Chapter 20 twenty

Four weeks later, when roses and roses were in full bloom, we, a group of Northeast military officers, took a train from Germany to Italy via Switzerland: the end point was Genoa, Haikou.In the Gulf of Genoa, ships will take us back to the East. At noon on the day of sailing, the local consulate sent me a letter: the letter cover was white, the handwriting was beautiful, and the weight of the letter was very heavy. In fact, I don't need to look at the letter to know whose letter it is. At this time, we were busy getting on the ship, and I tremblingly put this letter in my pocket.I am confused.I dare not take it apart now.I have to calm myself down.

I pretended to be very busy and followed everyone to move things onto the boat.I worked really hard, helping almost everyone with their luggage.I try my best to find trivial things to do, and I dare not let myself be idle, let alone think. Finally, everyone boarded the boat, and the boat sailed at three o'clock in the afternoon. On the boat, I chatted like hell with everyone, I have never talked so much nonsense to anyone.I spent a lot of time talking, listening to music, and dancing with some French girls, and I was a little exhausted.I almost forgot that there was a very important letter in my pocket.

But I finally didn't forget it. Late at night.It was nearly twelve o'clock.The ship sailed leisurely in the Ligurian Sea.The sea is quiet.It was a night with a full moon, and a full crescent moon quietly rose into the mid-heaven. It was gorgeous and solemn, like a silver queen slowly ascending to a silver throne.The sky is extremely pure, like a piece of light blue porcelain newly out of the kiln, stretching round and round into the infinite, scattered with some bright spots, which are stars.In the crazy white moonlight and blue skylight, the whole atmosphere is intoxicated and fermented, lighter and sweeter than freshly baked bread.The milky white moonlight shone on the sea, as if there were countless small lightnings beating.The sea is very gentle and peaceful, it seems to have fallen asleep, sleeping like a girl.At this time, all the passengers were asleep, and I was the only one standing on the deck.

The moonlit night in May on the Ligulian Sea is really not a night, but a kind of youth, a kind of fantasy, a kind of enjoyment, and a kind of temptation.It is the night of God and the night of the devil, and the white night is so beautiful that it groans, Leaning against the railing, I took the white letter out of my pocket. Then I remembered that in Berlin, in Geneva, and in Italy, I had sent her several letters, which were unexpectedly short.I can't write it down.Every time I just pick up my pen, I cry and can't write any more.If she sees the handwriting blurred by tears, she will fully understand my situation at that time.The hasty words in the letter probably didn't make sense at the beginning and the end, showing my crazy mood.As soon as I realized that I was having a formal conversation with her, I couldn't help but go crazy when I thought of her.God knows what inner life I've been living these four weeks?

Now, before opening the letter, I took a deep breath, sucking a great sea breeze into my lungs. I opened the letter solemnly and slowly, very slowly, as if I was not opening a letter, but a person's body. Out of my accident, besides a piece of white letter paper, there was also a gray letter inside the letter.I opened the letter paper and saw: it was a letter from Aurelia's mother.The letter is as follows: Dear Mr. Lin: This is a most unfortunate thing: my girl Aurelia committed suicide at midnight yesterday.In her suicide note, she only ordered one thing: to forward this gray letter to you.Now, following her last words, I send it to you, hoping that it will reach you safely.

You know, sir, that all my happiness in my later years rests on her.You can imagine what a fatal blow this misfortune was to me.Had you been here, I believe this unfortunate event would not have happened.But I don't blame you, everything is arranged by God.I can only pray that she is safe in the kingdom of heaven, and even more that God blesses her.My heart is now in such a mess that I can't write anything more.please forgive! After reading the letter, I was shaking all over.I seem to see this old woman who believes in Catholicism is kneeling on the ground and praying for the blessing of God

I took a deep breath and immediately picked up the gray letter.My name was on the letter, and the handwriting was trembling, as if suffering from falciparum malaria.I passionately kissed the most familiar handwriting, and hastily tore open the letter. The first thing that jumped into my eyes was a bunch of white hairs, about forty or fifty.I was stunned.I hold it tightly in my hand.Then, I read the letter quickly.But there was no letter in it, just a large gray piece of paper, the size of a folio newspaper.I opened it up and there was nothing on it, all just a big cloudy gray.I didn't believe it was just a blank piece of paper, so I moved my eyes closer to it, and gradually found some handwriting, but it was very blurry.The light blue moonlight cannot illuminate the black characters on the gray paper.So I ran to a lamp, under the bright electric light, I finally saw clearly, the paper was full of horizontal lines and vertical lines, only a black Russian word was written: it is: darkness!Trembling and scrawling, these dark writings hovered like sick snakes on the gray paper, expressing a terrible commotion, a frightful madness.One would imagine that these words came from the mouth of a dying mad beast.I searched all over the paper, hoping to find other words or sentences besides the word "darkness", but there was nothing.There are only these two words written all over the paper!If you want to count, the darkness written on this gray paper is at least two or three thousand.But I don't believe that there are no other words on the paper except the word "Darkness".I patiently searched among these messy handwriting, and finally, I found it in a small corner.In a small corner surrounded by dense darkness, there are the following lines:

Don't ask me why I do this!Don't ask me why I say this!Don't ask me why I'm so miserable!Don't ask me why I suffer so much!Don't ask me why I ended up like this!Do not ask me why Life is just a fire, when the fire burns out, what remains is of course darkness!However, my fire is not finished, I still have thousands of fires to burn.pitiful!An irresistible force has ordered me to stop burning!I can only create eternal darkness for myself with my own hands! Man, look!Here are forty-seven gray hairs.In the ten days after you left, they bloomed on my head like a pattern.You want to taste their whiteness, the deepest and deepest taste!

