brilliance in her eyes, such a brilliance as I had never seen in them.It was a radiance of hatred, but also a radiance of anger. She didn't cry aloud, but let the tears flow quietly on her face.She suppressed and said softly:

I promise you!I stopped laughing. She clenched her fist suddenly and waved it fiercely in the air. Like a lioness, she said fiercely in a majestic and sharp voice: Let it come!It's hell, it's refining fire, it's thunder, it's big storm, it's devil, it's scourge, come on!Come and destroy me!Tear me into pieces, grind me into waves of dust, turn around with the wind!Split me into thousands of pieces, crush me into powder, and roll with the waves, right? My heart has already shed the last drop of blood anyway!There is nothing more terrifying! I covered her red mouth with kisses, not letting her speak any further. She pondered for a while, with tears still glistening on her face, she asked me gently but a little dejectedly: Just leave Tomsk?So fast? In four days, we will transfer from Moscow to Poland, Germany, Switzerland, and return to Italy by boat.I purposely spoke for an extra day. Oh, through Poland!She said the word Poland several times softly, as if she were saying her mother's name. She suddenly laughed silly again, while smiling, she touched me and said: Silly boy, why are you sad?Don't you have four more days?There are ninety-six hours in four days!If we count every hour as a year, wouldn't there be ninety-six years, wouldn't it be enough for us to enjoy ourselves?Come on, there are still sixty minutes per hour, three thousand six hundred seconds! Her hands wrapped around me again, but they were trembling badly and, like mine, were cold. The setting sun softly came in from the window, the brilliance was very red, and the red was very sad.No more dove bells can be heard in the sky.The swallow's wing shadow has disappeared.A few rooks croaked among the branches.The spring evening is gentle and charming, but the cold spring is particularly stinging, which seems to give people a mysterious warning. For the next three days, even I myself don't know how it passed.They fly so fast, terribly fast, like three seconds.If a person's whole life goes by so quickly, then everything is very simple: a hundred years is like a day, with neither joy nor pain. For three days, we all stayed in a hotel room.This is the largest and most beautiful room in Tomsk Global Hostel.I sold my watch, fountain pen, pistol, and made an advance to the accountant.I'm about to splurge one last time. Aurelia took four days of sick leave from school for me and decided to dedicate the entire four days to me.Her sick leave was easily granted.At this time, her face was already showing a sickness, and her heart was deeply sick. During these three days she seemed intent on giving me all the remaining enthusiasm in her life, leaving nothing for herself.Over the past few months, she had spent an enormous amount of enthusiasm on me.But she doesn't think it's enough.In these three or four days, she will spend all the remaining decades of enthusiasm in her life in one go, and consume them to me with the skin and bones. She used this barbaric way to consume her enthusiasm, and she has already exhausted her enthusiasm. Not a lover's style, but a gambler's way.She was like the craziest gambler, in an instant, she poured out all the money in her pockets and made a desperate move.However, her gambling methods are not always excited and clamorous, like ordinary gamblers who shout and drink loudly.At first, she was as crazy as a hungry animal, and then her gambling became quiet and peaceful. It can be said that she really knows how to gamble. The first day was the craziest, most exciting, and most painful.A passion as hot as ours is no longer the passion of the world, but the passion of hell, the passion of the devil, and the most tragic passion is too miserable to bear to remember.On this day, we didn't eat anything, and the two of us just hugged each other and cried.We cried and talked at the same time.I don't know where there are so many tears!I don't know where there are so many words!I don't know where there is so much excitement, so much emotion!If a person keeps crying, talking, excited, and emotional like this, within five days, he will burn himself to death, just like the erupting Congo volcano burns his body into scorched earth. She rolled, trembled, and babbled in my arms, like she had a fever.She seemed to spurt tears, blood, and viscera from her words, turning me into a man of blood and tears! Here, Lin, hug me!Hug me tight!Be tight, tight!Tight!I am cold!I am cold!I am very cold!I am so cold!Use your body to warm me up!Warm me up with your heart!Warm me with your tears!Well, you are my fire!my fire!My fire!To be away from you is to be away from the fire, I am cold! Ah, Lin, I'm out of breath, your arms are out of breath!Work hard!Work hard!How I wish I could die!Let your arms and body be my tomb! O Lin, in your arms, in your flame, I am melting like a candle, melting! , let me melt!Melt it!Melt into a tear! Ah Lin, you're leaving!You go, take a train, take a boat, cross the Mediterranean Sea, cross the river and sea, ah, the Red Sea!How hot it is!Passing there, will you still remember the heat on my body? Ah, Lin, why don't you speak?I'm afraid, I'm afraid of silence!I'm afraid!Say, love, just say one word, just one word, say the hottest and hottest word, a word like a fire, so that you can burn me alive!Let me have a cremation in the flames of your passion! Ah, Lin, kiss me!love me Please!Pain me!Pet me!Miss me!Embrace me!kiss me!kill me!eat me!drink me!Hit me!scold me!Cut me to pieces!Squeeze me into powder!all good!All sweet!All