Chapter 10 Chapter 10 The Shadow of Blue

my square.I once had a beloved woman who called her that.For me, who couldn't get along well with my surroundings and lived a sad life, she was like a quiet existence like a square that suddenly opened up at the end of a narrow alley.I visit her every day like an old man who has nothing to do, has so much time and nowhere to spend, and often walks in the square. In her arms, I don't feel alone, I feel cared for. For me who was born in the United States and did not know my motherland before the age of eighteen, my peers with the same face are just foreigners with different spiritual circuits.The idea is completely different, and it makes me quite exhausted to get along.

My previous way of life was also criticized: This is not America! In college life, when I finally found this square where I could rest my soul, I knew it was my first love.So I love her with all my strength, but I can't tell how much strength to use, so I love her too much. Although she is always calm, she said: Don't worry!I still want to have her all. Why is the light of summer so fleeting and impermanent, yet so wanton and transparent?Whenever summer comes, in the light, I have nowhere to look, so I have to choose a shady place to go.That's how I used to live. It's almost a season since Yashi left here.She took the luggage while I was away, and left a note, which said lightly: I'm going to bother you at an old friend's house, don't worry.Since then, I haven't seen her again.

Someone once left the apartment in Mayhill like this.No, to be precise, a girl should be kicked out.That is the exclusive square that I finally found.Playground, healing place, place to think about the future Why do we have to break up? She stood at the door and asked in a trembling whisper.As soon as she spoke, I lost my composure and only felt that I was hurt even more.Because I love too much, I can't go back to the original point. Why?Because I don't trust you as a person anymore. My mind went blank and I couldn't hear what I was saying. Do you think we can still be the same as before?Do not be silly!Don't you know what good you have done?go out!Don't come here again!

Contrary to the excited me, she has been quietly looking at my feet.Then without raising his eyes, he disappeared silently outside the door. After losing the square, like an old man waiting for the last moment of his life, I no longer go for a walk, and once again stare blankly at the sun and flowing clouds by the window of my lonely room.My heart was locked, and no one was there. In the afternoon, I go to work.It has been three months since I went to work at a repair shop recommended by my grandfather in Senda Valley.The new studio is located in a cool place near Senda Valley Forest, and the workplace faces the woods in the outer garden.

The repair method in Japan is a bit different from Italy, because I was introduced by my grandfather, and I have rare Italian technology, so the salary and working hours are better than I expected. Prosthetic techniques vary considerably from individual to individual.Textbooks only teach the correct restoration method, but in fact, restoration methods are often different depending on the degree of damage to the work, the age of creation, and the unique technique of the artist.In addition to the skills developed by the restorers, it is not an exaggeration to say that there are as many restoration techniques as there are restorers.

It is not surprising that Japanese restoration institutes readily accept me. My rich experience and achievements are highly valued. My heart healed miraculously when I smelled the smell of the studio that I hadn't seen for a long time.The unique fragrance of wax and painting utensils spread to my olfactory nerves, stimulating the place in the brain that controls memory, and reminded me of the happiest school days during Giovanna's studio. The new studio gives each restorer a luxurious working space. My space is three times the size of Giovanna's studio, and there are good partitions between each other, enough to maintain privacy.

Amplifiers play classical chamber music at low volumes that do not interfere with assignments.The ceiling is high, and modern equipment such as work benches, lighting fixtures and cranes are all available. This unexpectedly ideal working environment overcame me. It just so happened that a well-known art collector passed away, and a plan to exhibit his famous paintings was about to be launched.Among them was a badly damaged painting, Francesca.Kosha's last oil painting. My fateful reunion with Kosha was a shock. Francesca Stilo, who was born in Calabria, Italy in 1605, and died in Rome in 1682.Kosha is almost unknown in Japan, but his name often appears in art history.Some critics have positioned Cosa as the most important painter in the mid-seventeenth century, and Italy has also published monographs on him.

Now his works can be seen in the Registry Museum in Amsterdam, the National Gallery in Copenhagen, and the National Gallery in Rome.Also because of his very few paintings, almost all of the remaining works have become private or church collections. It is indeed very rare to meet Kesha's paintings in Japan this time, and at the same time, I can't help but consider it a kind of fate.Because of the painting incident, and because I had a period of hesitation in choosing where to go after returning to Japan, I cannot but think that the sudden appearance of Kosha’s works was God’s will. Because Kesha's paintings have not been properly preserved for a long time, and because they are hung in a place with high humidity, the overall picture has some small floating and peeling off.The large peeling parts are concentrated in the center of the ten centimeter square.