O my dear husband!my God!I've delivered everything to you except this wreck.Its existence is the only flaw in my love for you.Now, I must kill this defect, kill this wreck, let every drop of my blood, every inch of my bone, every cell become your blood, your bone, your cell!Let my name live forever in yours! Now, it's midnight, ah!The night is terrible!It's too dark!So deep!ah!my husband!my husband!my husband!Where are you?Where are you?Where are you?I'm afraid!I am cold!I tremble!Come and hug me!Come and kiss me!Come and see me!Come and kiss me!I'm afraid!I'm afraid!I'm afraid!I'm afraid!I'm afraid!

The hour is near! The watch was ringing brutally.This is the only sound in the world!In five minutes, I will fall into your arms forever!Ah, my husband, where are you?Where are you?Where are you?where are you? ah!The final moment has finally come!coming!coming! At this moment, while my right hand is holding the pen and writing on the paper, my left hand begins to tightly hold a bright short knife.The pen can no longer write my heart.I must write my heart with a knife!I want to show you how red my heart is!how hot!How it hurts for you!Trembling for you!Ah, my husband!Where are you?Where are you?Where are you?why don't you come backnot coming back?Won't you come back and see your Aurelia's face?The face of the last moment?A miserable face?

The dagger was raised, facing my heart.A drop of tears fell on the knife! (What sweet tears!) I can't cry!I must muster up my courage and make one last request to you with a smile on my face: On the eve of the tenth year of our acquaintance, climb a high mountain. "Farewell Song"! farewell!farewell!farewell!My favorite favorite favorite favorite favorite favorite favorite favorite favorite favorite love!Now, you have me forever!I have you too forever! The sea breeze blows here and there, gentler than sheep.My hair is loose in the sea breeze, in the moonlight. The sea breeze blows, dances, and makes a Duncan-style mysterious dance.With the sea breeze, the cabin is filled with the fragrance of roses and rose flowers.These flowers were picked from gardens in Genoa.But the picker was asleep.Everyone is asleep.I'm alone on deck. I stood in the moonlight, in the night of May, the moonlight hugged me violently, and kissed me from my hair to my heels like raindrops, as if to destroy me with this hug and kiss, I slowly picked up the forty-seven Each strand of white hair was kissed in turn, one by one, hundreds or thousands of times.Finally, I pressed them and the letter to my chest, warming them with the beating of my heart, as if they were afraid of the cold.Finally, I stood quietly, motionless, like a stone statue.I had no tears, no wry smile, no pain, no excitement.I become a machine, a mineral.I stood, listened, stared, I don't know whether to sleep or wake up, wake up or sleep, dream and reality are no longer clearly entangled.The space saturated with moonlight is clear and smooth, fragrant and sensual, just like the flowery flesh of a young girl.Occasionally, intentionally or unintentionally, I raised my arms lazily, and gently stroked this space with my palm, this moonlight, this fragrance, and from time to time I used my lips to sip the cool dew on the railing, like a summer cicada. The moonlight seemed to illuminate my thoughts. The sea is very calm, you can hear its regular breathing, like Aurelia's chest.The boat is still moving, the waves gently kissing the hull.Only the heavy engine sound breaks through the silence of the night; this heavy sound seems to be a kind of anger, a low growl, a kind of resistance, I have been standing by the railing all night, thinking about one thing: should I go to her with this letter and forty-seven white hairs!She is right in front of me, and as soon as I step over the rail, I can meet her and be with her forever.I believe she is playing with fishes at the bottom of the sea, and I can participate in such games. But I immediately remembered her words again.She wants me to wait ten years to do something for her.Promising to her is really much more painful and pitiful than looking for her right away.When she made this request to me, she probably didn't think that this would be a very important punishment for me. To really love someone is actually to accept a kind of punishment.I have been punished all my life, from childhood to old age! At dawn, I finally decided: accept her punishment! She doesn't want to act anymore, she's done enough.As for me, of course I have done enough acting; but I still have a desire, which is: since I don't want to act anymore, I might as well watch others act.This is one of the reasons why I still want to live. Today, I played the last play in front of you, you have heard the play now, please do keep your promise to me: don’t write a word in newspapers or magazines, that way, it will do nothing to others or yourself Benefits, and I will hate you even more!I hope that, apart from myself, this drama will be buried in you alone, in order to preserve its own dignity, if it has any dignity at all.Of course, especially for the sacred soul I love the most, all the secrets about him can only and should belong to a very small number of two or three people, if not only one person.