Chapter 12 Chapter 11 Oolong Feast

Sensual is not the same as sexy, Leather bag is not equal to foreskin, Mr. Liu is not equal to Mr. Liu. It's eight o'clock, why hasn't Xiao Guan arrived yet?Director Jin looked at his watch: Miss Shu, please call me.Maybe, he forgot! Ms. Shu hurried to the coffee table next to her and dialed the phone: Hello!A child's voice came from the opposite side. Is it Xiaobao?Is your dad out?What?Haven't come out yet, in the toilet.So is your mother there?What?Your mother is giving an enema?What's the matter with your mother?Ms. Shu raised her head with her eyes wide open, and said to the whole room: "It's dead!"

Incredible!Xiaoguan's wife is dead!Xiao Chen called out. Don't talk nonsense!Director Jin scolded in a low voice.Ask Ms. Shu again: I just heard you say on the phone that Mrs. Guan is having an enema? yes!Xiao Guan was in the toilet, probably giving his wife an enema. I was about to ask what the disease was when his child hung up the phone. Maybe you got it wrong.Xiao Chen!You call again, and if something really happens, everyone will go to help immediately. The phone rings again.It turned out to be Mrs. Guan who picked it up. Huh!Mrs. Guan, you are not dead, that's great!Xiao Chen said happily: Miss Shu called just now, and Xiao Bao said you were having an enema, oh!So it's sausage stuffing, can I talk to the little tube?Covering the microphone, he said to everyone: Xiao Guan is still in the bathroom, and his wife took the phone in.

Then he turned his face to the microphone and shouted: "Little tube!"Are you OK!What, your stomach hurts?It doesn't matter.Nah!I'm not saying it's okay if you have a stomachache, but it's okay if you come later, we'll eat first. ● Let's get started!Director Jin asked everyone to sit down, and suddenly looked up at Ms. Shu: Is the wine ordered? Eight twenty, not yet nine.Miss Shu looked at her watch. I mean wine, have you ordered it? ah!Miss Shu jumped up like an electric shock and called the waiter. The waiter immediately brought the wine list. Director Jin looked at it and looked up: Wujiapi bar!

The waiter is out.Director Jin clapped his hands again: That's right!Order some side dishes with wine.Miss Shu, please go out and see how they sell their stewed chicken butt. I saw Miss Shu rushing out the door and shouting to the front desk in the corridor: Miss!Miss!How do you sell your chicken ass? Two hundred a plate! ● The chicken butt was served immediately.But no wine came. After waiting for a long time, the boss brought two cases of beer out of breath, followed by three young ladies, each putting down a case. Who ordered the beer?Director Jin asked. Didn't you order it?The boss looked at the list: Miss wrote five cases of beer.

wrong!Director Jin shouted: It's Wujiapi wine! The boss apologized again and again and went out to change the wine.Suddenly the phone rang, and everyone looked at each other: Maybe Xiao Guan won't come. Xiao Chen went to pick it up, it was a woman. Surname Jiao?Xiao Chen said: No one is named Jiao. After hanging up the phone, Xiao Chen shrugged: "Look for Jiao." Just as we were talking, the phone rang again, and Xiao Chen picked it up again: Miss!You made a mistake, no one here has the surname Jiao.Yes, I am at 321, but there is no one with the surname Jiao. If you want to find someone with the surname Jiao, you may have to go to a hotel.

Everyone in the room laughed. ● At this moment, Xiao Guan appeared with a pale face. What's the matter?stomachache?Everyone asks. oops!It is not a serious illness, but if it is not treated early, it will not be cured, and the treatment will be troublesome. What?Lao Jin hurriedly asked: If it is not cured early, it will not be cured.How can it be so troublesome?Is it cancer?Are you afraid of spreading? no no no!Xiao Guan waved his hand: It's gallstones, if it is not treated early, it will not be cured, and it will be troublesome.So I recently decided to have surgery. ● The dinner was over, and the waiter brought the bill: Excuse me, who pays the bill?

Shu Jiying is in charge!Lao Jin pointed at Miss Shu. The waiter was taken aback for a moment, and asked: Vas deferens? Just when the phone rang, Xiao Chen picked it up, and it was the lady who found the wrong one again. Miss!Our surname is not Jiao.Xiao Chen shouted into the microphone: We have people named Shu, Jin, and Guan, but we don't have Jiao!There is Shu Jin Guan, but his surname is not Jiao! have something to say Isn't this an oolong feast?From beginning to end, it's chicken and duck talking. Why?Because of homonyms, because of incomplete sentences, because of misplaced lines, and because of grammatical errors, this is the subject of this chapter.

1. Beware of Bulls Turning into Cows One day when I took a taxi in Taipei, the driver was listening to a religious program. The sacred music is melodious, and in the music some hymns are recited: Jesus!I'm here to save you!I'm here to save you!Oh God!I'm here to save you! The driver suddenly laughed, looked in the rear-view mirror and said to me: Is it strange?It is obvious that Jesus is the Savior, and He should save people. Why does this man say that he is going to save Jesus? Probably because he was reading a manuscript!I said: The manuscript is too short, so you just do what you can, not to save Jesus, but to get closer to Jesus.