This state of preservation calls into question the collector's taste.Kosa, even though he is unknown in Japan, is a talented painter representing Florence in the seventeenth century.The curator of the art museum who planned this exhibition heard about my experience and came to ask me to restore it, and hoped to restore it quietly without the outside world knowing the poor state of preservation.This practice of worrying about collectors is not uncommon in Italy. There are many good restorers in the studio, but they are all busy with several large jobs and don't have time to deal with sudden insertions.My situation just fit the bill.In order to face my unsophisticated youth in my twenties again, I decided to have a new mood and bury myself in the restoration of Kosha's works.

There are traces of restoration in an unknown period of time on the work.The work is about 300 years ago. During this period, the collector has entrusted someone to restore it!According to the curator of the art museum, the current collectors have never restored it after buying it, so 80% of it was handled by native Italian restorers. I started by quietly facing Kosha.How do you want to restore the work?I believe that the best way to restore is not to restore the artist's arrogance with technology, but to listen to the voice of the soul that resides in the painting, and restore it in harmony with that sound.

My impression of looking at the whole painting is that it seems too dark in Kosha's work.I can't help but suspect that the previous restorers have obliterated the original style of the painting. Although Kosha is deeply attached to classicism, he is also an aloof figure far from academicism.His works make people feel some kind of spiritual power.I feel that the previous restorers ignored the spiritual part of Kosha, and just painted it based on their own impressions. Before starting the restoration, I used X-ray photos and ultraviolet fluorescent photos to check, and found that the previous restoration was excessively filled with color, and the original painting was painted with thick paint, and the bright part of the paint layer was particularly thick, while the dark part was thinner. I remove as much thick wax and touch-up paint as possible on the drawing sheet.The surface layer of the wax is cleaned with mineral water, and the lower layer is ethanol.I am attached to the pungent smell of ethanol, and I am close to the genius soul of the seventeenth century. Ethanol is also used to remove old fill paint.After the removal operation is completed, the surface of the painting will be stained with tea-brown new dirt, and then wipe it off with diluted ammonia water. The washing operation can also bring a kind of purification effect to the restorer.Although the homework is unpretentious, I still often feel that my mood has been purified.Wash away the time, political or religious filth covering the painting, and restore it to the pure state when it was originally painted. In the act of wiping away the evil thoughts of the previous restoration worker with alcohol, I felt that my heart was washed instantly, as refreshing as washing away people's karma.It is as quietly moving as sweeping a quiet temple courtyard with a broom. At this time, the painting is a customer who asks the barber shop owner to shave, an honest customer half lying on a chair.Gently scraped away dirt leaves cleansed smooth skin. After all was washed off, the beautiful blue sky of the original painting appeared under the smudges like rain clouds.At that moment, I felt as if Kosha's soul had forgiven my past life. The tone of the original painting is more beautiful than I imagined. The blue sky shows the fresh blue impression of Italy.The blue sky stands out against the dark tree shadows. The ridgeline of the distant mountains and the sky are subtly connected into a line, and the clouds floating on it lightly seep into the sky and gradually blend into the sky. The scenery is really beautiful. After dealing with the worms of the frame and replacing the support body, I started my homework of bringing my soul closer to the soul of Kosha.It was a magical moment that surpassed time and became one with the painter. I apply preservatives to the painting and use solvent-based acrylic paints.Filling color is the essence of restoration work, and it is also the gorgeous end after a series of rigorous operations. I hold a thin paintbrush and start to fill in the paint with the strength of my elbow loose and tight.In my mind, I imitated the mood of the lonely painter Kesha facing the canvas quietly, and then painted on the color.The joy that had been suppressed during the long restoration process suddenly emerged at this moment.This is my favorite moment.Riding the time machine back to the seventeenth century, Kosha himself, whom I had never seen before, merged with me.Recognize what he saw, felt, excited, and meditated on at the time.I became a wizard. The pen moves naturally, beyond my ability, and feels one with being led by a heavenly Kosha spirit.This is the supreme moment when the restorer is alone favored. I'm reminded of Kosha's cut painting.A painting that I saw in my nightmares several times.But with this restoration, I was finally able to get back on my feet and make peace with Kosha. I think, after all, I can only move forward