beautiful!As long as you add it to me, even if you tell me to drink poison, it's fine!All sweet!All beautiful! O Lin, kiss me one more time!Kiss me one more time!I want to prepare a bunch of super high kisses in memory.After you leave, I will review, chew and recollect slowly! Ah Lin, love me!Enjoy me!Just play with me!Play me enough!Make fun of me like a whore, have fun!Do not disappoint my fire, my heat, my beauty, my flesh! O Lin, put your lips over my eyes!Like pouring wine into a wine glass, let all my tears pour into your wine glass, you have to drink it down, drink it down, don't leave a drop!This is the wine of life, with sourness, sweetness, bitterness, pungentness, and saltiness.You have to slowly taste my thoughts, my dreams, and my feelings from this wine! Ah, Lin, you are gone, I still have to go to the gate of the shelter every day.I want to linger and linger there, from morning to dusk, from dusk to moonrise, from moonrise to moonset, from dawn to dawn!At that time, your body may be in the fields of Poland, or in the jungle by the Danube, or by a mountain lake in Switzerland, or in the blue sky of Italy, or in the Mediterranean, or in China. Wander around the shelter and shed tears? Ah, Lin, give me a gale!Give me thunder!Give me lightning!Give me waterfalls!Give me volcanoes!Let the wind kill me!Let Tianlei kill me!Let the lightning strike me!Let the volcano burn me!Let me become a pile of ashes, a gust of wind, a mass of air, always follow you, accompany you! Ah, Lin, my love, pity that I will stay in Tomsk alone in the future, and I will live like a ghost.If it is dusk, moonlit night, how can I bear it, how dare I open my eyes to see the world? When she said these words, I can only use four words to sum up the situation at that time: horrible! Among insects, there is a kind that eats its own body to satisfy its hunger.We are now such insects that, in eating ourselves, while feeling physical pain, satisfy our hunger. At this time, she was hot all over, her face was as red as a ball of fire, and her eyes were like two suns about to set.Her facial expression was like a piece of charcoal that was burnt red and shiny all over, it was extremely hot and scorching!I hold her!It seems that there is a fire in my arms, and I only have one feeling: it is terribly hot!From myself, I seem to smell a burnt breath. Some people advocate loving fame, loving money, or loving yourself, but never loving others.This actually has some truth to it.If you want to love someone completely, it is really terrible.Worse than purgatory!If it is love to the extreme, it is not only not beautiful, but also extremely ugly.Truth is ugly and frightening; true love is also ugly and frightening; at this moment, I fully understand. I promised her: to sip her tears dry with my lips, like brandy.But where to sip dry?Before the old one was finished, the new one poured out again, and her eyes were like inexhaustible fountains of wine.I sipped and drank, not knowing whether I was drinking her tears or my own. At night, we couldn't sleep.Although her passion calmed down a little, her face looked a bit vicious and rough.Her grief seemed to turn to hatred.Several times, with disheveled hair, she sat up from the bed, looked at me fiercely and said: I hate you!hate you!hate you!hate you!I want to peel your skin and eat your flesh! While talking, she hit my face with her palm, tore my hair with her fingers, and bit my lip with her teeth.My lip was bitten, and drops of blood trickled down slowly. I didn't open my mouth and endured it, but looked at her with the gentlest and kindest eyes. She saw my eyes, saw the blood on my mouth, hugged me and cried, and immediately begged my forgiveness, saying it more than a hundred times. The next day, she was quieter and less talkative.She just kept crying and laughing.She cries and laughs; laughs and cries; pure hysteria.The color of the flames on her face had turned pale, and the light in her eyes was extremely dark. At noon, we managed to eat something.Or I forced her desperately, she only ate a little.I haven't eaten formally for two and a half days, and I feel that I can't support it physically. Starting today, I started to have some breakfast. After the meal, I went back to the shelter to take care of my private affairs.At six o'clock tomorrow night, we will take the express train to Moscow, and I have to discuss a few necessary matters with my colleagues. Two hours later, I was back at the hotel and she was writing. Seeing me coming, she stopped writing, and suddenly handed me a piece of paper. I took it and read it again. This is an unfinished poem.After reading it, I couldn't stop crying. This poem has only the following three lines: You are willing to give Aurelia who loves you, Lost in this arctic snow where white bears dance, Walking alone to the southern country full of lemon blossoms? While weeping, I had a very strange desire: I want to sing!Yes, I must sing something, I must shout a few times, otherwise, I cannot live.So, I started to sing one of the most popular Korean folk songs called "Farewell Song", using her unfinished poem as the lyrics.This was the first time I sang in front of her and the last time. This is the song I sang at Luoyan Peak on New Year's Eve! After singing the first time, when I was about to sing the second time, my throat choked.I can't sing any more. This night, she seemed so tired that she couldn't help falling asleep.But I couldn't sleep all night. I opened my eyes and stared at her beautiful, thin and pale face.In the past two days, no matter how great it has changed, not only am I still so familiar with it, but I have also penetrated straight through its skin layer