Just get close!Why say so inexplicably.The driver smiled and said: If you hadn't said it, I really thought Jesus was crucified and asked him to save him. ● Because it is common to use literary words and phrases in daily conversations to cause misunderstandings. For example, a doctor says to a patient: What you have is a viral infection, the virus has invaded the stomach and intestines, and you should fast. The patient thought to himself, the doctor may be afraid that I have lost my appetite recently, eat less, and have insufficient resistance, so they want me to eat, which means eat more.

As a result, he went home and ate and drank a lot. After eating, he would have diarrhea.Little did he know that what the doctor meant was to fast and not eat. ● For example, you tell others: There is big news today, Minister Wang is serious. Who knows whether Minister Wang has passed away or is still a matter of fact, why don't you speak plainly: Minister Wang took office today! ● For example, you want someone to bring you a bull. In ancient Chinese, the male is male (ㄇㄨ') and the female is female (ㄆ㄄ㄣ'). You can clearly say please send a bull, but you have to show your knowledge by saying please send a male ox.

Can you blame someone for sending a cow? ● For example, when children participate in a music competition, you go to judge, and finally comment: The children who participated in the competition today are very skilled, but their interpretations are different. Some people's interpretations are really poor. As a result, the children went home and reported to their parents: I lost, and the judge said it was because our family was not as powerful as others. Tomorrow his parents will come to the school and scold you for bringing politics into the competition, the judging is unfair, can you blame the kid for passing the wrong message? Children don't understand what interpretation is, why don't you simply say: the interpretation and feeling of the music are different? ● In addition to relatively deep words, even when using vernacular, because of different situations, we have to consider whether the other party will mishear. for example Because Mr. Wang blocked it, no one dared to form a party.Since Mr. Wang formed a party, no one dared to form a party.Because Mr. Wang blocked it, no one dared to stop it. The three sentences sound the same, who knows whether to form a party or block it? So when you say this kind of sentence, you'd better explain more. 2. Be careful that the chicken farmer becomes a chicken What I just talked about is that when we use classical Chinese, it is best to translate it into vernacular, so as not to be misunderstood by others.but you know what?Many people made a big joke during the translation process. For example, a reporter broadcasts the news until: At ten o'clock this morning, more than 200 chicken farmers went to the US consulate to protest. They brought more than 300 chickens and threw them outside the consulate. The reporter's eyes were quick. When he broadcasted more than 200, his eyes had already spotted a chicken character below, thinking how can a chicken be called a bit?So he changed it: At ten o'clock this morning, more than 200 chicken farmers went to the US consulate to protest, and they brought more than 300 At this time, he had already discovered that he had made a mistake before, and was afraid of making another mistake later, so he changed it to only one.So they took more than 300 chickens and threw them outside the consulate. ● There was also a TV reporter who reported that at Songshan Airport today, because of the heavy traffic in the air, many planes were required by the control tower to hover in the air for a few weeks before landing. The reporter was also very good, so he thought that Zhou should be spoken in vernacular that everyone could understand, so he broadcast it as: Many planes hovered in the sky for several weeks at the request of the control tower. ● The above are all true jokes, but they all tell us one thing Before you want others to understand, you must understand yourself first. When you already know something, you always have to assume that others don’t understand it, so that you can explain it more and let the other person really understand. 3. Don’t turn the kingdom into a subjugated country Be careful with your coffee.It's a phrase that anchors used to warn each other when I was in the news department of the TV company.It means to be careful about the wrong broadcast, and be called by the relevant unit to drink free coffee. Back then, a colleague drank this kind of coffee because he broadcast a news about an art exhibition, and the punctuation was wrong. The news came out like this. In this art exhibition, a total of forty works were exhibited. Guess where the punctuation is wrong? ● There is also an anchor who broadcasts to Taiwan every July and August, and there are often typhoons. He also misplaced the punctuation, and Taiwan often has typhoons in July and August every year. As a result, everyone laughed for a while. ● Another also drank coffee. He said that if the enemy army dares to attack me, it will be defeated.Broadcasting: If the enemy dares to attack, I will be defeated. As a result, the morale-boosting words were only for punctuation mistakes, but it turned out that we ourselves will definitely be defeated by the enemy. In the previous story, Xiao Guan said that if it is not cured early, it is not easy to cure, and it is troublesome.Isn't it also because of the wrong setbacks that it becomes too early, the cure is not good, and the cure is troublesome? ● Pauses, when speaking, have certain benefits. For example, if you say that I do things all my life, I insist on only one word.You pause for a moment, and then continue: that is honesty! This is more attractive than if you finish speaking in one breath, because when you pause, everyone will be quiet and wait for the next word.This stillness creates strength. But from the examples of