with the cause of restoration, to further reconcile with the past, and at the same time move towards the future. In the process of silently carrying out monotonous and delicate manual work, the physical and mental knots are gradually resolved.I was able to familiarize myself with the new working environment in a very short period of time because it requires gentle and deep restoration techniques. Restorers of Japanese nationality are quiet and stable in personality.After get off work, everyone often went to the tavern in front of the station to drink and chat. I didn't tell anyone about my private life or my well-known grandfather in the painting circle. In the respective working spaces in the spacious studio, the appearance of restorers in work clothes standing and working is like a precious display sculpture in itself.That is the noble aura that can only be smelled by the Restoration Institute. On midsummer night, it was rare to drink late into the night with colleagues from the restoration institute.The topic has always revolved around Raphael.I don’t know who said that you look a lot like Raphael. The topic started with the overall art of Florence during the Renaissance.I remember that I was also said to be like Raphael in an Italian art gallery before, with a natural smile on my face.When they said it was the kind of hazy place, I smiled politely. I like the Madonna painted by Raphael.Because compared with other painters' Madonna, Raphael's has a gentle and rounded ideal beauty. I was talking about Raphael's Madonna, and I thought of Aoi.She has always been my mother, from meeting to parting no, maybe it hasn't stopped yet.It has been seven years since we separated, and she has not left my heart for a moment, but has grown more and more swollen. Was it really Aoi who called that day?Said to hang up the wrong number, the voice is exactly like Aoi.Even after seven years, I can't possibly get it wrong. But why not fly to Milan right away to make sure?If the phone call was really from Aoi, it should be to deliver a message from the past.Maybe as obsessed as I am, she may not be able to forget either.Perhaps she remembered the appointment at Florence Cathedral.Because it's next year. I dare not have 100% confidence.When I am calm, I always want to suppress this hasty mood.I don't have the right to harass her indifferently when she's in love with an American lover.I used to drive her away.It is just the delusion of powerless fools to think that there is love when there is hatred.If Aoi didn't make that phone call, wouldn't I have ruined Aoi's current life? I am weak.I want to see her.Just a glance is enough, I want to see her now.I think about her every night.Although I thought about it, I felt guilty that this longing could not make up for the mistakes of the past.I draw sunflowers.In the lonely night, draw countless lines of her memory on the white drawing paper. After parting ways with my colleagues at Shinjuku Station, I changed to the Odakyu Line and got off at Umegaoka Station.The area around the station is still the same as when I was a student, almost giving people the illusion of going back in time.It seemed that on the opposite platform, Aoi and I were standing there waiting for the electric multiple train bound for Chengcheng. Go out of the ticket gate and take the north exit.Street lights illuminate the front of the station.Like drunk young college students making a fuss by the phone booth.Their innocent laughter resounded through the summer night.I just can't figure out how I've lived these seven years. Back at the apartment, there was a figure in front of the door.Yashi hugged her knees and curled up into a ball.Hearing footsteps, she raised her face and stared at me wordlessly. Neither of them spoke, their thoughts were anxiously and carefully hidden deep in each other's throats.Her long hair is cut over her ears.Painfully short. No contact, where did you go?I asked. Yashi didn't answer, she pouted and stood up determinedly with eyes showing, I'm here to find out. I unlock and push the door.Yashi silently followed into the house.A few sketches of Aoi were scattered on the sofa, and the eyes of the two fell on them at the same time.Ya Shi stopped for a moment, looking down at the paintings.I took it easy one by one. Yashi sighed softly and sat on the chair by the window.I sat on the sofa and waited for her to speak. Seems like we have to break up. At the same time as she heard her weak words, there was a soft sniffling sound in the room.I looked at her profile, and her gaze was directly on the tie drawn by Grandpa. She is of mixed Italian and Japanese descent, and her skeleton is slightly different from mine.A tall and elegant nose rests on a beautifully shaped mouth.The large pupils with clear outlines are exposed to the light of the bulb and appear more secluded and radiant.She combines the advantages of Orientals and Westerners, and she is as gorgeous as a fine art.She herself had never been complacent about the appearance of this mixed race, but rather hated it. it's all over. I think of her clamor in Florence.That girlish innocence was also in her nature.Although I feel a little tired of her clinging to me like a child, but sometimes I think she is as cute as my only sister in this world. What is over and breaking up cannot be said in this