and penetrated into a terrifyingly deep core.But I know: this is my last night with her.After this night, a high wall will rise between us, dividing us into two worlds forever.I looked at her obsessively, but there was no tear, and my tears seemed to have dried up. Although she fell asleep, she woke up from time to time with a start. When she woke up, she hugged me tightly hysterically and shouted: O love, why does the evening wind blow so miserably? Ah, love, why do the nocturnal birds sound so sad? O love, love, look at me!Why don't you look at me? I had no choice but to hug her tightly and hypnotize her with kisses. At dawn, I couldn't bear it any longer, and finally fell into a drowsy sleep. When I woke up, the sun filled the room.Look at the watch, it's almost noon.I was startled and was about to sit up when she came to the bed: Lin, go back to sleep.still early.You are so tired!Listen to me, be good.Lie down a little longer. Like a mother to a child, she pushed down my newly lifted body. Her expression was so quiet that I couldn't help being surprised again.Looking at the table over there, she seemed to have written something, so I felt relieved.I only wish she would write more; that way, perhaps, she might be able to divert her feelings away. Soon after I got up, I saw three of her poems. The handwriting was very sloppy, which proved that her state of mind was still not very peaceful.They are untitled and read as follows: one of By the fires of hell, In the night heart of the desert, It is not the silence that is terrible, but sound. If I suffer the punishment of being cut to pieces, When pieces of my flesh and blood fell to the ground, I curse the voice, Far more than the sword bearer. drink my blood! eat my meat! I implore you: be quiet! second Duncan's two beloved children died suddenly, Many of her friends wept. Duncan wept neither, nor sad, with calm eyes, Comfort them in their confusion. Tonight, I dreamed that I sank to the bottom of the ocean. I suddenly understood Duncan's gaze. third A frozen body lies in the snowstorm, When a child passes by, He wept loudly. A frozen body lies in the snowstorm, When a young man passes by, He wept quietly. A frozen body lies in the snowstorm, When a middle-aged man passes by, He frowned. A frozen body lies in the snowstorm, When a man of about fifty passed by, he smiles. A frozen body lies in the snowstorm, When a man with white beard and white hair passed by, He walked by without looking. After reading these three poems, I sighed lightly and didn't say anything.What can I say? Strange to say, she was calm that day.She did not say a word and remained silent.She didn't cry, she didn't laugh, she didn't hug me, she didn't kiss me.She seemed a little cold to me.But she is not completely cold.From time to time, she gently stroked my hair and my shoulders with her hands.Finally, she took my hat in her hand and stroked and stroked it over and over again, as if her whole life rested on it. At first, when I forced her to kiss her, there was always a wry smile on her lips.She neither approached enthusiastically nor refused coldly, she just listened to me, like a robot.After the long kiss, she didn't say a word, but stared at me stupidly for a long time before she let out a long sigh. Finally, when I forced a long kiss on her, she didn't even sigh.She just stared at me blankly, as if she didn't know me.Looking, looking, she finally seemed to recognize me again, and a wry smile appeared on her lips. At this time, her face was extremely pale, like a withered white rose.Her eyes were extremely gloomy, paved like a great forest of shadows.There was a strangely bleak beauty, a dark sweetness in her face.Her expression had never shown such tenderness.It only appears on the faces of Indians after a month of hunger strike.It is a kind of gentleness that makes people want to crawl down and pray! She fell into a deep thought. Her posture reminds me of a sleeping volcano, where lava is still flowing beneath the ground, but not visible on the surface.One of the craziest emotions merged into peace, like a calm sea with a great undercurrent brewing. What can I say about her situation?What can I say?Now that the last hour is near. I could only write down two correspondence addresses for her: one was the Chinese Consulate in Genoa, Italy, and the other was the secret communication office of the Korean Provisional Government in the French Concession in Shanghai. She sent me an enlarged photo.Behind it, the following line was inscribed in trembling handwriting: She once delivered everything she had for you! Ten minutes to four o'clock, I told her: go back to do something temporarily, and come back to have dinner with her at six o'clock. I hugged her as hard as I could, kissed her long, face to face, and gave her bloodshot blue eyes one last long look, a look that was trembling and loving.Like a white whale sucking sea water, I seem to want to suck her whole image like a whale into my blood.I felt her trembling all over. Three minutes later, there was only a sound of footsteps on the stairs. It was six o'clock in the evening, and we had been taken by train fifty miles to Tomsk.Our car is heading for Moscow. At this time, instead of myself, a short note should be sent to this Polish girl. It only has the following sentences: Favorite favorite O: I'm leaving and I won't come back!I only say six out of ten thousand words: I love you forever!I will definitely write to you!Please thank your mother for me!Please take care of yourself for me!My heart belongs to you forever!Eternity only belongs to you! your eternal lover lin That night, looking at the dark field outside the car window, I cried all night.