drinking coffee just now, we must also know that if the pause is wrong, the trouble will be big.You should especially be careful not to pause when saying the name of a person, title or country. Otherwise, you are likely to say that Wang Shengshang will go to the United States, and say that Wang Shengshang will go to the United States. You may also say that Zhang Xiao’s bird’s nest is at home, and say Zhang Xiao, the bird’s nest is at home. It is more likely to refer to the kingdom of Saudi Arabia as the kingdom of Saudi Arabia. People don't understand, so I'm afraid I have to ask you: How did Saudi Arabia die? 4. The name cannot be jingle When it comes to people's names, in addition to not breaking the position, it is also not suitable to speak too fast. This is like writing a letter. Why? Because that shows your respect for people, write the other person's name carefully and neatly. That also means that you are cautious, afraid that because it is a person's name, the other party may not be able to string it together to guess. Especially when you write horizontally, the kind of characters that are divided into two sides should not be sloppy.Otherwise, someone named Miss Mei Yuepo might be pronounced Miss Mei Belly by others.Mr. Zhang Risheng is likely to be read as Mr. Zhang Mingquan. ◎Beware of Xu Chengxu When speaking, you must also slow down when encountering proper nouns, especially be careful to connect two words with three tones (shangshengzi) together. For example, you introduce Ms. Xu and Ms. Li. Speak slowly, everyone can hear clearly that her surname is Xu and Li. Speaking quickly, it became Miss Xu and Miss Li. This is because two three-tone characters are joined together, and the first character will naturally be pronounced in two tones. It's like washing your hands. You must say it is a hand.Because washing and hands have three sounds, washing is said to be a habit. ◎Be careful with the name Knowing this, if your surname is San Tone, it is best to avoid using San Tone for the second character when you name your child another day. Otherwise, Li Meijing would definitely be called Li Meijing. Liu Xiaochan must be called Liu Xiaochan. ● Talk further.Saying people's names too quickly will also cause some special people's names to change completely. Just like Shu Jiying in the story, it reads like insemination.It's because Ji and Ying, as soon as they talked quickly, they put together and became ㄐㄧㄥ. Another example is Wu Wanlan, if you say it quickly, you will become Wanlan.Li Yanchang, hurry up, become the leader of the face.It's because the surname and first name, Wu Hewan and Li Heyan's sounds are spelled together. 5. Use inversions carefully When my mother was alive, when she heard that an old friend of hers was sick, she would say: So-and-so is sick again, and I thank God that I am ten years older than her and still healthy. Every time they heard her say the first two sentences, everyone would be startled, thinking how could she gloat so much?It wasn't until the last two sentences came out that I understood what she meant. Where is the problem? Because she used an inverted sentence. In the previous story, Director Jin asked if the drink was ordered?Everyone hears it's nine o'clock, right?The same is true. In other words, if he talked about some wine?Who could have heard it wrong? ● The most troublesome thing about inverted sentences is when others only listen to half of it, or when you are on a radio and television program, after editing, it is easy to cause misunderstandings. To give a real example, when we were withdrawing from the United Nations, one of the leaders gave a speech and almost caused the reporter to be grabbed for coffee. Why? because the leader used inversions Today we are withdrawing from the United Nations. I am very happy, because everyone can be calm, respectful and self-reliant. The reporter edited in a hurry, and only cut the voice of the first two sentences. I am very happy to become today that we are withdrawing from the United Nations. 6. Don’t change your surname to Jiao for sexual intercourse If you encounter a situation like the previous story, someone asks you coldly: Miss!Is your surname Jiao? You said, can you not misunderstand?Can you not get angry?I'm afraid that a slap in the face is gone. But if the other party knows how to use the accent, he said slowly: Miss, is your surname Jiao? He specially raised the scale and increased the strength of the Jiaozi, and you must understand it. ◎The wonderful use of accent is endless Stress intensifies the tone of voice, expresses inflection and inflection, and enables you to communicate more clearly.Also known as The same sentence can have completely different meanings depending on the position of the stress. for example: Similarly, the sentence I invite you to dinner has a different way of saying When your girlfriend thinks it's someone else's treat, she doesn't want to attend your party, and says: I don't have friendship with them, why should they invite you? You can say: It's not them who invite you, but I invite you to dinner. ● When she played a young lady's temper and said: I won't go!Just don't go! You say: Please!please!I treat you to dinner! ● She still didn't go, and said: I will go, yes, but I have to take my mother with me. You are in a hurry!Said: I treat you to dinner, not your mother! ● She also made a fuss, saying: I am tired and have no energy. You became even more anxious and said: I invite you to dinner, not to cook. ● I just don't like pasta, you force me every time.She lost her temper. I won't treat you to noodles, okay?I invite you to dinner!You also lost your temper. ● look!Wonderful?The same sentence, because the words you emphasize are different, the taste can be completely different. So, don't think accents are unimportant.If you want to speak clearly, you have to be very careful about accents. ● Do you want food? Is your surname Kan (ㄎㄢ')? Come!try it!How should I say these two sentences?