way.I said. Yashi started to cry, then stopped suddenly, forced a smile.Sucking my nose a few times, trying desperately to keep to myself. Don't comfort me, if you want to abandon me, just say it clearly, if you don't say it, I will always miss you, because you are the only person I really love in this world. I can't forgive myself for being bothered because I know better than anyone that this girl truly loves me.Despite this, I was so cruel and merciless to end the relationship. Can I not?We walked along the banks of the Aruno, went shopping hand in hand, ate dinner, drank wine, kissed, made love again and again.I know every inch of your body better than anyone else.I love you so much, but I can't break up. I always thought of her as a child, kind of helpless when she failed at everything.However, even though he thought she was troublesome, he also felt that was where her charm lay.To be honest, after breaking up with her, ten years later I may not miss her as much as I miss Aoi.As she said, I was saved by her several times.I feel at peace in her childishness. hypocrite.I criticize myself. Yashi, liking is useless.One cannot love two people at the same time.I can't say we just go on like this, pushing our precious future to the worst of self-deception. Yashi turned to look at me.beautiful face.Afflicted people are especially beautiful. No matter how bad the future is, as long as I can be with you.My love is not lost to anyone, and I am confident that I love you more than anyone else.I am already an adult.I will show you that I am a stronger, prettier, better woman. You don't need to be like this, you are fine now. No, I want to change, in order to make you love me, I can do anything. The silence continued.Long blank.During this time, Yashi kept his eyes closed.Biting his lip from time to time, the flesh of his chin trembled slightly. I think of the sadness when I can't communicate with my father, because I can live because you are by my side.Without you, everything in this world is meaningless to me.Over the past few months, I have thought carefully, let's start again, and I will try. My heart throbbed.While I was suffering, Yashi was also suffering.Sharing pain is also an end to love. I really want to die! boring!You can't do that!Are you such a cowardly person? Yashi cried aloud, and this time it continued without interruption. Why didn't Aoi cry that day?Has Aoi ever cried in front of me?Should have been.Should have cried bitterly.But in my impression, she is always as strong as Joan of Arc in armor. Yashi stopped crying and stared at me through gritted teeth. Then, I'll be with other men!Besides you, there are others who will love me. The image of a strange man holding Yashi flashed in his mind, and his chest felt sad again.Thinking of her face sleeping innocently like a child in my arms. I have never seen Aoi's sleeping face in the light, only the impression of the moonlight, only the quiet impression of the bluish-white moonlight shining on her face. also good! After a little hesitation, I nodded, and the nerve plexus on Yashi's face stood up straight. okay?Really?After I get married with a strange man, even if you beg me, I will not come back, and I will never be by your side again. Then I can only say helpless. Why? Well Yashi stood up, reached out to take off the T-shirt unexpectedly, and then took off the jeans. hello what are you doingGet dressed! don't want. Come on, get dressed!You take off your clothes, it won't change anything! Yashi stopped her hand and cried again, and then undressed while crying.She took off her underwear and exposed her breasts.Because of the short hair, the head looks smaller. She stood naked in front of me, looking straight down at me.My heart is shaking.Because she wants to convey how serious her heart is.Have I ever been loved like this?Aoi? Yashi's seriousness makes me feel distressed, and it is also a big trouble for me. I hugged her gently, and the warmth of the flesh and the beating of the heart were conveyed to me.She twisted her body and made a fierce courtship, and I suppressed it.I hold the bud tightly wrapped around me from behind.She let out an animal growl, trying to say something but couldn't.The ferocious and excited Yashi, the Yashi who struggled like a beast, and the Yashi who twisted his face and screamed words that didn't make sense. I held her arms and held them tight, waiting for her excitement to cool down.The more I didn't move, the more violently she struggled.Rush in my arms like a seizure. About five minutes later, Yashi's excitement gradually subsided, and she leaned against my arms weakly.After I waited for her to move, I carried her to the bed.Her sobbing clung to my ears.I walked out of the room as if to wave away the sound, closed the door, and sighed softly. I don't know myself, is it right?It was as if everything was lost.Helpless, other than this, I have no right way to survive. I slept on the couch and woke up to the blinding light of the morning.I went out before Yashi woke up.I don't want to see her.I tiptoed open the door like a thief and went out.so cool.I looked up at the blue sky for a while, waiting for something.After knowing that nothing happened, he set off towards Senda Valley where the studio is located. Only time quietly maintains me and the world.In the studio, I work bit by bit to keep my spirits up.Unexpectedly, monotonous homework can heal the soul so much.While repairing the damaged and peeling parts of the painting, I feel that I am also undergoing the purification effect of returning to normal. In the evening, I finished work earlier than usual and went to see my grandpa.Get off the train in Shinjuku and change to the Seibu Shinjuku Line.From the behavior of the people, the conversation and the atmosphere in the streets, you know that the season of sweating in the end of summer has turned into a season of spiritual dryness.From the clearness of the air, I also understand that autumn is approaching rapidly. Grandpa lies on wooden old bed.Due to repeated hospitalizations and discharges, my physical strength has declined significantly in the past few months.Although the ability to speak has recovered, the nerves at the corners of the mouth are a little dull, and the smile on his face is less than before.Maybe there is another reason.He seemed to know that his beloved Yashi had broken up with me.Maybe Yashi came to see him. How is your job going? Grandpa's voice was low and weak. Yes, I'm learning Japanese repair methods.The restorers here are very nice and easy to get along with than I imagined. Grandpa nodded.It makes me sad to be haggard.It feels like his time is running out.We chatted for a while, not as warmly as before. Did that bastard son get in touch afterwards? Do you mean dad? Grandpa wanted to laugh, but his cheek muscles twitched, he coughed several times, and finally his face froze. No, just nothing. What a self righteous guy. I can't believe I have a dad myself.I can't talk to him at all, and the reason why my mother committed suicide is because of him. I really want to kill him. I thought that this was too much, and I saw grandpa lowered his eyes and nodded as if he had made up his mind. I've heard it was an accidental suicide, but he may have driven her to that end. Accidental suicide? She was so drunk that she fell from the roof.According to eyewitnesses, it was snowing that day, she had been walking up and down the edge of the roof, and then This is the first time I've heard about my mother's death.My father told me that she committed suicide by taking drugs. Her heart must have died, and it must have been your father who made her like this, who was with this woman then. The paper door was ajar, and I saw the pine trees in the yard.It is the most precious tree planted by grandpa.Grandpa's gaze slowly moved over there.Is it because I remember that time!I can't recall my mother's memory. How about your private life?After a long silence, Grandpa changed the subject. Imagining my mother's distress when she jumped from the roof, I can't breathe.I waited for my mood to calm down, and vaguely replied that many things happened.I knew from his expression that grandpa cared about Yashi. There will be many changes that are taken for granted, but just don't regret it. yes. Grandpa didn't mention Yashi after all.Just say tired, close your eyes and go to sleep. Grandpa is my only relative.Looking at his sleeping face, the lacrimal glands were stimulated unknowingly, and tears almost flowed out.I grew up without a mother, and my father has always been an irrelevant person.After my grandfather died, I was all alone.Yashi is gone, and the hope of reuniting with Aoi is slim. sunflower. What am I supposed to fix when everything is lost? sunflower. I'm now at a loss on how to fix it.Don't know how to fix the hole in my heart.Even though I knew I had to work hard to repair it as usual, my hands just didn't move.I can't see the finished graph called future at all. In early autumn, someone came to see me in the studio.The lady in charge told me, A Xing-kun, that when there was a visitor, I stopped and turned my head. There was a familiar face behind her.My eyes were fixed on one point, and the muscles around my lungs felt tight.Amy Takanashi gained a little weight when she was in Florence, but her chubby face was more refreshing than before. How do you know I'm here? Because you became a topic!The circle is so small. Is it a good topic? Sure enough, there are two brushes!The review of your repaired Kesha Feng is very good! A smile formed on the corner of his mouth.The provocative tone remained unchanged.I came here specially, let's have a drink to celebrate the reunion after get off work!I nodded helplessly. We went straight to a Russian restaurant at the Aoyama intersection where we often go to Takanashi.A grand piano player plays Russian folk songs on stage. you and the teacher later After the topic of not offending anyone, Takanashi asked in a low voice. No contact. She didn't take care of you like her own son I don't want to talk about this. Is it because the teacher cut up the painting? I stared at Takanashi with the rim of my wine glass in my mouth.The wine that was about to spill dangled in the glass. She is jealous of you. Nothing like that. But everyone in the studio said so. Whoever wants to talk, let him talk. Then why not contact the teacher? Giovanna I was taken aback by the words I hadn't said for a long time.Giovanna was not that kind of person.After I finished speaking, I stood up, not expecting that feelings are such a heavy thing.I wanted to stand up, but my eyes were dazed and I almost fell down on the spot.